fashion, healthy and beauty, humor

Pleather Pleggings, Part Deux

It’s March. I’ve lost a few pounds. And these damn leggings are still taunting me… so, here we go!

Takeya USA
What the hell…

I’ve been blasting away at the gym like a mad-woman. I’ve dropped 10 pounds. I’ve omitted several bad food, sleeping, and an overall whatever- crap habits I can think of – to toss to the wayside. What’s crazy is that my food isn’t super terrible to begin with; but, for whatever reason it was most definitely time to toss up what I know and start with a blank slate. Goodbye cheesy potatoes. *sniff sniff

Now, you may notice that at 141 pounds, I was poofy. I’m not that tall. You’re not? No. And hush, my acting resume assumes me taller. Oh, and yes, I shoot taller in photographs for some reason too. Which means, proportionately, for photos, that’s freaking awesome! Uh, the point? Right. Anyway, any extra weight that may decide to stick around will immediately show itself. So, goodbye puffball piggy! Time to toss those frozen deep dish singles. I’m down to 128 lbs now. Only took you months -upon months- to do it. Quiet – shit takes time. I’ve got about 10 more to go; but that’s a personal goal that is taking longer than I’d like. Patience, daniel-son. Karate Kid reference? Yup.

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Having a bout with a bit of stress at the end of last year. Or rather for an entire year. No biggie. Got past it; but, definitely added to the weight issues plaguing my existence. Regardless, those damn skinny leggings are calling out to me once again and I may be in a fairly strong mental place to handle it. *fingers crossed

Lies. I came. I tried them on. I couldn’t handle the pleggings fitting disaster. The new one.

The old one too! Thanks.

But, definitely not the new one. How depressing. Wah. I’m starting to think its the design of said pant. I’m a curvy/athletic silhouette and these are shaped for the stick figures. The skinny fat girls. The girls with brittle bones. The scrawny – girl, go eat a burger – types. The less than shapely; but more child-like frames. We get it. Okay good. I’m just an average sized, healthy broad with killer hips and thighs, man! Why can’t you pleather stretch pants show me some LOVE?!

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Just a little bit? She’s dying over here. I’ll love you forever…. *batting eyelashes and offering up an ice cream cone

Bats ice cream cone to the floor.

And with that rant being both unnecessary and likely annoying …

Let the pleggings pull up begin.

There’s a lot of grunting and groaning going on there. Yeah, shut up.

Everything all right over there? Ugh.

You gotta be freakin’ kidding me.

Argh! I… hate… you… pleaaaather!

These pleggings will be the death of me.

Trust me, I did my damndest to make the picture angle, stance, and height the best version of itself that it could be… to a big FAT fail.

Fool me once, pleathers.

Damn you.

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I’m quite certain at this point that there is literally NO coming back from these ill-fitting trousers with an ax to grind. My thighs will NEVER consider these pleggings to be one of importance in my wardrobe again. Oh, the bravery.

Rewash them? Um… thank you, next. The likelihood of them fitting even better – sarcasm – after yet another wash? I’ll take my chances at the zoo, with my head in the mouth of a hippo.

There’s your bravery… Hush.

So yeah, I could be overreacting. Emotionally.

Very Likely.

But, if you haven’t had a tussle with an article of clothing, you haven’t truly lived. I’ve had underwear decide it wants to move away from its placeholder. I’ve had a scarf try to strangle me while bent over looking for shoes in the closet. I’ve also had a closet organizer dump all the clothes it held, onto me when I wasn’t paying attention.

Why does the common denominator all seem like it’s you?

Quiet down. Stop interrupting.

And with that, I take a moment of silence, and toss them in the donate pile. *insert sad music here – Until I see another pleather option that will work well with my body type. Til the sky swoons and moves mountains – *looks around, is that a violin? – As the wave of the ocean breeze – Alright. That’s enough. You’ve lost it.

Oops, went on a little vacay there… Back to reality. Shame on me.

I’ve been fooled twice by you, pleather pleggings. Twice now!

Shame. On. Me.

healthy and beauty, humor, self-help, Uncategorized

The Coffee Switch

It’s not for everybodyAs promised, my coffee rewind. Yay! pexels-photo-1251175.jpeg

My coffee obsession – annihilated. Boo.

My journey on that hashtag caffeine-free life. Hashtag don’t.

So, you are not going to believe this; but I have ACTUALLY switched to decaf.

What?

I know. Pigs have officially flown.

