baking, Exercise, humor, self-help, Uncategorized

The Complete Cookie Crisis

I think I’m going to invent gloves that heat up because they know you’re freezing your tucks off! Uhhh…  Okay, before you moan, because I live in California and NOT in -4 degrees Ohio weather anymore; I gotta say, it still gets chilly here. I know. No one would’ve ever guess that 30 degrees in California would be:

A) Cold, and B) 30 degrees even happens; but it does. And I have frostbite. No you don’t.

Well, regardless,  I need someone to invent aforementioned gloves to warm me up. Or a parka. Or a hippopotamus… to snuggle. What?

I know, blah blah, cold hands make a warm heart. And it’s true, I’m pretty… amazingly… a warm person overall… Oh wow. I know. It sometimes makes me speechless too.  It’s mind-boggling.7 For All Mankind, a division of DG Premium Brands, LLC *smiles and crosses arms in confidence

FYI: go get some gloves lady! They’re on sale ——> and EVERYONE loves a sale.

Oo! I do! I do!

On a completely other note, I have NOT been able to hit the potty for two days and am horrifically dealing with a painful, and gassyous issue.

Oh no… don’t. Please don’t talk about…

I have to talk about it. Bowels. *slaps forehead

Oh dear.

IMG_5194.jpgI have been doing yoga poses. There she goes. Massaging my tummy. Stop it. There are actual knots! Laying around like some slovenly contortionist. Mental image now, thanks. Trust me it does NOT look pretty. Mind’s eye – burned. Sitting in “child’s pose” with my hind quarters in the air… in the hopes those air bubbles work their way to the top.. Ha! Do they?

No!  …And NOTHING seems to be working.

Have you tried coffee? Yup.

Laxatives? Uh-huh.

Water! Not Even Water. Enter dramatics here. Oh woe as me.. I have TRIED it all! teddy-teddy-bear-association-ill-42230.jpeg

And to no avail…. *sigh- To no avail.

I gotta ask, regrettably, how did this happen?

Lenny  &  Larry.  Who? Not who. What. From hell.

Cookies from hell. Oh let me catch you up… the Lenny & Larry’s Organic, protein, fiber, gluten free, soy free, dairy free, poop free blah blah blah….

Oh yeah, if you want to get constipated, give these a try! Maybe you ate too much?

Photo Jan 18, 7 58 25 AM.jpgONE freaking cookie! IT wasn’t until day two of eating this thing that I read the serving size is only 1/2 a cookie. *enter frustration. Had I known that, I wouldn’t have eaten– Ha! You ate a whole one. Two days in a row! *insert roaring laughter here

Yes.. and this reminds me of the time I was coerced into trying to drink a huge glass chocolate mint flavored egg whites. That didn’t end well either.

But fiber is supposed to help you…. “along.” Not only do these treats include your dietary protein but the fiber is a plus too.

You’d be correct except for one thing; fiber also expands and if you have enough of it, Photo Jan 18, 7 55 13 AM.jpgwith liquid (doesn’t matter what kind of liquid) it will expand like those tiny expanding toys that expand when you dunk them into a bowl of water and they grow to the size of your hand. Or larger. But instead of in a bowl of water it happens inside your body. And it sucks. Because, yup! You guessed it, you can’t congregate by the john.

It’ll come out eventually. Let’s hope! It will. OMG. What if it doesn’t? What if it stays there forever… Oh geez, It Won’t. 

And I die from lack of potty visits … won’t happen. 

And then I’m just a bloated body of bumkiss.

Without a hippopotamus.

Or gloves.
Simpli-Home.com
*The Complete Cookie is actually a good brand; it seems though my body hates it… for now. Will revisit this subject at a later date. I’m all for trying things twice!

**Thank you to our sponsors 7for All Mankind, Simpli Home

humor, relationships, Uncategorized

Christmas Desk-Tree Tussle

I LOVE Christmas!

Every year we put up our tree the weekend after the Gobble Gobble has made it’s visit. If you catch me on a hyper-excited year, I’ll start blasting iTunes with my entire holiday library before Halloween. Yes, I’m that nuts about Christmas. Oh geez. And while my entire library of holiday songs consists of a plethora of artists, spanning generations, I typically only play Mariah Carey, Christina Aguilera, and yeah, my own seasonal ditties that have been recorded for the world to hear. Shameless plug coming…. Yes. But hey! I’m a fan of only the best singers on planet earth. Wow. That’s right… lacking ZERO confidence here. Slow down on the eggnog, sister girl. 

