Exercise, humor, relationships, self-help

Topless Mankini Season

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For those of you who have never heard of men rocking mankini’s (and onesies)…

It’s an actual thing. No. Yes! I didn’t believe it myself until I saw photos. And heard about it on television. People still watch tv? Which is why I don’t watch television; if I can avoid it anyway. A fashion segment aimed at convincing the public  that this is an acceptable way of dress for  a man -anywhere – is just absurd. SIDEBAR: I dated a guy once who looked SEXY AF in a speedo though.

No. You. Didn’t.

I DID:  date a guy that looked yummy in a speedo.shopping.jpeg

I DID NOT – think I would ever feel that way about speedos.

I know! Surprised me too! But I’m pretty sure we can blame my filthy mind for that one. Oh geez. Judge me all you want; but until you are face to face with that tightly fitted garment…  at eye level? Game changer.

What? Nevermind

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Which got me to thinking… please stop with the thoughts.

Not stopping.

Of…. course you aren’t.

Would it change my mind if I dated a man who went full mankini? It really shouldn’t. Or onesie? Definitely shouldn’t. Maybe perusing the beach and checking out the mankini stock in season?

Don’t. Peruse. 

I’m going to let that just be a thot-thot. Good plan. Like a flitting thot. Really good plan. I haven’t quite lost my mind that much yet. Well… up for debate. But, stick to the plan anyway… 

Men, please…. I beg of you…. don’t be the victim of the “mankini.”

It’s not cute. How about a onesie? 

Oh, please God, no.

Lung health / breathing support

Granted,  as a huge fan of the manlier version of men, I am biased. Big, strong, tall, rough around the edges with a gooey heart-shaped center…. and impeccable hygiene.  So a man in a onesie, or a mankini is just not going to do anything for me. Except, have me on the floor laughing. With all respect lost for you. However, I have thought up some suggestions for when an exception is probable.

EXCEPTIONS EXAMINER:

  • Halloween

    images
    “They made me,” he said, cringing.
  • Christmas/Holiday photo your girlfriend or wife encroached upon you
  • Naughty time with wife/gf, behind closed doors
  • A school play your kid signed you up for and you literally have no other options because NOT doing the damn thing could potentially destroy your kid’s whole life.

So, I propose the topless mankini. The aforementioned speedo? Not exactly.. but, yes, I could live with that. Understandably, not everyone can necessarily vibe the speedo exhibition. But, for the sake of this post, I’ve found a middle of the road solution and offering up Exhibit A below:

Wait. Those are just shorts. 

Yup. Good eye, detectives.

It’s non-threatening. No banana-hammocks of fright. No one-eyed willies to spy out their mankini eye. A safe bet to keep you from scaring away the ladies… and you can go from the sand to the bar with the addition of a polo shirt and BAM! You, my sexy male friends, are  evening ready!

So, guys, let’s make a deal. You rock a topless, mankini and us girls will stick to the glory

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my superhero onesie

of onesies (and bikinis) !

 

It’s only fair.

 

And it’s far less creepy.

 

 

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humor, relationships, self-help

Rita’s Dump

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A friend said to me, what happens to all the guys who get cut from your team?

I said, ha! I don’t know.. but I’m sure there out there somewhere there’s a support group with my name on it!

 

Cue examples of whimpering gents:

“Rita just left me. And when I asked her why? She just said, I was fired.”IMG_7044.jpg

“She said she liked my representative better than who I really was.”

“She didn’t like that while she slept, I would whisper words of death in her ear. ”

“Rita wasn’t a fan of my angel dusting and/or incessant boozing.”

“So… it wasn’t okay that I reached out to an ex-mistress AND had secret conversations. She didn’t like that. So, she fired me too.”

Regardless of the endless reasons, I know I deserve better than the schmucks I’ve dated – or married – in the past. Ugh. What a sad state of affairs that looks like when I look back at it. *shudders It makes me wonder if poor Jennifer Aniston is just misunderstood and has as much bad luck as I do with men.

*shrugs

My agony. Your content-driven entertainment.

Maybe Audrey Hepburn was right when she said you cannot successfully have a career and a family. You really do have to choose just one. Hmmm… Although, on the other hand, I did give up my career for the last dope and that relationship blew up in my face too. So.. maybe she didn’t have it right either. Blah. Adulting.

Circling back. So, we fashionably coined the support group, Rita’s Dump. Ha! Awesome. It’s a fantastical place where all my exes go to whine about me, wish for me back, wonder where it all went wrong and really.. just lean on each other and boohoo to the moon.

DISCLAIMER: Don’t get me wrong, I think men are totally allowed to shed tears when it’s appropriate. 

While we had a great time brainstorming this fun and entertaining idea of The Dump. It turns out we came up with something much bigger than a laugh at a few sad sacs.

And believe me when I say, I laughed so freaking hard when my friend came up with this name for all of the douchebags I have encountered, I peed my pants. How fitting! I wished I would have FB Live the event! A

nd frankly… one should hope NOT to end up in Rita’s Dump!

IMG_7062.jpgSo, for all my friends, family and fans,

it sounds like a podcast channel

is to be had.

 

 

Hmmm… what shall we call it? Rita’s Dump?

And for all my exes who feel slighted.

Happy commingling… in the dump!

humor, relationships, self-help

Warp Speed Wang Chung

There’s something to be said about being newly single again.