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It all started when I read somewhere that caffeine ages you, causes wrinkles and basically changes your body chemistry to some degree – causing health problems. Are you a doctor? No. But,  I’ve been an avid caffeine consumer for pretty much my entire adult life. As I imagine, I’m not alone in this. You might be. Cases of Red Bull. It gave me wings! Multiple cups of coffee in the morning. So much I should’ve bought stock in it. Afternoon. Oh, and night. Stock up sales on Monster energy drinks. Added them to my cocktails even. Google it. There are plenty of articles on the subject. Hypochondriac. Maybe!

pexels-photo-1161928.jpegThe odd dynamic? I don’t even drink soda. I’ve never even liked soda; yet, I was drinking all these energy drinks which were just a chemically, hyped up version of… soda.

Flashback to my 2018 New Year’s Resolutions… I added “quit drinking energy drinks” to that list. Epic fail? It took almost a year to do it. No freaking way. Approximately… a year to the day. Totally flabberghasted. I began weening myself off at first, with only drinking one can per day, then serendipitously found an organic version made by the Rockstar brand. Saw you peddling that slurp on IG. Right. If you follow me on social media, you’ll remember my plugging those on my stories, literally on a daily basis, and no.. they were not one of my sponsors. I actually love those damn things.

Don’t cringe.

They didn’t have that bad an aftertaste.                           

Focus. The point is, they were replacing my daily bad habit with a “healthier” alternative? Um, not really. Well, this one still amped me up with green coffee beans and cane sugar. Still sounds like a bad habit. Right. Anyway, after the adjustment of the pounds of sugar added to the original ones dissipated and… my palate eventually adjusted.  Quite tasty! *rolls eyes. Sure. 

You don’t realize how much sugar and caffeine these food and beverage companies cleverly put in our products! They don’t HAVE to include every drop of what they put into their goods on those little nutrition labels. They only have to accommodate the minimal requirement and/or maximums of the FDA. (For those of you not up to speed on your government acronyms, thats our Food & Drug Administration.)

Don’t worry, hopping off the soap box now to pin the rant for another time.

*plop, tosses tirade into the bushes

Takeya USA

Fast forward to current day. I crossed that “no energy drinks” off the list for good. Yay! So, since I conquered my fatal attraction to energy drinks, I swapped them with Kevita Kombucha drinks. I know.

Hasthtag: New Year, New Me.

Hashtag sick of hearing that too.

Anyway, It’s not for everybody and really, you can get those probiotics from a daily vitamin and that may be a better angle that’s worth investigating; but, for now, I’m loving those little – largely-overpriced – drinks. Sucker. Yup!

And let’s not forget that regardless, I’ve replaced a bad habit with a good one! And that’s really what its all about anyway, right?

Yeah. But there’s no caffeine.

Back to the coffee, no coffee situation. Being a “lifer” with the coffee intake, it was also time to relinquish my grip on that morning crutch as well. So, I switched to decaf. Oy vey, did I have a tough couple of days thereafter. But, as with the other kicked bad habit by way of heart-palpitating energy drinks, I acclimated, and have been fine.

PICTURE IT NOW: Face down in the driveway, whispering for anyone to put a cup o’ joe in that mug that I keep shakily raising as feet walk by.

The newest thing I read about was also that drinking coffee before 10am contributes to the mid-day slump! ( <~~ I’ve added a link to such an article – check it out.) And since we all know and loathe that midday slump. I decided to test that too. I moved my mug of amazing to after my workout, around 9-10 AM. And you know what? No, midday slump!

Playing devil’s advocate, I switched it back to the first thing I do after waking up…. narcoleptic by noon.

So the moral of the story is… pushing caffeine out of my life has been a lot easier than I thought it would be. It was slow, and steady. And guess what?

You’re still drinking coffee?

Yes. But only decaf. But the way I see it…

I won the race!

Woop! Woop!

– LET’S RECAP – Removing caffeine takes time. So relax and just do it on your own timeline. Here’s what worked for me! (FYI/it took me a year)

PHASE ONE:

  1. First, remove multiple energy drinks per day down to only one energy drink daily.
  2. When you’re ready, switch out your daily energy drink to an all natural version.
  3. Finally, replace all natural energy drinks with probiotic drinks.

