Exercise, house and home, How To, humor, self-help

Centipede Defense Team

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First, the vinegaroon. Now a centipede.

This time… In our bed.

You want to sit around. Watch a movie with your family. Maybe eat some popcorn. But,  a centipede is intruding via hair follicles.

*____________________ insert screams of horror here*

The centipede was literally hanging onto a mane of hair. How it even got there. No one knows. (Quite possibly from our brief need of oxygen escape from dad’s barking tarantula?) Nevertheless, it creepily crawled off and roamed on over to my hunny bunny’s hand and began nibbling. He jumps up. Followed by the rest of us hopping up. Screaming. In horror.

“Something bit me!” pexels-photo-1000529

What? No way!

It’s a centipede. Oh God.

Stunned, with everyone posted up on the back of couches, benches and ottomans, there’s a panic. Where’d it go?  (more horrified screaming)

Aren’t they poisonous? No.

Is it going to kill you? Not likely.

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Either way, I’m not sleeping in this bed until the centipede defense team comes and kills that bastard.

pexels-photo-459719.jpegShake out all the pillows. Check.

Nothing.

Sheets and blankets. Check.

Still nothing.

Under the bed?

Nothing.

At least, nothing at first glance anyway…

After trolling around with a flashlight in tow, there’s no sight of this little f***er and we’re all starting to worry even more because, there’ll definitely be no sleeping with that creepy crawly moseying around all willy nilly.

Check toward the headboard.

It scuttled across the floor… into my slipper.

SMACK.

No dice. Upon being whacked with a can of Hot Shot bug spray – that was clearly not being used properly and additionally using the lid of the ToGo cup to try to guide it… uh… anywhere – it was flung back under the bed.

More screaming.

I drop to my stomach by the foot of the bed, with the flashlight and am scoping hard for this vermin. And there he was. Climbing alongside the inside of the bed frame. Gosh, that IMG_8398thing moved so grossly.

Find a stick. Fling him off again.

We could lose it forever. Let’s think more clearly.

We grabbed a straw from a to-go cup. Good choice!

Oh geez. 

Well, we didn’t have a stick anyway. So it’s kicked off with the straw and crawling around for dear life. He crawls back toward the darker corners of the bed, near the headboard. Lost him again.

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  • 1. 2. 3….. group effort. We pull the bed away from the wall.

Where the hell is it?

….searching.

…looking.

Sneaky little nuisance….

BAM. Got eyes on it.

Pull the bunk further. Check.

pexels-photo-260397.jpegNow, we got it. Hot Shot spray can device, stat.

Oh dear God, it’s still moving. With high intensity intention.

Time to use the Hot Shot can’s alternative use, and I bet you didn’t realize until today…

Is now a baton in which we came down on that bugger with the rim of the can’s bottom.

Oh my goodness. It’s still moving. And now there’s two separated parts of it moving. In opposite directions. Do these things multiply and clone? Freaking out!

Seriously. Why won’t this thing die.

We then proceed to use the bug spray for it’s intended use and drizzle the poison at the centipede. Well, both moving centipedes now, until it – I mean, they – seem to slow its pace. We grab our handy dandy insect transporter – the aforementioned ToGo Cup – and scoop that thing into it. Finally.

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Success.

For whatever reason, and I’m not a centipede/bug expert, this thing keeps moving inside our insect transporter for another hour or so.

One of the kids says, “hey, let’s feed it to the Vinegaroon! These are the kind of bugs they eat.”

Um, well, the centipede is now soaked in a deadly chemical. I like where you’re going with this… but, let’s scratch that thought.

Maybe not the best idea to feed the arachnid scorpion eater with a toxic centipede.

Moral of the story? Theres a moral? Not likely. Anyway, the bugs here are out of control but there no match for my band of super heroes….

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The Centipede Defense Team. *cue introductory super heros music

Oooo! And I think we should make some shirts… or, Oh! Oh! Matching uniforms out of lycra and spandex! You know…

Like The Incredibles!

*slaps forehead

Wow.

humor, self-help

The Wedge Incident

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I’m a girl that will strut heels on any surface. In any place.. and naturally, at any time.

IMG_7390

Yet, without regard for natural land mass; i.e. dirt, hills, rocks and the like…

I have basically – and most accidentally – tried to kill thine self via high heeled wedge.

Uh, what?

Yup!

So, here I am taking a quiet summer in the country. Which has proved to be quite a challenge since it’s literally been eons since I’ve lived in anything remotely considered a “countryside.” Like, Ohio? Right.