Let’s be real. I’ve got my middle fingers up to getting back into the dating scene. So NOT pexels-photo-908686thrilled about it and frankly, I just don’t have the time for it anyway. Can’t Prince Charming just… oh, I don’t know… show up on his freakin’ horse and buggy already. Save me some time and headaches.  Oooo! Move to Amish country and you’ll get the horses and buggies.

Wow.

Here’s my Pros & Cons list. Here’s my ‘All About Me’ section. Now. Go.

pexels-photo-209620.jpegMy approach is very realistic and thought-out. Please fill out the application. Let’s keep it in perspective. And this page for the background check. Let’s face it… The last time I thought I found “the one” it didn’t work out so well. And sign, here, here… oh, and here. 

You can’t woo me with a hostile takeover. Or alcohol. Slow and steady wins the race. Remember the Tortoise and the Hare.  Warp speed. Abort. Abort. No wang chung. Womp. Womp. 

Sometimes, no truly does mean NO. And by continuing to pursue her, after she’s told you to slow yo roll,  you’re just pushing her far, far away, anyway. TO a far, far away land. And ladies if a man is pressuring you and not letting things happen organically and at it’s own pace, he’s probably got a cactus hiding somewhere. And nobody wants to sit on that.

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Grab your Marc Jacobs’ backpacks, girls and get hiking up that sidewalk grocery! It’s time to go find your wang chung with a better prepared, better mannered, and likely, a better looking Prince! Yahoo! 

Clean up in aisle 6!IMG_9848

There are anomalies; but we’re not talking about those. That’s not how love USUALLY works. I’ll put in mass amounts of work with someone. No peacocking necessary.  So, fluffing your feathers to hide your damaging fuckery that you will eventually bestow upon one unsuspecting great Betty is likely a terrible idea. Boo! Just…. don’t. 

SIDENOTE: Want to become a better people? Have some self-awareness.

SO, check it, lesson learned.

The 5 Dating Douche Scripts:

LESSON #1: WARP SPEED. NO, NO. Heap of trouble. Don’t do it. It usually means they are hiding something and next thing you know you’re married to a psychotic killer. Or a closet donut hoarder. Or something. Who knows. But, slow it down to make sure they are sane enough and deserving enough of you. No matter how tempting his muscles are.

pexels-photo-63775.jpegLESSON #2: HANDBAG STATUS: CLOSED.  Say things like, you can take care of me after X-Y-Z, or what are your book sales exactly, etc… Ahem, excuse you? I don’t take care of  men financially. I’m old school. You got me mixed up with those misguided broads over there. Skip to my lou from these scoundrels.

LESSON #3: ESCAPE ROUTE PREP.  Buying you slippers – and a robe-oh! and renting a hotel room IS NOT…. But, baby, I did this all for you! – It’s not for you. It’s for them. Men think with their, uh, well, you know. At pretty much all times. Accept it. Now, he’s backpedaling into a corner giving you the feel guilty “but, I bought you stuff….” on  that miserable attempt to try and get you to show your boobies. Push that down button on the elevator and don’t look back. Sorry, guys. These types are smearing your good guys’ names!

LESSON #4: INVESTIGATE THIS, BITCH. They bring in ‘their friend” to “check” you outmusician-rockstar-band-music-37862 and have you “investigated.” You know, to “make sure” you’re the one that’s not crazy. RUN. But, I just gotta know who you are. Uh, kick rocks, pal. The reality is, if they are doing this to you, it is AGAIN, a telltale sign that they- themselves- are hiding stuff. Classic fear tactic. Scaring you garners control over you. So they think. And it’s all a mind-fuck. Don’t buy into it. Head for the hills on a zebra. And throw a pinecone on your way out.

LESSON #5: MOVING IN YESTERDAY. Attempting to convince you, that getting an apartment together, after knowing you for the length of a frappe. Are you high? Did you smoke weed in the bathroom? Are you loco? Did you bump your head? Again… RED FLAG. Seriously, dumbest thing I’ve actually heard. I need a light saber.

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Zero tolerance for bulls**t allows us to smell it quicker than you think it did. Aw, look out for that pile of doo-doo! And, its likely your so confused in your own egomaniac, sociopathic dreamland that you manipulate these stories to your friends so they believe it was the female with the problem. She gave me mixed signals. No, she didn’t want a boyfriend. She accepted my gifts. She sure as fuck did. She was a bitch. She told him NO. On several occasions.

THE TAKEAWAY: Have some manners. Behave respectfully.  Take a dating etiquette class!

Ah! Rant over. I feel much better.

DISCLAIMER: I’m a traditional girl when it comes to dating and

dsc_0160-2724677807-1521034458356.jpgrelationships and those rules just don’t bode well in our current society. And I say…  IT’s HOGWASH.

I’m pretty laid back. But I won’t just lay on my back

Especially if i just met you during this five minute commercial break.

Don’b be a Mr. Hippity-Hop.

On that note… EVERYBODY WANG CHUNG TONIGHT!

 

 

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**If you read this blog daily you know, that what you see is what you get with me. You no likey, you NO have to read! Have a great day! Much love friends!! 

***And if you’re an egomaniac, do not call me asking if this is about YOU. It’s NOT but you’ll think it is anyway