PHASE TWO:

  1. If you are drinking multiple cups of coffee each day, the first thing we need to do is stop that. Drink only one cup per day. Be aware that you will get groggy without those extra cups; but be strong! It will subside.
  2. When you are ready, usually after a couple weeks, or months, switch that one daily cup to decaf. This is the hardest part. IMO. You will feel sluggish for a couple days but it will pass.
  3. Finally, Reach for a large glass of room temperature water. Add lemon, if you like. Do this before your cup of coffee. This new habit of reaching for the water will eventually replace that decaf cup of coffee.
Move along…

So, for now, I’m enjoying that decaf-life with a dash of longing for no wrinkles, and natural energy. The dependency on caffeine is rampant. And at least there are chocolate covered coffee beans within reach. Just kidding. But ignore the immense amount of images in the coffee-porn folder on my desktop!

fashion, healthy and beauty, How To, humor, self-help, Uncategorized

Knockout Nail Rehab

This week I thought it was time for a DIY.  Oh no. It’s been a while since we’ve done one pexels-photo-1367219.jpeghere and this one is a fun one! Yay! For the girls, anyway! And maybe for the guys too, who like to look at ladies’ with nicely manicured hands. And for the guys who don’t? Well… I guess I’m not talking to you and your exempt from this convo. No biggie.

Hopefully, it won’t be like the pumpkin seed fires of 2015, Or the alien abduction attempt of 2017. Oh, and this has zero to do with a zombie apocolypse; however fun that might be but as we females continue to do things to ourselves to keep a man’s attention… in some sense, it is a bit zombie-like. No? What the…?

Stay with me here.

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As long as I’m a hot and sexy zombie, with cute long nails, I’m cool with it. Let’s keep it real… I’m not going down the old lady train without a cat-fight.

*sigh, slaps foreheadpexels-photo-939834.jpeg

If you’re not a chickadee… maybe you’re a hubby, or a boyfriend, that’s cool… keep listening, this will save you money in the “keep my wife beautiful” fund!

Who doesn’t like more money in their pocket?!

Exactly!

pexels-photo-1819560.jpegMy budget includes a fat column for vanity. Shocker. I know. It’s a weakness. I love anything beauty, sexy, girly, hottie, cutie, sweet, adorbs, cheeky, glittery, sparkly – oh geez, we get the picture – Oh! okay, great! This isn’t to brag about money or anything like that, it’s literally that I have a budget and it includes a lot of girl crap. And in order to keep a handle on it, I’ve got a budget that tells me NO! when I’m getting close to going to far with said chick poo.

Your budget shouts at you?

Yup. Totally does. Now that I think about it…

We argue quite a bit actually.

Anyway, I generally get my nails done at the salon and the reality is I was spending close to two hundy’s a month! Hundys? That’s a hundred dollar bill y’all! – hunded, hunded, hunded dolla bills – sad attempt at a cool rapper voice. Yes. In my last album, I think I did some decent raps in a couple of songs; but it’s likely other rappers may not agree. Since I don’t claim to be a rapper on any type of front, whatsoever.

Nobody cares –  back to the nails, please.

Okay, okay. Not a rap fan? Fine.

So, circling back, it was about a two month set of tests, with trial and error, for this DIY.

A nail scientist? Totally! Oh criminy.

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I love going to the salon – lies– yes, true… I actually detest going to the salon. Its crowded, its like a puppy mill for for women, who get sucked in and churned out in 90 minute intervals for the gorgeous factor, and I am NOT a fan of sitting there footsie in the water getting to prune-scale all in the name of that #hotstufflife. Even when they double you up as you get a mani-pedi simultaneously, its just horrifically tedious.

Are you done complaining? No. I got more.

I can’t play on my phone I can read -literally – one page of a book because after I’ve gotten into my page they have confiscated all my limbs to get the beautifying job done. Leaving me without any means to turn the page to read the next chapter. Fail.

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And ladies, you know no one else is happy to be there either. There’s sort of this weird vibe where the other broads are irritated and/or annoyed or something to be there. And as much as we try to ignore it, misery loves company.

No fun.

When I go to the salon, I want to feel uplifted and gorgeous; not depleted and dragging.

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Dare I mention the hectic drive to get to said beauty torture routine? You dare. Seriously, the extra drive time, the A.D.D. that happens when I see a drive through coffee shop, or shopping mall… it has done me in on many an occasion, btw. It usually turns up a search party for the disappearing Rita. I can’t help it. I LOVE shopping. I don’t do it too often these days but send me out for a nail rehab, and your sure to find me avoiding it. I’d almost rather go to the dentist.

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Moral of the story?

You like going to the dentist?

No. It’s that doing my own nails was much easier than I thought it would be…

And, men…. you gotta appreciate the hell we put ourselves through to be beautiful for you.

Oh and one last tip. Even if you have trouble painting one hand, you can always paint the nail tips ahead of time before applying.

Enjoy the DIY fellow beauty zombies!

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