Exercise, humor, relationships, self-help

Topless Mankini Season

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mashable.com

For those of you who have never heard of men rocking mankini’s (and onesies)…

It’s an actual thing. No. Yes! I didn’t believe it myself until I saw photos. And heard about it on television. People still watch tv? Which is why I don’t watch television; if I can avoid it anyway. A fashion segment aimed at convincing the public  that this is an acceptable way of dress for  a man -anywhere – is just absurd. SIDEBAR: I dated a guy once who looked SEXY AF in a speedo though.

No. You. Didn’t.

I DID:  date a guy that looked yummy in a speedo.shopping.jpeg

I DID NOT – think I would ever feel that way about speedos.

I know! Surprised me too! But I’m pretty sure we can blame my filthy mind for that one. Oh geez. Judge me all you want; but until you are face to face with that tightly fitted garment…  at eye level? Game changer.

What? Nevermind

OmahaSteaks.com, Inc.

Which got me to thinking… please stop with the thoughts.

Not stopping.

Of…. course you aren’t.

Would it change my mind if I dated a man who went full mankini? It really shouldn’t. Or onesie? Definitely shouldn’t. Maybe perusing the beach and checking out the mankini stock in season?

Don’t. Peruse. 

I’m going to let that just be a thot-thot. Good plan. Like a flitting thot. Really good plan. I haven’t quite lost my mind that much yet. Well… up for debate. But, stick to the plan anyway… 

Men, please…. I beg of you…. don’t be the victim of the “mankini.”

It’s not cute. How about a onesie? 

Oh, please God, no.

Lung health / breathing support

Granted,  as a huge fan of the manlier version of men, I am biased. Big, strong, tall, rough around the edges with a gooey heart-shaped center…. and impeccable hygiene.  So a man in a onesie, or a mankini is just not going to do anything for me. Except, have me on the floor laughing. With all respect lost for you. However, I have thought up some suggestions for when an exception is probable.

EXCEPTIONS EXAMINER:

  • Halloween

    images
    “They made me,” he said, cringing.
  • Christmas/Holiday photo your girlfriend or wife encroached upon you
  • Naughty time with wife/gf, behind closed doors
  • A school play your kid signed you up for and you literally have no other options because NOT doing the damn thing could potentially destroy your kid’s whole life.

So, I propose the topless mankini. The aforementioned speedo? Not exactly.. but, yes, I could live with that. Understandably, not everyone can necessarily vibe the speedo exhibition. But, for the sake of this post, I’ve found a middle of the road solution and offering up Exhibit A below:

Wait. Those are just shorts. 

Yup. Good eye, detectives.

It’s non-threatening. No banana-hammocks of fright. No one-eyed willies to spy out their mankini eye. A safe bet to keep you from scaring away the ladies… and you can go from the sand to the bar with the addition of a polo shirt and BAM! You, my sexy male friends, are  evening ready!

So, guys, let’s make a deal. You rock a topless, mankini and us girls will stick to the glory

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my superhero onesie

of onesies (and bikinis) !

 

It’s only fair.

 

And it’s far less creepy.

 

 

*Thank you to our sponsors HampshireLabs,Inc., Amazon, & OmahaSteaks! 
baking, Exercise, humor, self-help, Uncategorized

The Complete Cookie Crisis

I think I’m going to invent gloves that heat up because they know you’re freezing your tucks off! Uhhh…  Okay, before you moan, because I live in California and NOT in -4 degrees Ohio weather anymore; I gotta say, it still gets chilly here. I know. No one would’ve ever guess that 30 degrees in California would be:

A) Cold, and B) 30 degrees even happens; but it does. And I have frostbite. No you don’t.

Well, regardless,  I need someone to invent aforementioned gloves to warm me up. Or a parka. Or a hippopotamus… to snuggle. What?

I know, blah blah, cold hands make a warm heart. And it’s true, I’m pretty… amazingly… a warm person overall… Oh wow. I know. It sometimes makes me speechless too.  It’s mind-boggling.7 For All Mankind, a division of DG Premium Brands, LLC *smiles and crosses arms in confidence

FYI: go get some gloves lady! They’re on sale ——> and EVERYONE loves a sale.

Oo! I do! I do!

On a completely other note, I have NOT been able to hit the potty for two days and am horrifically dealing with a painful, and gassyous issue.

Oh no… don’t. Please don’t talk about…

I have to talk about it. Bowels. *slaps forehead

Oh dear.

IMG_5194.jpgI have been doing yoga poses. There she goes. Massaging my tummy. Stop it. There are actual knots! Laying around like some slovenly contortionist. Mental image now, thanks. Trust me it does NOT look pretty. Mind’s eye – burned. Sitting in “child’s pose” with my hind quarters in the air… in the hopes those air bubbles work their way to the top.. Ha! Do they?

No!  …And NOTHING seems to be working.

Have you tried coffee? Yup.

Laxatives? Uh-huh.

Water! Not Even Water. Enter dramatics here. Oh woe as me.. I have TRIED it all! teddy-teddy-bear-association-ill-42230.jpeg

And to no avail…. *sigh- To no avail.