Download Christmastime on iTunes here

Mark Your Calendars, folks: My birthday is also four days before Rudolph’s big ride. Whoa. No crying. This was never a bad thing for me. I always LOVED that! I buy my annual Godiva Big Box -my fav!- and fill it with the Peppermint Truffles, totally my fave, and I shop during the best sales events of the year… it’s all roses, baby.  And yes, MY FAV!!  Red, preferably. When I was a kid, sure, I had to share my birthday cakes with plastic reindeer and sleigh bells on top of the icing; but, they made great additions to my Barbie doll village afterward. Which, notably every doll I ever had taken a visit to Rita’s Pretend Barber Shop and ended up with the chopped haircut special. You cut all your dolls’ hair?

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Photo: Pexels.com

Uh… More on that in another post. How did you even get kid scissors to cut plastic hair for that task? No more questions… and don’t ask my sister about it either, she still hasn’t forgiven me for the porcelain doll incident.

And anyway, I thought we were talking about cake.  I’m never one to complain about cake. Or gingerbread houses full of candy with a few candles on them. Dual purpose sugar rush!

Which brings me to this holiday season. There is an neapolitan swirled ice cream cone of personal transition going on with me this holiday. Don’t get sappy. I won’t. Pay attention. And for some reason, this brought back a pretty funny memory of the year my son and I were first on our own when he was two years old. I knew it… sap. Hush. I was staying with friends and I didn’t have any money for a real tree or anything and at two years old, baby’s not noticing anyway; but, it had been such a rough few months that when my toddler peeped out this new table-sized Christmas tree with small, decorations and lights  my son took one look at that tiny conifer and started bawling.IMG_0870

And bawling.

And bawling some more.

And, oh… My. Lord. Still bawling.

I swear this kid wouldn’t stop crying for hours. I couldn’t locate the problem. He was crying so long that I wound up crying! Strong female role model moment there. Sarcasm. 1) I turned the lights of the tree off and on. Nope. 2) I put his presents in front of him. Nada. 3) I was like trying to tell the little adorable ball of tears, “hey, shit happens, it’s just me and you kid. Let’s move on with it.” Didn’t help, did it. Nope. Not a chance. 4) In hindsight, that pep talk may have been more for me. Because of my crying. *shrugs

So nothing worked.

5) I finally grabbed the tree and stuffed it in the closet. And he stopped crying.

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Photo: Pinterest

What a minute… It was the tree? Not just any tree. It was the damn Bonsai-Christmas tree?!

Here I was, a crazy lady, rearranging furniture, throwing feathers around the room, and the whole time it was the freaking shrubbery!

He not only stopped crying.. He started smiling. He was my little baby monkey, sweetheart. The next year, I was back on my feet, bought a full-sized tree and he was all giggles. To this day, I haven’t bought one short stack Tannenbaum and have since refused to by a stunted bush because of that year. Which brings me to this year. My kid is almost all grown up, not really into the whole “Santa” thing anymore – even though, I have threatened him that – if he tells me he doesn’t believe, he will get COAL IN HIS STOCKING. He’s never tested it. And YES, my mother told me the VERY same thing, so yes, I still believe in Ol’ St. Nick because you NEVER know when he’s watching. Plus, my mother is NOT of the “bluffing” persuasion. I’m not going to test her.

pexels-photo-260485.jpegMoral of the story? Don’t buy evil desk trees? No. Throw timber in closets? No.

Stick to the basics.

Enjoy just being with those who love you and love being with you.

My son doesn’t even remember that random year because he was so little; but what has transcended from that small moment in time was keeping things simple and being together with all our little family traditions. Like Christmas tree tossing… Hush. No.

Our Santa would bring his favorite books every year. Sure, he’d get legos and other toys and whatnot; but, books were an important part of that Christmas morning craziness. Why? Because it meant that we could spend each nigh reading stories and using his imagination as he grew up into the amazing young man he was meant to be. He will be well read, well rounded, and cherish those story times at bedtime when I used to read to him, and as he got older, we’d just sit and read together. Which we actually still do. And yeah today’s post ended up with a little sentiment. Dammit. I knew it it! But sometimes, you’re reminded to cherish the most important things in your life. Where the magic REALLY is.

The people in it….

What traditions do you have every year?

Check out my author’s picks for this December Book Haul/Holiday Edition.

Oh… and

P.S. Dear Santa, I still believe in you because my mom told me so and with that, I would like some new tank tops this year. That maybe have glitter on them. Or not. Either way, Thanks! And as always, you’re more than welcome to opt-in on my birthday presents too, since its so close to your delivery date. I’ll leave some carrots for the reindeer; but this time, please bring a pooper scooper. I love you, Rita

humor, sleep, Uncategorized

Stranger Things Scares Me

I don’t know WHY I thought I’d be able to watch the new hit Netflix show, Stranger Things, and not become… oh, gee, petrified? No. Fossilized? Nooo, what’s the word…. *tick tock *tick tock… yeah, petrified. Petrified works.

