Exercise, How To, humor, self-help

Middle Split Siracha

I am pretty much becoming a fitness freak again. Oh no. Oh yes!IMG_8610.jpg

After a long hiatus from intense working out; It’s time to get crazy with it once more. Except on the week where mother nature wants to show up. Please stop. I don’t feel really well during that Pre-emergence situation, so F-that. Way too much information though, seriously.

So when Aunt Flow comes a callin’, I like to take it easy and get my yoga on. Namaste!

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And most definitely an amazing stretch! Bend it like a pretzel, people! I was a highly competitive gymnast growing up (Olympic-bound) and that has set me up for flexibility success in life, it has also allowed me to know my body enough that I  know when it isn’t being stretched enough. Something about keeping a fit lifestyle puts that body-awareness on high alert!

healthy-person-woman-sport.jpgNow, I know, I know, not everyone is aspiring to get their splits mastered. Nor were they high level gymnasts. Right. But, for the few that want to attain those middle splits, I’ve created a video for you! If you don’t put in the work, time and effort… you will NEVER get your middle splits. Or any splits for that matter. With anything, you gotta make the time for it. Giraffe wrangling? Put the work in. Tippy-toe dipping? And, set some goals to help you stay motivated to achieve those goals. Even, if it’s just getting your middle splits down pat! Punny.

Additionally, here’s the thing, as adults age we tend to become less and less mobile. If we allow ourselves. No more sitting for  longer periods of time. No more using the “I’m too old for that” adages to get out of doing any physical activity. It’s a bummer!

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And people start this rhetoric in their late 20s! And they’ve already got one foot in the proverbial Twinkie grave in their 30s!!! It’s absurd. 

But, I like to test the limits. Challenge my body. Challenge my mind. When my kid waspexels-photo-690598.jpeg play school age, you’d catch me out on the playground with the kids swinging around on the monkey bars and throwing a ball around and hopping on and off curbs for that matter as well!! As soon as we stop playing, our bodies start aging at an accelerated rate. Add a dash of peer pressure and social atmosphere of friends who complain of ailments and don’t want to get off a couch… and you have a recipe for couch potato-ing with your snacks and beer for forty plus years.

How about… no thanks!

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So, get off the couch, and get some flexibility going… it’ll get the blood moving, the brain moving and most of all; it’ll help keep ya young!

Yes, exercise and flexibility help stave off the aging process.

Oh yeah, and so does hot sauce. Pass the siracha!

Who’da thunk it!

 

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Exercise, house and home, How To, humor, self-help

Centipede Defense Team

HeatAndCool.com

First, the vinegaroon. Now a centipede.

This time… In our bed.

You want to sit around. Watch a movie with your family. Maybe eat some popcorn. But,  a centipede is intruding via hair follicles.

*____________________ insert screams of horror here*

The centipede was literally hanging onto a mane of hair. How it even got there. No one knows. (Quite possibly from our brief need of oxygen escape from dad’s barking tarantula?) Nevertheless, it creepily crawled off and roamed on over to my hunny bunny’s hand and began nibbling. He jumps up. Followed by the rest of us hopping up. Screaming. In horror.

“Something bit me!” pexels-photo-1000529

What? No way!

It’s a centipede. Oh God.

Stunned, with everyone posted up on the back of couches, benches and ottomans, there’s a panic. Where’d it go?  (more horrified screaming)

Aren’t they poisonous? No.

Is it going to kill you? Not likely.

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Either way, I’m not sleeping in this bed until the centipede defense team comes and kills that bastard.

pexels-photo-459719.jpegShake out all the pillows. Check.

Nothing.

Sheets and blankets. Check.

Still nothing.

Under the bed?

Nothing.

At least, nothing at first glance anyway…

After trolling around with a flashlight in tow, there’s no sight of this little f***er and we’re all starting to worry even more because, there’ll definitely be no sleeping with that creepy crawly moseying around all willy nilly.

Check toward the headboard.

It scuttled across the floor… into my slipper.

SMACK.

No dice. Upon being whacked with a can of Hot Shot bug spray – that was clearly not being used properly and additionally using the lid of the ToGo cup to try to guide it… uh… anywhere – it was flung back under the bed.

More screaming.

I drop to my stomach by the foot of the bed, with the flashlight and am scoping hard for this vermin. And there he was. Climbing alongside the inside of the bed frame. Gosh, that IMG_8398thing moved so grossly.

Find a stick. Fling him off again.

We could lose it forever. Let’s think more clearly.

We grabbed a straw from a to-go cup. Good choice!

Oh geez. 

Well, we didn’t have a stick anyway. So it’s kicked off with the straw and crawling around for dear life. He crawls back toward the darker corners of the bed, near the headboard. Lost him again.

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  • 1. 2. 3….. group effort. We pull the bed away from the wall.

