healthy and beauty, house and home, humor, self-help, Uncategorized

Hard Water Woes

Hard water. Yuck!women-modeling-style-skin.jpg

Most people – especially, from the city – have  never even heard of this…

but, it is totally a thing. Really?

…And it dries out your skin, and turns your hair into a crack whore masterpiece. “Uh, paging Dr. PimpStreet. Paging Dr. PimpStreet. We’ve got a situation…”

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It doesn’t happen immediately, although, it does it within a few days. I thought I’d attack my crispy hair problem with moisturizing shampoos and conditioners that were too damaging to my hair before; but, now, may perfectly moisturize accordingly. It helped? A little. In a more, it’s got a sheen that is clearly matted down like a wet mop, kind of way. Whoa not good.

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As I’m over-moisturizing my skin aggressively too, I’ve learned – through google (rolling eyes that this is my only go-to) – that only masks the problems and makes the dry skin worse. Uh.. what? Dampness equating to MORE withered husk. Wonderful. 

Come on, flakey skin!pexels-photo-260405.jpeg

Does that make any sense to anyone…

Alternatively, I tried another “remedy” to my pipe cleaner strands from hell. Oils. Rubbing the scalp with argan, coconut, and even caster oils is supposed to assist.

Um… Nope. Just sopping oils dripping from my scalp. *frustrated sigh

Depending on the source, hard water is not a health hazard and then it can be a health hazard. Ummm… so is it? Or isn’t it?                                                                                                  

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One will never know unless they test the arsenic level in the hard water. Yup, you read correctly… Arsenic level. Interesting stuff, no?

Ugh. Great, now my water is trying to kill me out here in the sticks. Dramatic much?

Depends on who you ask…

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“While some studies suggest a correlation between hard water and lower cardiovascular disease mortality, other studies do not suggest a correlation. The National Research Council states that results at this time are inconclusive and recommends that further studies should be conducted.” (source: water-research.net)

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Awesome.

Cardiovascular disease mortality.

Gotta love the perks of this hard water thing. Or not thing.

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All I know, is my hair is crunchy and my skin is parched.

Woe is me…. *gracefully leans back with one arm to the forehead 

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healthy and beauty, humor, self-help, sleep

Quarantine QT Pie

HeatAndCool.com
It’s official. I’m on my death bed.

Oh geez. 

I’ve been pronounced sick. Officially, by whom? Okay, not a doctor. I’m not a fan of those. Then who…. Oh, one of my friends. *slaps forehead. And I think I’m dying. You’re not dying.

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Okay, it’s a little post-karaoke, Irish pub, pre-wedding party people, sinus/head thing. What?

Damn Irish bastards. And that mango beer.pexels-photo-206396.jpeg

Rumor has it that you show symptoms of the cold you catch three days after the bug violates your system. Meaning? I don’t know how true this rings for ya’ll but this is what my mommy told me. *looks around for any mom’s listening

And since mom’s are ALWAYS right….

Therefore, this means, that it’s likely I caught this deadly flu during our singing disco night.

You wanna question momma? Go for it. I’m not going there. I imagine some typhoon from The Bible will come swoop my ass away if I Do it. So, by all means, agitate the universe. I’ll watch.

Fast forward to waking up on Monday with a tickle in my throat. Actually, more like apexels-photo-1.jpg freaking cat had been clawing the inside of my throat like a scratching post. Eyes puffy. OH, and the feeling I was hit by a giant truck. Like, um, you know the ones they drive on military bases. A tank. Yup. Definitely a tank hit me. A tank filled with a gaggle of handsome men in uniform!

Focus. 

If you’ve been reading for a while, or you know me personally, you’ll notice I don’t often get sick. But, geezaloo, when I do! WHAM! It takes me out like a tranquilizer dart that’s just hit a raging rhinoceros in the African desert! Yeah, teeth and all. And the horn thingie too.

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CUE AUSSIE ACCENTED NARRATION: *Kronkie! A sight we’ve nary seen, folks! Out here on the plain, it appears we’ve caught a glimpse of the horned-Rita-buffalo-rous. This majestic creature seems to be in a fit of psychotic looniness. Ladies and gents, she’s got the flu. Oh no, no… she’s spotted us. Move! Move! Move! Get the tranqs!

Um, wow.cactus-eyes-book-pot-159840.jpeg

I know! So vivid! And scary.

And dramatic.

Circling back. It’s now Thursday and I’ve been freaking useless for four days. I’m pacing my bedroom and have gone through my second box of tissues. 85 count. My bestie has literally chased me down the past two days -every four hours- with an over-the-counter medication cocktail that not only tastes horrific; but, literally makes me feel sicker than I already am. Oh, but then I pass out – and according to her – that’s the perk to the whole deal!

