Exercise, healthy and beauty, humor, self-help

Gym-Smell-Timidation

I have been searching through my old drafts of the blog to see what is still relevant and – well?

None of them freaking are…

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Why am I looking through old drafts, you ask? Well, it’s simple, I typically will jot down blog thoughts that eventually turn into these hilarious posts that you all enjoy. But sometimes, it doesn’t always work out. Add to that the fact that my frame of mind when I jotted – said ideas – down, are not my mindset now. So, essentially, they get lost in translation because of time. And my brain changing its mind over time. And for thus, tossed in the trash.

Especially when there is plenty of content right in front of my face.

Or rather, my nose space.

Speaking of working out…

That was a leap… Yes, completely unrelated at all. But stay with me here…

Takeya USA

The gym is a great place to go. I love it, I hit that place twice a day. Pretty much every gym I’ve ever been to has been great and I have no complaints. Except, maybe today….

Right.

Oh! Not about the gym.

Over the weekend my fiancé and I hit the gym. Now, the gym we go to now is small and quaint. And best of all usually fairly quiet. Even when there are other guests there working out. Everyone has – for the most part – decent gym etiquette .

I’m going to feel a little bad about this rant. No you won’t.

Takeya USA

And if you were there you’d be horrified too. Okay I’m listening…

Upon entering the gym, there was an – um… aroma? – yeah, you can call it that; but you’d be wrong. When you think of the word, aroma, you usually equate that to a nice smell. An inviting scent. Like, baked cookies or a whiff of a soft perfume. That chokes you in the breezeways. Quiet.

The student becomes the teacher…

Help! I’ve fallen and the skink won’t let me up!

Stop right there before you go nuts over the smell of banana bread. OR any other pleasant anecdotes of awesome essence of food.

The smell coming off of this other gym guest was horrifying. Uh oh.

If you are older, and you live alone, and you think you don’t smell – and I’m not knocking my elders here – AND its been probably days since you showered? You freaking smell dude. Here she goes. What sucks right, is that this person is so such a sweet guy but God Almighty, could someone let him know that using a shower won’t bite! Hell! Even my grandmother, who is losing her mind in a nursing home, gets bathed daily by someone because she cannot do it herself.

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Criminy!!

I hop on the treadmill anyway after saying hello and I just want to die. Dramatic much? Yes. Or jump off the treadmill and change my plans for a later date. Probably a more conservative approach. The smell in the air was so terrible that my nose itched and I kept sneezing and literally made made my stomach turn.

Again, I’m so NOT trying to be a meanie head.

Hygiene is a basic skill set, people!!

What if we all stopped freaking showering?! OMG. The filth that would ensue. The diseases! People would be catching Leprosy! What’s that? Some ancient disease from the beginning of time. What time was that now? I don’t know. When mummies were a thing or something like that. Great research job there. Eh. *shrugs, you get what I mean.

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Your skin falls off!

If you are an elder, you should already know this. The cleanliness thing, that is. Not necessarily about Leprosy. I don’t think anyone in our day and age has heard of or known anyone who’s skin fell off right in front of their eyes.

Did you give up on life already?

Oh wait, no… that can’t be it. Why?

Nope.

Uh, because you’ve rallied your pig-pen ass all the way to the gym for a workout! So, from where I’m smelling, you have the wear-with-all to scrub a dub-dub in the damn tub!

THERE ARE SHOWERS AT THE GYM FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE!!

Oh and that’s not the end of it….

While being less of a horrible reek; the nightmare continued beyond my scope of blurred vision from the clouds of dirt surrounding me.

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MEANWHILE: IN ANOTHER ROOM, NOT SO FAR, FAR AWAY…

My fiancé was doing the stair climber, and afterward was telling me a story of how he was horrified by an old lady smacking her deriere! Just so you have a visual, the stair climber is in the aerobics room. It’s a small gym, as I mentioned. So, if old ladies want to do Zumba. They plop on a video tape (or CD? I don’t know – I’m starting to think I’m in some time warp vortex), and dance around, following along with the woman in M.C. Hammer pants leading the class on the video.

SIDEBAR:

Why the low crotch pants? I don’t no; but I was given an unlikely description that this is what women with non-clean, uh, carpets (a.k.a. vajay-jays) who put off an unpleasant stench and this baggy crotch pant is a remedy to that. Oh geez. Well, you asked…

Well, wait, was that supposed to be a solution to a bigger problem? What kind of solution is that?

I have no freaking idea.

Go to the gynocologist!

Couldn’t agree more.

Pay attention. I can’t now. Seriously, iIs it just me?

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Because that was the first time I’d EVER heard of THAT reason to wear such an ugly style, of said, trendy pant.

Ugh, apparently…

I don’t even want to think about someone’s smelly hoohaw, thank you very much for that visual burned into my mind’s eye.

