baking, humor, self-help, Uncategorized

Pinto Bean Fingertips

I haven’t cooked real food in quite some time. Which is totally fine. My day of eating currently consists of egg whites, spinach and hot sauce every morning. A baked potato for lunch. A pretzel snack with an organic rock star. (yes those exist.) And a salad with  1/4th of The Complete Cookie to top off my appropriate protein intake.

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In attempt to make some bean and cheese burritos last night, I had a mishap.

Of course you did.

It wasn’t my fault. It was. 

The sharp edge of the lid from the pinto beans can tried to kill me. It did not.

I started to peel back the lid with the helper attached to the lid. The helper? Yeah, that

killer tin can problems

thing that aids in pulling the lid of the tin can off. I don’t know what the name of it is; but it’s lethal. Oh geez.

An ordinary tin lid, you pull out the can opener (manual or electric) and you go to town! Easy and breezy! No deaths incurred. You can move on with your day. You know that the lid is off and you take great care as to not cut yourself.

But with these sneaky lids that have helpers?! Oh no. Not so simple. Not so child’s play.

So, back to my story, I pull back the helper tab, pull it up, then start to slowly yank the lid off it’s home. Now, the lid is coming off weird. Normally it just pops up no problem. Oh no. Not this time It sort of bent itself, which made it awkward to pull off. I’m trying to be careful. Wait for it… 

Then it happens. It attacks my fingertip.

Initially, it looks like nothing has happened. No visible cut. No blood. No pain. Nothing.

Now, I have an extremely high tolerance for pain. I imagine years of stuffing down emotions have had a stake in that. Kidding.

So I return to getting dinner ready. Dumping the beans into a pan so they can begin heating up and I start to mash the legumes and then….

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there’s just… blood… everywhere!

I’m like, “what the…”

I’m suddenly in a horror film and my finger -not only – won’t top bleeding; but, it’s like I’ve been gouged by a grizzly bear. I had to wonder if I lost more than a pint of blood! You didn’t bleed that much. I did. You weren’t there. It was horrifying. Doubtfully horrifying.

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No. Absolutely. Deathly. Horrifying.

Killer food much?

And it wouldn’t stop gushing for over 45 minutes. I’m screaming at my boo boo. “Clot, bish, clot!” Blood. Was. Everywhere.

In the end, I ate my bloody burrito and this morning my owie is still hurting.

pexels-photo-208459.jpegI’d like to say I overreacted; but, I so didn’t. You did.

Oh really? Explain that to the crime scene in my kitchen.

It’s throbbing today and now my eyebrow is twitching too. Which has zero to do with the investigation as to why there is blood inside the refrigerator; but my brow bone protectors are having a conniption fit nonetheless.

Moral of the story?potatoes-ketchup-murder-blood-111130.jpeg

Don’t eat your vegetables.

baking, Exercise, humor, self-help, Uncategorized

The Complete Cookie Crisis

I think I’m going to invent gloves that heat up because they know you’re freezing your tucks off! Uhhh…  Okay, before you moan, because I live in California and NOT in -4 degrees Ohio weather anymore; I gotta say, it still gets chilly here. I know. No one would’ve ever guess that 30 degrees in California would be:

A) Cold, and B) 30 degrees even happens; but it does. And I have frostbite. No you don’t.

Well, regardless,  I need someone to invent aforementioned gloves to warm me up. Or a parka. Or a hippopotamus… to snuggle. What?

I know, blah blah, cold hands make a warm heart. And it’s true, I’m pretty… amazingly… a warm person overall… Oh wow. I know. It sometimes makes me speechless too.  It’s mind-boggling.7 For All Mankind, a division of DG Premium Brands, LLC *smiles and crosses arms in confidence

FYI: go get some gloves lady! They’re on sale ——> and EVERYONE loves a sale.

Oo! I do! I do!

On a completely other note, I have NOT been able to hit the potty for two days and am horrifically dealing with a painful, and gassyous issue.

Oh no… don’t. Please don’t talk about…

I have to talk about it. Bowels. *slaps forehead

Oh dear.

IMG_5194.jpgI have been doing yoga poses. There she goes. Massaging my tummy. Stop it. There are actual knots! Laying around like some slovenly contortionist. Mental image now, thanks. Trust me it does NOT look pretty. Mind’s eye – burned. Sitting in “child’s pose” with my hind quarters in the air… in the hopes those air bubbles work their way to the top.. Ha! Do they?

No!  …And NOTHING seems to be working.

Have you tried coffee? Yup.

Laxatives? Uh-huh.

