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baking, Exercise, humor, self-help, Uncategorized

The Complete Cookie Crisis

I think I’m going to invent gloves that heat up because they know you’re freezing your tucks off! Uhhh…  Okay, before you moan, because I live in California and NOT in -4 degrees Ohio weather anymore; I gotta say, it still gets chilly here. I know. No one would’ve ever guess that 30 degrees in California would be:

A) Cold, and B) 30 degrees even happens; but it does. And I have frostbite. No you don’t.

Well, regardless,  I need someone to invent aforementioned gloves to warm me up. Or a parka. Or a hippopotamus… to snuggle. What?

I know, blah blah, cold hands make a warm heart. And it’s true, I’m pretty… amazingly… a warm person overall… Oh wow. I know. It sometimes makes me speechless too.  It’s mind-boggling.7 For All Mankind, a division of DG Premium Brands, LLC *smiles and crosses arms in confidence

FYI: go get some gloves lady! They’re on sale ——> and EVERYONE loves a sale.

Oo! I do! I do!

On a completely other note, I have NOT been able to hit the potty for two days and am horrifically dealing with a painful, and gassyous issue.

Oh no… don’t. Please don’t talk about…

I have to talk about it. Bowels. *slaps forehead

Oh dear.

IMG_5194.jpgI have been doing yoga poses. There she goes. Massaging my tummy. Stop it. There are actual knots! Laying around like some slovenly contortionist. Mental image now, thanks. Trust me it does NOT look pretty. Mind’s eye – burned. Sitting in “child’s pose” with my hind quarters in the air… in the hopes those air bubbles work their way to the top.. Ha! Do they?

No!  …And NOTHING seems to be working.

Have you tried coffee? Yup.

Laxatives? Uh-huh.

Water! Not Even Water. Enter dramatics here. Oh woe as me.. I have TRIED it all! teddy-teddy-bear-association-ill-42230.jpeg

And to no avail…. *sigh- To no avail.

I gotta ask, regrettably, how did this happen?

Lenny  &  Larry.  Who? Not who. What. From hell.

Cookies from hell. Oh let me catch you up… the Lenny & Larry’s Organic, protein, fiber, gluten free, soy free, dairy free, poop free blah blah blah….

Oh yeah, if you want to get constipated, give these a try! Maybe you ate too much?

Photo Jan 18, 7 58 25 AM.jpgONE freaking cookie! IT wasn’t until day two of eating this thing that I read the serving size is only 1/2 a cookie. *enter frustration. Had I known that, I wouldn’t have eaten– Ha! You ate a whole one. Two days in a row! *insert roaring laughter here

Yes.. and this reminds me of the time I was coerced into trying to drink a huge glass chocolate mint flavored egg whites. That didn’t end well either.

But fiber is supposed to help you…. “along.” Not only do these treats include your dietary protein but the fiber is a plus too.

You’d be correct except for one thing; fiber also expands and if you have enough of it, Photo Jan 18, 7 55 13 AM.jpgwith liquid (doesn’t matter what kind of liquid) it will expand like those tiny expanding toys that expand when you dunk them into a bowl of water and they grow to the size of your hand. Or larger. But instead of in a bowl of water it happens inside your body. And it sucks. Because, yup! You guessed it, you can’t congregate by the john.

It’ll come out eventually. Let’s hope! It will. OMG. What if it doesn’t? What if it stays there forever… Oh geez, It Won’t. 

And I die from lack of potty visits … won’t happen. 

And then I’m just a bloated body of bumkiss.

Without a hippopotamus.

Or gloves.
Simpli-Home.com
*The Complete Cookie is actually a good brand; it seems though my body hates it… for now. Will revisit this subject at a later date. I’m all for trying things twice!

**Thank you to our sponsors 7for All Mankind, Simpli Home

humor, self-help, sleep

Trombone Tutu Glam Squad

I’ve decided that since I already rock tiaras on my birthday, christmas, and

Tiaras. Check! Makeup. Check! Click to see bhcosmetics palettes & glam up!

valentine’s day; that it may be appropriate to add pretty glamorous tutus to my ensemble for new year’s! Please don’t. 

I mean, why the heck not. It IS a special occasion, after all. Do not get more glitter. Oh gosh how I love glitter… and unicorns!

Anywho, now that all the hullaballoo has passed and the flitter of glitter has settled I suppose it’s time to get back into those work routines. Boo!

Hey, I love my job… so, Yay!

Full disclosure, it has been so tough getting back on the horn this year. You play the horn now? No. Pay attention. 2018 has been gong on for two weeks. I know! And I’ve wanted to utilize that time to sleep more! Hibernating much? Must be the weather. Yeah – the weather – thats totally it! …or lazy. 