Where the hell is it?

….searching.

…looking.

Sneaky little nuisance….

BAM. Got eyes on it.

Pull the bunk further. Check.

pexels-photo-260397.jpegNow, we got it. Hot Shot spray can device, stat.

Oh dear God, it’s still moving. With high intensity intention.

Time to use the Hot Shot can’s alternative use, and I bet you didn’t realize until today…

Is now a baton in which we came down on that bugger with the rim of the can’s bottom.

Oh my goodness. It’s still moving. And now there’s two separated parts of it moving. In opposite directions. Do these things multiply and clone? Freaking out!

Seriously. Why won’t this thing die.

We then proceed to use the bug spray for it’s intended use and drizzle the poison at the centipede. Well, both moving centipedes now, until it – I mean, they – seem to slow its pace. We grab our handy dandy insect transporter – the aforementioned ToGo Cup – and scoop that thing into it. Finally.

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Success.

For whatever reason, and I’m not a centipede/bug expert, this thing keeps moving inside our insect transporter for another hour or so.

One of the kids says, “hey, let’s feed it to the Vinegaroon! These are the kind of bugs they eat.”

Um, well, the centipede is now soaked in a deadly chemical. I like where you’re going with this… but, let’s scratch that thought.

Maybe not the best idea to feed the arachnid scorpion eater with a toxic centipede.

Moral of the story? Theres a moral? Not likely. Anyway, the bugs here are out of control but there no match for my band of super heroes….

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The Centipede Defense Team. *cue introductory super heros music

Oooo! And I think we should make some shirts… or, Oh! Oh! Matching uniforms out of lycra and spandex! You know…

Like The Incredibles!

*slaps forehead

Wow.

Exercise, humor, relationships, self-help

Topless Mankini Season

images-1.jpeg
mashable.com

For those of you who have never heard of men rocking mankini’s (and onesies)…

It’s an actual thing. No. Yes! I didn’t believe it myself until I saw photos. And heard about it on television. People still watch tv? Which is why I don’t watch television; if I can avoid it anyway. A fashion segment aimed at convincing the public  that this is an acceptable way of dress for  a man -anywhere – is just absurd. SIDEBAR: I dated a guy once who looked SEXY AF in a speedo though.

No. You. Didn’t.

I DID:  date a guy that looked yummy in a speedo.shopping.jpeg

I DID NOT – think I would ever feel that way about speedos.

I know! Surprised me too! But I’m pretty sure we can blame my filthy mind for that one. Oh geez. Judge me all you want; but until you are face to face with that tightly fitted garment…  at eye level? Game changer.

What? Nevermind

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Which got me to thinking… please stop with the thoughts.

Not stopping.

Of…. course you aren’t.

Would it change my mind if I dated a man who went full mankini? It really shouldn’t. Or onesie? Definitely shouldn’t. Maybe perusing the beach and checking out the mankini stock in season?

Don’t. Peruse. 

I’m going to let that just be a thot-thot. Good plan. Like a flitting thot. Really good plan. I haven’t quite lost my mind that much yet. Well… up for debate. But, stick to the plan anyway… 

Men, please…. I beg of you…. don’t be the victim of the “mankini.”

It’s not cute. How about a onesie? 

Oh, please God, no.

Lung health / breathing support

Granted,  as a huge fan of the manlier version of men, I am biased. Big, strong, tall, rough around the edges with a gooey heart-shaped center…. and impeccable hygiene.  So a man in a onesie, or a mankini is just not going to do anything for me. Except, have me on the floor laughing. With all respect lost for you. However, I have thought up some suggestions for when an exception is probable.

EXCEPTIONS EXAMINER:

  • Halloween

    images
    “They made me,” he said, cringing.
  • Christmas/Holiday photo your girlfriend or wife encroached upon you
  • Naughty time with wife/gf, behind closed doors
  • A school play your kid signed you up for and you literally have no other options because NOT doing the damn thing could potentially destroy your kid’s whole life.

So, I propose the topless mankini. The aforementioned speedo? Not exactly.. but, yes, I could live with that. Understandably, not everyone can necessarily vibe the speedo exhibition. But, for the sake of this post, I’ve found a middle of the road solution and offering up Exhibit A below:

Wait. Those are just shorts. 

Yup. Good eye, detectives.

It’s non-threatening. No banana-hammocks of fright. No one-eyed willies to spy out their mankini eye. A safe bet to keep you from scaring away the ladies… and you can go from the sand to the bar with the addition of a polo shirt and BAM! You, my sexy male friends, are  evening ready!

So, guys, let’s make a deal. You rock a topless, mankini and us girls will stick to the glory

IMG_0146.jpg
my superhero onesie

of onesies (and bikinis) !

 

It’s only fair.

 

And it’s far less creepy.

 

 

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