baking, humor, self-help

Gluten Free. Kind of… Not Really

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When was the last time you baked something? I’m drawing a blank.

This morning? A pop tart.

Last night? Quesadilla.

Over the weekend? Papa John’s made my pizza. And it made it to my home.

You remember good ol’ mom’s cupcakes? I think I was 8 years old.

Anyway, I had a hankering to bake. Oh no. I had old bananas and hopefully enough ingredients to put those ripening bananas to good use. This may not end well…

Oh no. Remember the last time you did the-

Hold your horses. I don’t plan on recreating the Pumpkin Seed Incident. Well, I don’t intend on it… but things can happen and we’ll just keep our fingers crossed over here.  Or maybe you should just hit the local Starbucks and bite down on a cake pop… 

Stop it. But yeah, maybe I should.

I found a recipe online for One Bowl Gluten Free Banana Bread. Wow, that’s a mouthful. Hmm, do I have these Gluten-Free items? What the heck makes a food gluten free anyway? Turns out, it’s the flour you use… Maybe. I think. Actually I still don’t know and I still feel a little confused about it. A lot confused, certainly.

Circling back: So, since I didn’t quite have enough almond flour-the gluten free part- I did equal amounts almond flour and white flour. White flour is not the gluten free part. Which I guess makes my One Bowl Gluten Free Banana Bread a Semi-Not Really- Gluten Free Banana Bread… And semi-not really yummy, most likely.

But I have faith. There’s the problem. Focus.

pexels-photo-227432.jpegI’m usually a healthy eater. Lies. No! Totally true! Here’s some recipes -of the au natural 10 MUST TRY Banana Bread Recipes cleverly design to prove it!-  I tend to stick to the basics and the natural stuff like fruits and vegetables. Yuck. I don’t eat a ton of sweets, might be fibbing on that one; throw a bag of Swedish Fish in front of me and I’ll inhale them like a vacuum. Go ahead, try it! But for the most part, my diet is quite predictable and extremely BORING. I knew it. Blah. 

Ask me what my diet entails and I will sound like a broken record. Squash. Zucchini. Salads using only dense greens like kale, baby greens, and spinach topped with flaxseed oil. Potatoes. Hard boiled eggs and Egg whites. Protein shakes. Anything fried up is done so using organic coconut oil. I practice intermittent fasting (what?!) and I wear a waist trainer (a who?!) on a daily basis. Tell me more about those things. Upcoming vlog/blogs on those soon. Good, my life wouldn’t have mattered otherwise. Oh geez. Anyway…        Hey, I’m aging just like the rest of the human race. I gotta stay on top of this killer body I treat like a temple. Did you just say “killer body?” 

That’s right. I said it. Killer attitude, killer body people. Keep it confident. *wink

humor, relationships, Uncategorized

The S.S. Ego Warship

Cheesy Ego who?
Cheesy Ego who?

Arguments happen. Hate it. People disagree. Eh, fact of life. Whatever the issue that may lay on the table, it usually gets resolved and everyone moves on. Tea, anyone? But, not for some people. So, no  to the tea then?  There are some people who like the drama and chaos of fighting. Not me, I shut down. Unless I blow my fuse. Then, you’re dead to me. And THEN, I shut back down. *Insert cheesy grin here.

If things are going too good, there are people who will CREATE something to fight over. You hate waffles now? Or engage in actions that they, knowingly, will start WWIII. Ok, no to the waffles then. Got it. You can pretty much bet, if you argue with me, and I feel you are just trying to control the subject? with manipulation? Or that only you’re opinion, that you’re stating as fact, is the only right answer?  You can also bet that I will likely walk away from you…. mid-sentence. Or just go to the kitchen and find something other to make than waffles. I just don’t have time for that bat-shit crazy. And, I most definitely don’t need that toxic energy attaching to my energy. Where’s a cloud and a pogo stick when you need them?

Open & Receptive! Yeah!
Open & Receptive! Yeah!

If I love you, then I will do what I think is best for me -and you. Uh, hi, caller? Yeah, I’m reporting a 5150. Uh, yeah, well, he’s wearing a kimono and has taken up stilts-stunting? Oh, and he’s not wearing anything underneath the kimono. And it’s a mini-mono. Ok, a bit extreme, maybe. But, sometimes you gotta save somebody from themself. Seriously though, I would absolutely just back away and let your Ego Warship set sail, until you’ve come to the realization that it was all docked at the harbor, by anchor. And was a complete waste of time and energy, when LOVE, should have been the underlying motivation. I’m motivated by cake. Too bad, there wasn’t any cake around during an argument. I’m definitely motivated by cake. Most arguments come from the place of the psyche. You’re a psychologist now? No. But, self-image and how we see ourselves, when challenged, is what causes contention. Keeping glitter around usually helps ease the tension too. If you remove the narcissism, you’ll find yourself FAR LESS angry, and hostile toward anyone. Open to opposing ideas. Like waffles with edible glitter in them! Receptive to those with a different experience. I had edible confetti in them before, but prefer the glitter. I could care less when I’m wrong; But, I won’t be disrespected. They taste like shiny pop rocks. My opinions and experiences are my own and just as valid as the next homosapien. No, that’s not a monkey. Although, I love monkeys. They’re fuzzy. And like to hug.

 

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humor

Mad Writer-Scientist Giggler

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Buuwa.Ha.Ha. My cree-ation IS neearly… Fiiinished. (you’re supposed to have a Trannsylvanian accent here)

 

As you may be able to tell, I’ve been reworking my website. Grrr. And reworking my website. Argh. And… reworking my damn website. Keep a lookout for flying frying pans. I’ve moved my nearly two years of blog posts from blogger to WordPress and revamping my marketing strategies; all while in the rewrite phase of my novel’s first draft. My bedroom looks like a file cabinet spontaneously combusted and what WAS an air hockey table, is now a makeshift storyboard confuktory. Sorry kids, no flying pucks while writing is in progress. I lied. Duck! All that’s missing in this lab, is the volatile liquids and witch’s cauldron.But, add a dash of this mad writer-scientist gone SEO MAD, and KAPLOWIE! We have a high functioning website, a finished novel ready for the masses, and I’m on a plane to Fiji. OKAY… well, maybe not quite yet. And A Fuji apple is about as close as I’m going to get to that island getaway. Sigh.

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…Or is it?

As I may be presumptuous in assuming you are about a Tilt-A-Whirl sick of hearing about my “never-ending novel” story, as I am leaning over a trash can, vomiting, trying to finishing this mother f***er. The highs and lows of my moods have been wonderful during this time. Midlife much? And I use the term “wonderful,” loosely. And more distinctively so, sarcastically. Having always chosen the path voted to be “Most Unstable,” I’ve fared pretty decently from it. Again, loosely defined. I’ve endured tea pots of rage and been at the bottom of a bottle of mineral water, in tears under the blankets of my sofa. Which I’m still making payments. On the sofa, not the mineral water. But, the mineral water import could be as bad as a smoking addiction at this point. Living on the edge with those credit cards still, I see… yeah, well, I live for the danger. #hidetheresacreditoratthedoor Hello? Hi, oh no, you have the wrong customer, my payment is in the mail. Have a beautiful day though.

*Insert mad writer-scientist grin here*

…And mischevious giggle.