Exercise, healthy and beauty, How To, humor, new years resolutions, self-help

Morning Routine: Phase One

A.K.A.

      PHASE: PLEASE SHOOT ME.

Okay, okay, let’s get to it.  If you have ever tried to implement a new routine for yourself then you totally understand todays post. Now that winter is in full swing, the “new year, new me” hashtag in underway… it’s time for me to get back on that pony express and ride into the sunrise. Huh? I don’t know. But, what I do know is that getting into a new, or in this case, old routine that I had running before summer vacation is not an easy task. Blah.

pexels-photo-1037993.jpegI have begun by setting my alarm (AGAIN) for 4:40 AM months ago. Holy – too early – batman! I know, it’s early but it works. I don’t know why 4:40 is my time to wake but; it just is, and what’s even weirder is I usually get up before my alarm, rising to the the tune of 4:39. 4:17. Or even 3:53. It’s not natural. It’s weird. Totally. I get it, but like I said, it works for me. Cuckoo.

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After I’ve set my alarm for this – godforsaken – time, I have set a series of alarms to keep my morning in check. Now, it’s a work in progress as I have been at this for a few months now since last summer’s end. It’s so easy to get sidetracked in the morning… if you allow it. You totally allow it. I totally do.

Photo Jan 14, 3 36 56 AM.jpgAs free-spirited as I appear to be, I am actually extremely regimented and right down to the incremental minutes of my day. You’d think this would make me cranky if I don’t make a certain task or follow my alarm schedule but really I’m so much more cheerful, helpful and have more inner peace… Like, maybe that’s when my free-spirit-ness kicks in? Hmmm…. Even if I only accomplish one task, I’m cool with it. Like waking up? Yes. Like waking up. Routine is good, people.

Scheduled creativity? Yup. It’s a thing!

This morning; however, or rather the past few days, I have been rather sluggish. Non-motivated. I guess it happen to everyone. Let’s give a quick run down on my mishaps this week to put it in perspective.  Let’s start with the 2-a-day’s at the gym. I’ve totally upped my game on every aspect of my life and I’m feeling the lag. I hopped on the treadmill this morning and fell off. Hold on. What?

Takeya USA

Yup! Just, whoop…. slide. Kerplunk! Right off the back of that moving death machine. I’m IMG_0618.jpg
not even sure how that happens. No one else does either. Regardless. My body must’ve been signaled from the brain that day… not today sloth. Not today.

I attempted to read my third book (Yay!) of the year and it was moving the words around on the page. Boo. Not kidding. It was messing with me. It even hid itself from me. How does a book play hide and seek? Good question! When you find out the answer, tell my lost book, it’s time to give it up and show itself.

My back-to-basics boring food hauls. Well, those are just boring. Not much to report on plain rice and egg whites. Fermented probiotic drinks. Protein bars. Vegetables. Boring. Boring. And more boring. But food is fuel… blah, blah, blah. I know.

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Sitting at my desk to get work done? That kink in my neck creeps up again…. *shakes head, don’t get me started 

Photo Jan 14, 3 31 45 AM.jpgAnyway, I think you get the idea and then, boom! The morning routine I so meticulously orchestrated has fallen to the wayside. I’m now finding myself saying, my body needs to recoup-hit the snooze button. I’ll push my appointments a couple hours-it’ll be fine. Gosh, where are my favorite high heels I like to wear? I donated them? Why the hell did I do that-I loved those things. *remembers aggressive decluttering mission of November 2018

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Damn it.

You’re rambling and way off track. I know.

Just like phase one of that morning routine.

Exercise, fashion, healthy and beauty, humor, new years resolutions, self-help

Pleather Sausage Pants

You ever own a pair of pants? Yespexels-photo-461646.jpeg

That you freaking LOVE?! Yes.

Only to find that said pants you are loving…

Don’t love you back? OMG YES.

Well, this is my black pleather pants I bought last year. Wait. They are gorgeous. Hold on. They are high waisted. Pleather? Oh! Yes, they are plastic leather. Huh? Meaning, they look like some kind of leather; but they aren’t.

Ah! Got it… Carry on.