And I’m wandering around in my cutest onesies and summer outfits and dawning quite a confident sashay until I roll my ankle and quickly recover from the meddling pebble that tried to annihilate me.

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You think I’d learned my lesson. Fields abound. Dirt walkways. Cactus. Wait.. did you say Cactus? 

Yes.

pexels-photo-952628.jpegAnd Nope, this girl did not learn her lesson. Shocker. Hey, I’m a fan of the most scenic routes in life. And, yes, I seem to find them all… serendipitously!

The next day, I was helping to move things across hilly dirt that I proposed – wearing my cutest wedges – would be a breeze. It was only a couple of items so I wasn’t as worried a mishap would occur. At least, not two days in a row.

I was wrong. Not only did I encounter such a deja vu; but, I went head first toward a piny needled tree inappropriately named a sweet tree. Now, I don’t know if this is just ironically named by its owners or if its a real tree species. All I know is this thing tried to take a piece of me and keep it.
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So, this city girl has to now acclimate to her new environment.

NARRATOR: Will she succumb to flip flop life?

Quiet.

NARRATOR: Is she going to have to swallow a tennis shoe pill on the daily?

Hush, you.

NARRATOR: Time can only tell; but, as long as a Ross Store is nearby, there’s a good chance that there’ll be some sneakers and flops could be ordained with glitter all over them.

YCMC

Fine, narrator in the sky. You got me there.

In which case, I could scoop them up.pexels-photo-681995.jpeg

Who would’ve thought that moving to a wedge would still be a sore move. It’s that high heel thug life or death.

Anyway, let’s put ice on that list.

If I’m going to die by the heel, I’m going to need it.

 

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How To, humor, self-help, Writing Stuff

How To Find Your Writing Process

Photo May 13, 7 16 11 PMYou want to write a book. Yes!

Maybe you have an idea and you just don’t know how to get it going.

Today we chat a bit about finding your writing process! Double Yays! 

So many of you have asked, “how the heck did you write a freaking book?!”

And… 

“Will you help me write a book?!”

How I Write: Secrets of a Bestselling Author

Sure, I can! More Yays to be had!

Incorporate.comHere’s a compilation of some suggestions that I personally found helpful in the writing of my own book and hopefully will give you some ideas to help you  finally get some words on the page too. Here we go:

Finding your own writing process can take a lot of trial and error. what works for me, may or may not work for you. And that’s totally okay!

FIRST. Get used to the word, REGIMENTED. Blah. Big words. I know.

OMG. More scheduling? Yes. Absolutely. Without scheduling there is no success. (One of my favorite quotes)

Blech!!

I know. Stay with me.

THE HUB

  1. RISE AND SHINE! – Get up early, Stay up late. Either way, find a time that works best for you, your current scheduling for your life. Oh, and stick to that time. EVERY DAY.
  2. PLACES, PEOPLE! – Go to the same place to write each day. Going to the same place, (albeit, the couch, the porch, your bathroom, etc.) will eliminate unnecessary distractions.
  3. PERSONALLY, YOURS! – Personalize your space. Make it yours. Add decorations, or don’t. Light a candle. Or don’t. Add a sequin pillow to your writing chair.
  4. JOT IT DOWN ALREADY! – Sit and write. This sounds easy. And it should be. But, this is the part that stumps the most. Do NOT worry about mistakes, typos, or if what you’re writing even makes sense. Just do it. This will become your first draft and those are never good. NEVER. So, relax, and word vomit to the page away!
  5. SCHEMING MATTERS! – Do a bit of research and find out how many words you will want to write in total. What genre and have an idea of the trim size of your book. This will help figure out the time frame in which you want to write your book. Break down the total word count by the amount of days you want to get this baby in the oven.
  6. ENJOY THE RIDE! – I know it sounds like a lot of ToDo’s so far and it can be overwhelming. Take baby steps. Enjoy the process of each step you take each day toward getting those words down on the page.
  7. IT’S IN THE CAN! – You’ve finished it. FINALLY! Now, put the manuscript away. Don’t obsess over it. (The hardest part.) Don’t look at it. Just throw it in your sock drawer for a couple of weeks. When you pull it out again for the rewrite, you will have fresh eyes on your book and be able to give yourself some edits before sending it out to an editor to red tape all over your book!

 

Here’s to your first manuscript ladies and gents!Simpli-Home.com

 

All it takes is LITERALLY a little proactive and consistent action on your part.

..and maybe some new furniture. *wink

Or, maybe that’s just on my wishlist.

 

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