I gotta ask, regrettably, how did this happen?

Lenny  &  Larry.  Who? Not who. What. From hell.

Cookies from hell. Oh let me catch you up… the Lenny & Larry’s Organic, protein, fiber, gluten free, soy free, dairy free, poop free blah blah blah….

Oh yeah, if you want to get constipated, give these a try! Maybe you ate too much?

Photo Jan 18, 7 58 25 AM.jpgONE freaking cookie! IT wasn’t until day two of eating this thing that I read the serving size is only 1/2 a cookie. *enter frustration. Had I known that, I wouldn’t have eaten– Ha! You ate a whole one. Two days in a row! *insert roaring laughter here

Yes.. and this reminds me of the time I was coerced into trying to drink a huge glass chocolate mint flavored egg whites. That didn’t end well either.

But fiber is supposed to help you…. “along.” Not only do these treats include your dietary protein but the fiber is a plus too.

You’d be correct except for one thing; fiber also expands and if you have enough of it, Photo Jan 18, 7 55 13 AM.jpgwith liquid (doesn’t matter what kind of liquid) it will expand like those tiny expanding toys that expand when you dunk them into a bowl of water and they grow to the size of your hand. Or larger. But instead of in a bowl of water it happens inside your body. And it sucks. Because, yup! You guessed it, you can’t congregate by the john.

It’ll come out eventually. Let’s hope! It will. OMG. What if it doesn’t? What if it stays there forever… Oh geez, It Won’t. 

And I die from lack of potty visits … won’t happen. 

And then I’m just a bloated body of bumkiss.

Without a hippopotamus.

Or gloves.
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*The Complete Cookie is actually a good brand; it seems though my body hates it… for now. Will revisit this subject at a later date. I’m all for trying things twice!

**Thank you to our sponsors 7for All Mankind, Simpli Home

arts and crafts, Exercise, healthy and beauty, humor, self-help

Boob Sweat Bruising

I know. The title is definitely attention grabbing.But, it’s not what you think…

Or, maybe it is.

I mean, if it means you’re into such a phenomenon. Never heard of it, sassy. Or this has happened to you. Nope. Never. Or maybe you’re intrigued but want to know more. Now, I don’t know how to explain such a title… except to start from the beginning.

It’s now the holiday season and I’ve got workout fever. I’m hitting the gym every day, all

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…and 1, munch. …and 2, crunch. …and 3, eat cupcake trees

while trying to juggle my business, my blog, vlog and publishing responsibilities with my book – oh! – and yeah, doing that PR thing for my book too. Exhausting! Anyhoo… After an intense; but, killer workout yesterday… (Upper body, cardio, and ab work, in case you were wondering.)  Nope. We weren’t… 

I’m in the shower and I’m slathering up and what do I see when I look down? No, not a unicorn. That would be weird. I see, what looks like a stain on thehands-purple-child-holding.jpg inside of my boobs, and when I pull them apart it’s discolored just like a bruise. That’s still weird though.

Wait, why are you pulling apart your boobs in the shower?

I wish I had the unicorn. Or baby powdered glitter. Let me see if I can get a picture of this damn thing for you guys…. please hold… *insert elevator style hold music here…. Well, dammit, I can’t get the picture to focus… heyyyy, wait a minute! What the hell is —

Okay, now that I’m trying to get a picture, and I’m looking at the pic, (it’s not a bruise, is it?) it sort of seems like…. (not a bruise?) it’s… not (go on, say it)… so much of a bruise. (I knew it.) But, rather more so…. *hee hee… a little embarrassed here. Really? No. Not really.

A giraffe’s hairball. No.

A fortune cookie. No. With a message inside… Um, no.

It was self tanner. (Of course it was.)

I told you. Yes, I’m afraid that it was -*sigh- self tanner, that hasn’t been washed off. Told you it wasn’t ‘a bruise. Which is weird –this whole conversation is weird – because I am quite sure I’ve showered at least once in the last week. Lying. Just kidding. Most likely a few times; still lying, but, regardless, it’s like…did I miss a spot? Uh, clearly, yes.  Serious though, the next stage of my plan had me thinking I needed to take an emergency visit to the webMD or something.

Oh, sweet Jesus. *slaps forehead

Alas, all is well in the universe… And it’s wasn’t a bruise at all… um, no.

OF course it wasn’t. 

So, now that I’m still alive from my near death boob bruising, I found some time in my pexels-photo-58457.jpegrecovery to tackle one of my favorite arts and crafts projects. Arm Knitting!

What. Yeah, arm knitting! I survived a unicorn attack, boob sweat and it was NOW time to start checking off that bucket list!

You can learn how to arm knit too! Just watch this week’s episode on my YouTube Channel below…. and you won’t need to justify living life to the fullest with a message on your t-shirt telling us how you survived a killer goldfish that jumped right out of the bowl and onto your eye. Although, I’d pay to see that…. I’d definitely pay to see that.

 

*all jokes folks. all jokes. As always, enjoy a life full of living to the fullest, with lots of love and most importantly the gift of laughter. And wear a tutu. It’s everyone’s favorite. *wink