IMG_5431.jpgSoooo… In honor of picking up that trombone and glamming it up, oh geez. I trucked right on over to the nail salon – no wonder your typing so slowly – and initially had my sights on an ombre nail, with randomly chosen nails, all in a gleaming white with splashes of glitter on them. You didn’t. No, sadly I didn’t leap. I opted for the tried and true yawn-a-thon blush/nude. Which, goes with everything and makes my short stumpy sausages actually look long and feminine. Wait a minute, did you actually say “trombone?” Ah, love that. The trombone? No, silly. Fun AND boring nails! I may opt for the fun, gliteratti glamtastical next trip though… with a stiletto shaping!

BH Cosmetics
Huh?

For the folks, namely, the gents who read this,  Yeah, they IMG_5432.jpghave names for the shapes that you prefer your nails are filed. Girl problems. This was -for whatever reason- news to me, as I usually just try to play cherades with the nail tech. *stands up, makes monkey sound and arm movements to emulate the shape of nails wanted

You want, oval, round, stiletto (pointy), squared, ballerina (not as pointy but looks like the toe point of a ballerina slipper)… oh and my favorite…. squoval. Squoval? I don’t know. And not really my favorite. Apparently I am NOT the only person who makes up her own words. You’re not. I know- I was baffled by this also!Although…  I really enjoy saying the word… squooooo-val. Stop it. Squoval. Knock it off. Haha…. squovallll.
Incorporate.com
Speaking of getting loud instruments to annoy others with…  Wait, what? If you’re having trouble getting motivated this new year; I suggest checking out our new video on crushing your goals. I must admit, I had to refer to it when wanting to get back on said obnoxious horn. *She said wearing a tiara and pink fluffy unicorn slippers… saying squoval

One last call of the wild  before I go… Oh no. 

Oh yes… squoval.

Is it fair that I shave my legs in the morning and I am a Yeti by noon?

*slaps forehead

This is NOT helping my motivational process.

You’ve gotta be kidding me. 

Yetis unite!

 

*thank you to our sponsors bhcosmetics & incorporate.com

humor, relationships, self-help, sleep

Bed Bug Ninja. Get biting. Get swatted.

IMG_5194.jpgI’m convinced.

After months of insomnia on the daily, it has to be bed bugs. Um, no it’s not.

Well, why the heck can’t I sleep then….

Monsters under my bed? No. Gremlins playing in my water at the bedside table? Noooo. Spooky tree constantly tapping at my winder? Oh geez, no. Still mourning that breakup? uh…you may have gotten me there.  Maybe... 

Aha!

No.

So, it IS the bed bugs…

Okay, maybe it isn’t, but I have good news! A pegacorn landed in the backyard?! No. I finally got a good night’s sleep! Ah, boring, boo! I know! I couldn’t believe it either. Being the self-proclaimed Insomnia Queen, I would rather push through puffy eyes and feet dragging than try to sleep through a night of troublesome flopping around on my mattress. *flop *floppity-flop  The thing is, it seems as though I am just so much more productive when I am not sleeping rather than if I am. I know, I know, you need your sleep… restorative, repairing, blah, blah, blah.

That’s all fine and good but all the brouhaha aside, when I try to sleep in -believe me, I have tried! – I find myself tossing and turning…. and most likely getting bit by something.

Maybe the wrinkle fairy. Maybe!

BH Cosmetics
I wish it were bed bugs… or a wrinkle fairy; but, unfortunately, it’s just my lifelong sleep disorder. Yeah, self-diagnosed. No need for a medical professional when I have my Photo Nov 13, 6 00 05 PMhandy dandy voices in the back of my head – which oddly sound much like my Mother – saying “Get Up and Get Moving, Sweetheart! Stop Your bellyaching! There’s a world out there to conquer!”

Yeah, it is more of like a shouting, than a ‘saying.’ Glad you noticed it too. And, you think my father’s voice in the back of my head would be different; but, alas, you’d be wrong. It goes something like this, “Man Up! We’re Slanina’s!”  Yeah, I come from a tough brood. Which is why I WISH my sleeplessness WAS from bed bugs. That would be easier to blame. And yeah, I’m sure the -not one; but – two voices in the back of my head aren’t helping. Not even a little bit, girlie. Gotta love that… and neither are easy on me.

And so, yeah. I get my ass up and get moving.

Dammit. That guilt.

As for the breakup, I’m doing fine everybody, thank you for worrying about me! I’m moving along and doing me… and for my bestie who reminds me to get under a new one to get over the old one?

Photo Oct 06, 10 21 31 AMNah, you know that’s not my style. No men. (for now, anyway…)

I need space. None that include d***.  Ahem, foul language, I meant a gentleman caller, yes.

And I need time. Without any beefcake distractions.

And many spa days in my immediate future! Absolutely.

And if I see a bed bug, I will swat it. Even if it’s at the Spa.

That’s right, no fear. Protect yourself!

With a fly swatter. Yeah, sure, why not.

Bed Bug Ninja. Incorporate.com

Night, night, bed bugs. Sleep tight. If you dare…

*insert maniacal laugh here

 

**special thank you to our sponsors, incorporate.com & bhcosmetics.com. Take a peek at what they can offer!