Anyway, they are skinny style in the leg. And therein lay the problem. My legs aren’t playing nice with the damn stretchy plastic. Oooo, nasty visual there. Right!  My thighs fight them when they’re pulled up. My hips are pushing them off. The waistband has this massive extra space that I could smuggle a large book in between the fabric where my stomach should be. My inner squish is slapping together when I walk, causing an annoying squeaking sound. They’re not even patent leather! How the hell are they squeaking?!

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You see, last year, when I got them, they fit amazingly.  So much so, that I wanted to wear those damn pants  every day! You so would. I totally would.  But let’s face it, you can’t wear leather pants to church, or to the gym, or an animal park. An animal park? Well, maybe I could. And maybe you’d look like a solid, tasty lunch for a predator. Okay. Not the zoo then. While, my weight has toggled a bit this last six-eight months, my physical appearance hasn’t been too gnarly.

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SIDEBAR: this has also been a point of contention for me too. So much so, I had to add a weight loss goal to my annual goal setting resolutions this new year. So sad about that.

Ish, happens. *shrugs

pexels-photo-1040532.jpegMoving on, I’ve also washed these pleggings a couple times and I’m wondering if the shape of the pants themselves had been altered due to that. *fingers crossed, please. Please. Please. Please.

Damn those household chores all to hell. Especially you, laundry. Boo to you. Boo!

And so it begins… the tale of the plastic leather, pleather pleggings. Here’s the plan. I am going to try them on again in February. Oh no, not another plan. Lord help us all if these bastards don’t fit. I’ve been hitting the gym 6 days a week, living on dry toast and rice, and drinking enough water for a buffalo herd.

Which is about the size I’m feeling about now. So it’s fitting!

No, it’s not fitting. The mock-trousers aren’t fitting at all. That’s the problem!

You’ll show them.

No britches are going to beat me. That’s right. *nods in affirmation

Go get ’em, sausage girl!

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Exercise, How To, humor, self-help

Middle Split Siracha

I am pretty much becoming a fitness freak again. Oh no. Oh yes!IMG_8610.jpg

After a long hiatus from intense working out; It’s time to get crazy with it once more. Except on the week where mother nature wants to show up. Please stop. I don’t feel really well during that Pre-emergence situation, so F-that. Way too much information though, seriously.

So when Aunt Flow comes a callin’, I like to take it easy and get my yoga on. Namaste!

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And most definitely an amazing stretch! Bend it like a pretzel, people! I was a highly competitive gymnast growing up (Olympic-bound) and that has set me up for flexibility success in life, it has also allowed me to know my body enough that I  know when it isn’t being stretched enough. Something about keeping a fit lifestyle puts that body-awareness on high alert!

healthy-person-woman-sport.jpgNow, I know, I know, not everyone is aspiring to get their splits mastered. Nor were they high level gymnasts. Right. But, for the few that want to attain those middle splits, I’ve created a video for you! If you don’t put in the work, time and effort… you will NEVER get your middle splits. Or any splits for that matter. With anything, you gotta make the time for it. Giraffe wrangling? Put the work in. Tippy-toe dipping? And, set some goals to help you stay motivated to achieve those goals. Even, if it’s just getting your middle splits down pat! Punny.

Additionally, here’s the thing, as adults age we tend to become less and less mobile. If we allow ourselves. No more sitting for  longer periods of time. No more using the “I’m too old for that” adages to get out of doing any physical activity. It’s a bummer!

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And people start this rhetoric in their late 20s! And they’ve already got one foot in the proverbial Twinkie grave in their 30s!!! It’s absurd. 

But, I like to test the limits. Challenge my body. Challenge my mind. When my kid waspexels-photo-690598.jpeg play school age, you’d catch me out on the playground with the kids swinging around on the monkey bars and throwing a ball around and hopping on and off curbs for that matter as well!! As soon as we stop playing, our bodies start aging at an accelerated rate. Add a dash of peer pressure and social atmosphere of friends who complain of ailments and don’t want to get off a couch… and you have a recipe for couch potato-ing with your snacks and beer for forty plus years.

How about… no thanks!

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So, get off the couch, and get some flexibility going… it’ll get the blood moving, the brain moving and most of all; it’ll help keep ya young!

Yes, exercise and flexibility help stave off the aging process.

Oh yeah, and so does hot sauce. Pass the siracha!

Who’da thunk it!

 

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