All you crazy peeps, with your InstaStories, and your convincing reactions be like:

“Oh my God!”images

“I can’t believe this… ”

“What on earth… this show is amazing!”

Blah. Blah. Blah. Yeah right. I fell for it and all I got for it were these lousy nightmares. Said not one of my t-shirts.

I have conveniently forgotten how much I hate scary movies. It’s like avoiding the dentist for me. I put it off and then go, hmmm, it might be time for a check-up. Hence, I started mulling around with the idea that this is something I should get into. The dentist? No. The new show. Don’t do it. Now, keep in mind, I just don’t do frighteningly terrifying things. Nope. Not my cup of tea. I get night sweats. I get scared. and, frankly, with all the terror that can be found on the daily on television and the like, why open myself up to even more possibilities.  

Unknown-3Additionally, I’m not a ‘crazy for new shows’ kind of girl either; it literally takes me a few seasons of ANY new show to give it a shot, and 9 out of 10 times, once I get into it, and I LOVE it…

it gets cancelled,

or it remarkably has a “series finale” in the right hand corner of the damn screen.

Every time.

And mind you,  Stranger Things is most unnerving… So, yeah, I’m a little hesitant when choosing new stuff to watch. Add some spookiness to it? Forget it. Let’s keep it in perspective. It took me over 5 seasons to get into The Walking Dead for gripes sake!

Fast forward to a conversation with my mother, who loves scary crap to the point of -NOTHING alarms her. I mean, NOTHING. Not a panic-inducing entity without a face. Not an attack crab monster that lives in the walls. NOT. A. DAMN. THING.
And, I’m a little envious of people who can actually watch that creepy material without incident. Why? Oh…

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“Oh no sweetheart, this isn’t a scary one at all. You’re going to love this show,” said Mom.

I’ll get to that in a minute. The nail in the coffin – no pun intended – was my freaking mother convincing me that Strangers Things is so amazing. “You will totally like this one. It’s not too scary so you’ll be fine.” This coming from a woman who’s known me my whole life. I had nightmares from a Stephen King novel-to-movie for over ten years. You all know the one. THere’s a cat and the parents of the kid thinks the cat is stealing children’s breath while they sleep; but, its really these creepy mice things who live in the walls, and have crab claws for hands. Who are the culprits of this breath-stealing nonsense. In the end, the cat ends up swatting the crab/mice evil into a desk fan and that’s the end of that evil, splattered all over the walls. Oh, by the way, if you don’t remember this book-to-film…heads up, spoiler alert. Gee thanks, Rita. You’re welcome!

To sum up: I dreamt of those bastards coming out of my bedroom walls for my entire childhood. Way to use your insight, mama.

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“Trick-O-Treat”

So, it’s Halloween night – what better night to start a haunting series than on Halloween, right? *sarcasm -Anyway,  I’m ready for the trick-or-treaters, dressed up, candy, and my brand new show that I’m convinced I’m totally going to love. The first three minutes in, I am hooked. And if you follow me on Instagram, you already know this because I Instastoried it, put the phone down and was all about this show the rest of the evening. Six episodes later, and not one trick-or-treater, it was time to walk away from this enthralling show – wait for it – and I was pretty excited about it but it was time to shut it down and hit the hay. I shower, had a little anxiety with the washcloth, remove my makeup, and awakened the next morning from a dream where clumps of tangled human hair balls were stuck in my throat and I was removing cluster after cluster of my own fur out of my mouth. Boo!

Yeah, you read that right. Clumps. Of tangled hair balls. Stuck in my throat.

Damn you, Stranger Things. Damn you.

Keep in mind, there wasn’t even a scene like that in the show. Although, there’s a storyline for your writers. Evil dimension mother f****rs.

stock-photo-hygiene-toddler-toilet-scare-toilette-restroom-scared-hygienic-toilet-seat-1cc4d170-7b67-412b-82b1-9a1471a270f1Clearly, I did not recall the last time my mother (and sister) both coerced me to going to the theatre to see The Grudge way back when and I could retire to my docile in peace for 8 months. Why the hell did I think I could watch a “it’s not that creepy” CREEPY ASS production like that, and NOT have insane night terrors?! Told you so. And why would someone want to be scared so much anyway! Everyone knows you don’t crawl into a gooey tree in the forest; but I watched the girl do it and I kept watching because I thought I just HAD TO SEE IT. I had to see what was on the other side of the freaking tree.

 

Moral of the story: Nothing good ever comes from an evil gooey tree.