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humor, self-help, Uncategorized

Stabilizer Dysfunction

OMG.

Normally, I like to use Final Cut Pro for all my video editing software needs; however, pexels-photo-756914since I don’t have it downloaded on my laptop, I’ve succumbed to a less-holier-than-thou software.

iMovie. Ugh.

I know. Kill me.

Now, as far as most functions go in iMovie, it’s slightly par. I can cut, filter, pinch, and add titles when needed with ease. It’s performance is decent. So, what’s the issue?

STABILIZER.

I HATE YOU IMOVIE STABILIZER. YOU SUCK.

It is literally the least performing function of the whole lot.

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Why didn’t I just use my desktop and FCP? Well, because I’m a moron. Sounds about right. I needed to travel and therefore decided, eh, iMovie will execute effectively. Okay, not so moronic in theory. It’s not completely dysfunctional. In hindsight reality though… *rolling eyes

As long as you don’t “accidentally” hit the stabilizing function of a frame. Oops. Or two frames. Oops squared. Yup. I “accidentally” hit that stupid ass button, NOT ONCE; but freaking twice. Priceless. After about three days of waiting for it to stop stabilizing so I can bounce out the next post, I decided to investigate. And my super sleuthing didn’t go well as I had hoped.

pexels-photo-951229.jpeg“Oh, stabilizer in iMovie takes foreeeeeever.” said one user.

“Avoid stabilizer in iMovie completely! It can take days or weeks to finish.” says another.

“iMovie’s stabilizer function will finish eventually. So, if you have a deadline, utilize YouTube’s stabilizer instead. iMovie will force you to scramble to hit your aforementioned deadline. It’s terrible!!!!”

Checkmate. Shit. 

Why would a company offer a function that well…. doesn’t function! Insanity?

Well, I am an Apple user. That explains it.

pexels-photo-302561.jpegAnyone who does video editing may know what I am talking about and if you don’t have any clue about what I’m stressing over, don’t worry. Grab a snack cake instead! Don’t try to figure it out. Enjoy your snack cake! Believe me.

I have tried everything except throw my computer out a window. Which was a great idea until I stood at the windowsill and had a secondary thought that I may need my laptop for other things. Like a snack cake holder?

So, no video episodes until I can sort this mess out.

But first, a slushy and taquitos.                         

Blue Raspberry Diva – OUT!

 

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baking, humor, self-help, Uncategorized

Pinto Bean Fingertips

I haven’t cooked real food in quite some time. Which is totally fine. My day of eating currently consists of egg whites, spinach and hot sauce every morning. A baked potato for lunch. A pretzel snack with an organic rock star. (yes those exist.) And a salad with  1/4th of The Complete Cookie to top off my appropriate protein intake.

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In attempt to make some bean and cheese burritos last night, I had a mishap.

Of course you did.

It wasn’t my fault. It was. 

The sharp edge of the lid from the pinto beans can tried to kill me. It did not.

I started to peel back the lid with the helper attached to the lid. The helper? Yeah, that

cans-fuzzy-drinks.jpg
killer tin can problems

thing that aids in pulling the lid of the tin can off. I don’t know what the name of it is; but it’s lethal. Oh geez.

An ordinary tin lid, you pull out the can opener (manual or electric) and you go to town! Easy and breezy! No deaths incurred. You can move on with your day. You know that the lid is off and you take great care as to not cut yourself.

But with these sneaky lids that have helpers?! Oh no. Not so simple. Not so child’s play.

So, back to my story, I pull back the helper tab, pull it up, then start to slowly yank the lid off it’s home. Now, the lid is coming off weird. Normally it just pops up no problem. Oh no. Not this time It sort of bent itself, which made it awkward to pull off. I’m trying to be careful. Wait for it… 

Then it happens. It attacks my fingertip.

Initially, it looks like nothing has happened. No visible cut. No blood. No pain. Nothing.

Now, I have an extremely high tolerance for pain. I imagine years of stuffing down emotions have had a stake in that. Kidding.

So I return to getting dinner ready. Dumping the beans into a pan so they can begin heating up and I start to mash the legumes and then….

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there’s just… blood… everywhere!