Circling back, so also during the class, that stinky twat video aerobics instruction, includes slapping your own arse in front of strangers.

At least your booty-smacking old lady didn’t smell like a garbage disposal.

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fashion, healthy and beauty, humor

Pleather Pleggings, Part Deux

It’s March. I’ve lost a few pounds. And these damn leggings are still taunting me… so, here we go!

Takeya USA
What the hell…

I’ve been blasting away at the gym like a mad-woman. I’ve dropped 10 pounds. I’ve omitted several bad food, sleeping, and an overall whatever- crap habits I can think of – to toss to the wayside. What’s crazy is that my food isn’t super terrible to begin with; but, for whatever reason it was most definitely time to toss up what I know and start with a blank slate. Goodbye cheesy potatoes. *sniff sniff

Now, you may notice that at 141 pounds, I was poofy. I’m not that tall. You’re not? No. And hush, my acting resume assumes me taller. Oh, and yes, I shoot taller in photographs for some reason too. Which means, proportionately, for photos, that’s freaking awesome! Uh, the point? Right. Anyway, any extra weight that may decide to stick around will immediately show itself. So, goodbye puffball piggy! Time to toss those frozen deep dish singles. I’m down to 128 lbs now. Only took you months -upon months- to do it. Quiet – shit takes time. I’ve got about 10 more to go; but that’s a personal goal that is taking longer than I’d like. Patience, daniel-son. Karate Kid reference? Yup.

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Having a bout with a bit of stress at the end of last year. Or rather for an entire year. No biggie. Got past it; but, definitely added to the weight issues plaguing my existence. Regardless, those damn skinny leggings are calling out to me once again and I may be in a fairly strong mental place to handle it. *fingers crossed

Lies. I came. I tried them on. I couldn’t handle the pleggings fitting disaster. The new one.

The old one too! Thanks.

But, definitely not the new one. How depressing. Wah. I’m starting to think its the design of said pant. I’m a curvy/athletic silhouette and these are shaped for the stick figures. The skinny fat girls. The girls with brittle bones. The scrawny – girl, go eat a burger – types. The less than shapely; but more child-like frames. We get it. Okay good. I’m just an average sized, healthy broad with killer hips and thighs, man! Why can’t you pleather stretch pants show me some LOVE?!

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Just a little bit? She’s dying over here. I’ll love you forever…. *batting eyelashes and offering up an ice cream cone

Bats ice cream cone to the floor.

And with that rant being both unnecessary and likely annoying …

Let the pleggings pull up begin.

There’s a lot of grunting and groaning going on there. Yeah, shut up.

Everything all right over there? Ugh.

You gotta be freakin’ kidding me.

Argh! I… hate… you… pleaaaather!

These pleggings will be the death of me.

Trust me, I did my damndest to make the picture angle, stance, and height the best version of itself that it could be… to a big FAT fail.

Fool me once, pleathers.

Damn you.

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I’m quite certain at this point that there is literally NO coming back from these ill-fitting trousers with an ax to grind. My thighs will NEVER consider these pleggings to be one of importance in my wardrobe again. Oh, the bravery.

Rewash them? Um… thank you, next. The likelihood of them fitting even better – sarcasm – after yet another wash? I’ll take my chances at the zoo, with my head in the mouth of a hippo.

There’s your bravery… Hush.

So yeah, I could be overreacting. Emotionally.

Very Likely.

But, if you haven’t had a tussle with an article of clothing, you haven’t truly lived. I’ve had underwear decide it wants to move away from its placeholder. I’ve had a scarf try to strangle me while bent over looking for shoes in the closet. I’ve also had a closet organizer dump all the clothes it held, onto me when I wasn’t paying attention.

Why does the common denominator all seem like it’s you?

Quiet down. Stop interrupting.

And with that, I take a moment of silence, and toss them in the donate pile. *insert sad music here – Until I see another pleather option that will work well with my body type. Til the sky swoons and moves mountains – *looks around, is that a violin? – As the wave of the ocean breeze – Alright. That’s enough. You’ve lost it.

Oops, went on a little vacay there… Back to reality. Shame on me.

I’ve been fooled twice by you, pleather pleggings. Twice now!

Shame. On. Me.

healthy and beauty, humor, self-help, Uncategorized

The Coffee Switch

It’s not for everybodyAs promised, my coffee rewind. Yay! pexels-photo-1251175.jpeg

My coffee obsession – annihilated. Boo.

My journey on that hashtag caffeine-free life. Hashtag don’t.

So, you are not going to believe this; but I have ACTUALLY switched to decaf.

What?

I know. Pigs have officially flown.