Water! Not Even Water. Enter dramatics here. Oh woe as me.. I have TRIED it all! teddy-teddy-bear-association-ill-42230.jpeg

And to no avail…. *sigh- To no avail.

I gotta ask, regrettably, how did this happen?

Lenny  &  Larry.  Who? Not who. What. From hell.

Cookies from hell. Oh let me catch you up… the Lenny & Larry’s Organic, protein, fiber, gluten free, soy free, dairy free, poop free blah blah blah….

Oh yeah, if you want to get constipated, give these a try! Maybe you ate too much?

Photo Jan 18, 7 58 25 AM.jpgONE freaking cookie! IT wasn’t until day two of eating this thing that I read the serving size is only 1/2 a cookie. *enter frustration. Had I known that, I wouldn’t have eaten– Ha! You ate a whole one. Two days in a row! *insert roaring laughter here

Yes.. and this reminds me of the time I was coerced into trying to drink a huge glass chocolate mint flavored egg whites. That didn’t end well either.

But fiber is supposed to help you…. “along.” Not only do these treats include your dietary protein but the fiber is a plus too.

You’d be correct except for one thing; fiber also expands and if you have enough of it, Photo Jan 18, 7 55 13 AM.jpgwith liquid (doesn’t matter what kind of liquid) it will expand like those tiny expanding toys that expand when you dunk them into a bowl of water and they grow to the size of your hand. Or larger. But instead of in a bowl of water it happens inside your body. And it sucks. Because, yup! You guessed it, you can’t congregate by the john.

It’ll come out eventually. Let’s hope! It will. OMG. What if it doesn’t? What if it stays there forever… Oh geez, It Won’t. 

And I die from lack of potty visits … won’t happen. 

And then I’m just a bloated body of bumkiss.

Without a hippopotamus.

Or gloves.
*The Complete Cookie is actually a good brand; it seems though my body hates it… for now. Will revisit this subject at a later date. I’m all for trying things twice!

**Thank you to our sponsors 7for All Mankind, Simpli Home

arts and crafts, baking, christmas, contests and giveaways, humor


Merry Christmas!pexels-photo-688019

Santa has made it, he’s delivered all his presents (yay!) and it’s time to clean up. (boo!) Already? All this hubbub and it’s over. Done. Poof. Just like that!

No, just kidding…

We still have twenty-four hours of yule log to watch!

Christmas Eve was special this year to us as we decorated our tree, last minute,

Sneakily wrapped our presents for one another. Last minute.

…and ate Christmas Orange Cinnamon Rolls. Hot and fresh out of the oven!

Enjoyed EVERY minute!

As Santa flew threw the night, and I tried to listen for his sleigh bells, I was awakened by the seasonal sounds of car alarms going off in the city. Ah, Los Angeles in winter. Yep.

But, if you listened hard enough, past the Falcon 9 Rocket of last week, you’ll hear Rudolph and the rest of the reindeer hauling the fat man in red with all those goodies for all the children of the world. Cue song: Here Comes Santa Clause or Christmas

So cliche. Yup. Deal with it. I’m all  Yuletide cheer and a big glass of spiked Eggnog!
I hope you all have somewhere to go this Christmas and plenty of love and laughter in your path! I’m slapping on my Christmas war paint as we speak and throwing on some leather pants!

I love dressing up for the holidays. Of course you do. Especially, when I don’t have to cook this year! Oh, you fancy, huh.

Except, for some reason, these fake lashes are trying to gouge my eyes out. And now that the glue is drying – I use a hairdryer to speed up this process – the damn flutter looks crooked. Oh well, Cruella DeVille, here I come! Wow.  That’s right, No shame in my eyelash fancy game.
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Oh yeah, and I gotta make sure I’m pulling out that keyboard for more singing. Oh Lord. Yup, I’m a one-woman traveling band and if you don’t watch out, I will run you over with my harmonica.

Who walks around with a harmonica? It’s in my pocket. Stop it.

And what happened to the keyboard? Oh! That’s strapped to my back. Seriously, no.

Oh, Yes!

And… more Christmas-themed Karaoke? Ohhhh yeah, definitely MORE of that! You can NEVER have too much of that!! Um, I think you can.


Anyway, If you can take the time to volunteer today, do so. Those in need will appreciate it. Also, don’t forget to login to your GoodReads account today and Enter the Harbor Excursions Giveaway! Contest ends December 31st! Details below:

Ooops! I’m being told it’s time to open up the presents!

But first, I’ve gotta hit the holiday head and drop off my own Yule Log….