I’m like, “what the…”

I’m suddenly in a horror film and my finger -not only – won’t top bleeding; but, it’s like I’ve been gouged by a grizzly bear. I had to wonder if I lost more than a pint of blood! You didn’t bleed that much. I did. You weren’t there. It was horrifying. Doubtfully horrifying.

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No. Absolutely. Deathly. Horrifying.

Killer food much?

And it wouldn’t stop gushing for over 45 minutes. I’m screaming at my boo boo. “Clot, bish, clot!” Blood. Was. Everywhere.

In the end, I ate my bloody burrito and this morning my owie is still hurting.

pexels-photo-208459.jpegI’d like to say I overreacted; but, I so didn’t. You did.

Oh really? Explain that to the crime scene in my kitchen.

It’s throbbing today and now my eyebrow is twitching too. Which has zero to do with the investigation as to why there is blood inside the refrigerator; but my brow bone protectors are having a conniption fit nonetheless.

Moral of the story?potatoes-ketchup-murder-blood-111130.jpeg

Don’t eat your vegetables.

Exercise, humor, relationships, self-help

Topless Mankini Season

images-1.jpeg
mashable.com

For those of you who have never heard of men rocking mankini’s (and onesies)…

It’s an actual thing. No. Yes! I didn’t believe it myself until I saw photos. And heard about it on television. People still watch tv? Which is why I don’t watch television; if I can avoid it anyway. A fashion segment aimed at convincing the public  that this is an acceptable way of dress for  a man -anywhere – is just absurd. SIDEBAR: I dated a guy once who looked SEXY AF in a speedo though.

No. You. Didn’t.

I DID:  date a guy that looked yummy in a speedo.shopping.jpeg

I DID NOT – think I would ever feel that way about speedos.

I know! Surprised me too! But I’m pretty sure we can blame my filthy mind for that one. Oh geez. Judge me all you want; but until you are face to face with that tightly fitted garment…  at eye level? Game changer.

What? Nevermind

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Which got me to thinking… please stop with the thoughts.

Not stopping.

Of…. course you aren’t.

Would it change my mind if I dated a man who went full mankini? It really shouldn’t. Or onesie? Definitely shouldn’t. Maybe perusing the beach and checking out the mankini stock in season?

Don’t. Peruse. 

I’m going to let that just be a thot-thot. Good plan. Like a flitting thot. Really good plan. I haven’t quite lost my mind that much yet. Well… up for debate. But, stick to the plan anyway… 

Men, please…. I beg of you…. don’t be the victim of the “mankini.”

It’s not cute. How about a onesie? 

Oh, please God, no.

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Granted,  as a huge fan of the manlier version of men, I am biased. Big, strong, tall, rough around the edges with a gooey heart-shaped center…. and impeccable hygiene.  So a man in a onesie, or a mankini is just not going to do anything for me. Except, have me on the floor laughing. With all respect lost for you. However, I have thought up some suggestions for when an exception is probable.

EXCEPTIONS EXAMINER:

  • Halloween

    images
    “They made me,” he said, cringing.
  • Christmas/Holiday photo your girlfriend or wife encroached upon you
  • Naughty time with wife/gf, behind closed doors
  • A school play your kid signed you up for and you literally have no other options because NOT doing the damn thing could potentially destroy your kid’s whole life.

So, I propose the topless mankini. The aforementioned speedo? Not exactly.. but, yes, I could live with that. Understandably, not everyone can necessarily vibe the speedo exhibition. But, for the sake of this post, I’ve found a middle of the road solution and offering up Exhibit A below:

Wait. Those are just shorts. 

Yup. Good eye, detectives.

It’s non-threatening. No banana-hammocks of fright. No one-eyed willies to spy out their mankini eye. A safe bet to keep you from scaring away the ladies… and you can go from the sand to the bar with the addition of a polo shirt and BAM! You, my sexy male friends, are  evening ready!

So, guys, let’s make a deal. You rock a topless, mankini and us girls will stick to the glory

IMG_0146.jpg
my superhero onesie

of onesies (and bikinis) !

 

It’s only fair.

 

And it’s far less creepy.

 

 

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