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It all started when I read somewhere that caffeine ages you, causes wrinkles and basically changes your body chemistry to some degree – causing health problems. Are you a doctor? No. But,  I’ve been an avid caffeine consumer for pretty much my entire adult life. As I imagine, I’m not alone in this. You might be. Cases of Red Bull. It gave me wings! Multiple cups of coffee in the morning. So much I should’ve bought stock in it. Afternoon. Oh, and night. Stock up sales on Monster energy drinks. Added them to my cocktails even. Google it. There are plenty of articles on the subject. Hypochondriac. Maybe!

pexels-photo-1161928.jpegThe odd dynamic? I don’t even drink soda. I’ve never even liked soda; yet, I was drinking all these energy drinks which were just a chemically, hyped up version of… soda.

Flashback to my 2018 New Year’s Resolutions… I added “quit drinking energy drinks” to that list. Epic fail? It took almost a year to do it. No freaking way. Approximately… a year to the day. Totally flabberghasted. I began weening myself off at first, with only drinking one can per day, then serendipitously found an organic version made by the Rockstar brand. Saw you peddling that slurp on IG. Right. If you follow me on social media, you’ll remember my plugging those on my stories, literally on a daily basis, and no.. they were not one of my sponsors. I actually love those damn things.

Don’t cringe.

They didn’t have that bad an aftertaste.                           

Focus. The point is, they were replacing my daily bad habit with a “healthier” alternative? Um, not really. Well, this one still amped me up with green coffee beans and cane sugar. Still sounds like a bad habit. Right. Anyway, after the adjustment of the pounds of sugar added to the original ones dissipated and… my palate eventually adjusted.  Quite tasty! *rolls eyes. Sure. 

You don’t realize how much sugar and caffeine these food and beverage companies cleverly put in our products! They don’t HAVE to include every drop of what they put into their goods on those little nutrition labels. They only have to accommodate the minimal requirement and/or maximums of the FDA. (For those of you not up to speed on your government acronyms, thats our Food & Drug Administration.)

Don’t worry, hopping off the soap box now to pin the rant for another time.

*plop, tosses tirade into the bushes

Takeya USA

Fast forward to current day. I crossed that “no energy drinks” off the list for good. Yay! So, since I conquered my fatal attraction to energy drinks, I swapped them with Kevita Kombucha drinks. I know.

Hasthtag: New Year, New Me.

Hashtag sick of hearing that too.

Anyway, It’s not for everybody and really, you can get those probiotics from a daily vitamin and that may be a better angle that’s worth investigating; but, for now, I’m loving those little – largely-overpriced – drinks. Sucker. Yup!

And let’s not forget that regardless, I’ve replaced a bad habit with a good one! And that’s really what its all about anyway, right?

Yeah. But there’s no caffeine.

Back to the coffee, no coffee situation. Being a “lifer” with the coffee intake, it was also time to relinquish my grip on that morning crutch as well. So, I switched to decaf. Oy vey, did I have a tough couple of days thereafter. But, as with the other kicked bad habit by way of heart-palpitating energy drinks, I acclimated, and have been fine.

PICTURE IT NOW: Face down in the driveway, whispering for anyone to put a cup o’ joe in that mug that I keep shakily raising as feet walk by.

The newest thing I read about was also that drinking coffee before 10am contributes to the mid-day slump! ( <~~ I’ve added a link to such an article – check it out.) And since we all know and loathe that midday slump. I decided to test that too. I moved my mug of amazing to after my workout, around 9-10 AM. And you know what? No, midday slump!

Playing devil’s advocate, I switched it back to the first thing I do after waking up…. narcoleptic by noon.

So the moral of the story is… pushing caffeine out of my life has been a lot easier than I thought it would be. It was slow, and steady. And guess what?

You’re still drinking coffee?

Yes. But only decaf. But the way I see it…

I won the race!

Woop! Woop!

– LET’S RECAP – Removing caffeine takes time. So relax and just do it on your own timeline. Here’s what worked for me! (FYI/it took me a year)

PHASE ONE:

  1. First, remove multiple energy drinks per day down to only one energy drink daily.
  2. When you’re ready, switch out your daily energy drink to an all natural version.
  3. Finally, replace all natural energy drinks with probiotic drinks.

PHASE TWO:

  1. If you are drinking multiple cups of coffee each day, the first thing we need to do is stop that. Drink only one cup per day. Be aware that you will get groggy without those extra cups; but be strong! It will subside.
  2. When you are ready, usually after a couple weeks, or months, switch that one daily cup to decaf. This is the hardest part. IMO. You will feel sluggish for a couple days but it will pass.
  3. Finally, Reach for a large glass of room temperature water. Add lemon, if you like. Do this before your cup of coffee. This new habit of reaching for the water will eventually replace that decaf cup of coffee.
Move along…

So, for now, I’m enjoying that decaf-life with a dash of longing for no wrinkles, and natural energy. The dependency on caffeine is rampant. And at least there are chocolate covered coffee beans within reach. Just kidding. But ignore the immense amount of images in the coffee-porn folder on my desktop!