I barely take ibuprofen. Or eat real salad dressing.

IMG_6653.JPGSo here I am. On a Thursday. Drugged up on a NyQuil and Mucinex aperitif. Swimming in a cough syrup-laden linen swamp. What? Oh, yes, I may have forgot to mention that my bed has become a breeding ground for spilled containers of medicinal beverages. Menthol aromas abound.

Shit. It’s been four hours.

CUE HANDSOME AUSSIE NARRATOR AGAIN: *Behind the bedpost of the four-poster bed, we see “the bestie” tracking the mysterious and ill, horned-Rita-buffalo-rous. With her tranquilizer weapon tablespoon of choice, she moves in on this beast with the grace of a gazelle.

“Hold her down! I’ve got the elixir on the spoon! Go, Go! Now!”

So traumatic. It wasn’t. IMG_0870

Nah, it’s all good. She just poison me again. She didn’t poison you.

And then left me all alone. Again. OMG.

So lonely. Stop it. 

It’s… getting… dark…

ZZZzzz….

*Special thanks to bhcosmetics.com, heatandcool.com

arts and crafts, Exercise, healthy and beauty, humor, self-help

Boob Sweat Bruising

I know. The title is definitely attention grabbing.But, it’s not what you think…

Or, maybe it is.

I mean, if it means you’re into such a phenomenon. Never heard of it, sassy. Or this has happened to you. Nope. Never. Or maybe you’re intrigued but want to know more. Now, I don’t know how to explain such a title… except to start from the beginning.

It’s now the holiday season and I’ve got workout fever. I’m hitting the gym every day, all

pexels-photo-704149
…and 1, munch. …and 2, crunch. …and 3, eat cupcake trees

while trying to juggle my business, my blog, vlog and publishing responsibilities with my book – oh! – and yeah, doing that PR thing for my book too. Exhausting! Anyhoo… After an intense; but, killer workout yesterday… (Upper body, cardio, and ab work, in case you were wondering.)  Nope. We weren’t… 

I’m in the shower and I’m slathering up and what do I see when I look down? No, not a unicorn. That would be weird. I see, what looks like a stain on thehands-purple-child-holding.jpg inside of my boobs, and when I pull them apart it’s discolored just like a bruise. That’s still weird though.

Wait, why are you pulling apart your boobs in the shower?

I wish I had the unicorn. Or baby powdered glitter. Let me see if I can get a picture of this damn thing for you guys…. please hold… *insert elevator style hold music here…. Well, dammit, I can’t get the picture to focus… heyyyy, wait a minute! What the hell is —

Okay, now that I’m trying to get a picture, and I’m looking at the pic, (it’s not a bruise, is it?) it sort of seems like…. (not a bruise?) it’s… not (go on, say it)… so much of a bruise. (I knew it.) But, rather more so…. *hee hee… a little embarrassed here. Really? No. Not really.

A giraffe’s hairball. No.

A fortune cookie. No. With a message inside… Um, no.

It was self tanner. (Of course it was.)

I told you. Yes, I’m afraid that it was -*sigh- self tanner, that hasn’t been washed off. Told you it wasn’t ‘a bruise. Which is weird –this whole conversation is weird – because I am quite sure I’ve showered at least once in the last week. Lying. Just kidding. Most likely a few times; still lying, but, regardless, it’s like…did I miss a spot? Uh, clearly, yes.  Serious though, the next stage of my plan had me thinking I needed to take an emergency visit to the webMD or something.

Oh, sweet Jesus. *slaps forehead

Alas, all is well in the universe… And it’s wasn’t a bruise at all… um, no.

OF course it wasn’t. 

So, now that I’m still alive from my near death boob bruising, I found some time in my pexels-photo-58457.jpegrecovery to tackle one of my favorite arts and crafts projects. Arm Knitting!

What. Yeah, arm knitting! I survived a unicorn attack, boob sweat and it was NOW time to start checking off that bucket list!

You can learn how to arm knit too! Just watch this week’s episode on my YouTube Channel below…. and you won’t need to justify living life to the fullest with a message on your t-shirt telling us how you survived a killer goldfish that jumped right out of the bowl and onto your eye. Although, I’d pay to see that…. I’d definitely pay to see that.

 

*all jokes folks. all jokes. As always, enjoy a life full of living to the fullest, with lots of love and most importantly the gift of laughter. And wear a tutu. It’s everyone’s favorite. *wink