Exercise, house and home, How To, humor, self-help

Centipede Defense Team

HeatAndCool.com

First, the vinegaroon. Now a centipede.

This time… In our bed.

You want to sit around. Watch a movie with your family. Maybe eat some popcorn. But,  a centipede is intruding via hair follicles.

*____________________ insert screams of horror here*

The centipede was literally hanging onto a mane of hair. How it even got there. No one knows. (Quite possibly from our brief need of oxygen escape from dad’s barking tarantula?) Nevertheless, it creepily crawled off and roamed on over to my hunny bunny’s hand and began nibbling. He jumps up. Followed by the rest of us hopping up. Screaming. In horror.

“Something bit me!” pexels-photo-1000529

What? No way!

It’s a centipede. Oh God.

Stunned, with everyone posted up on the back of couches, benches and ottomans, there’s a panic. Where’d it go?  (more horrified screaming)

Aren’t they poisonous? No.

Is it going to kill you? Not likely.

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Either way, I’m not sleeping in this bed until the centipede defense team comes and kills that bastard.

pexels-photo-459719.jpegShake out all the pillows. Check.

Nothing.

Sheets and blankets. Check.

Still nothing.

Under the bed?

Nothing.

At least, nothing at first glance anyway…

After trolling around with a flashlight in tow, there’s no sight of this little f***er and we’re all starting to worry even more because, there’ll definitely be no sleeping with that creepy crawly moseying around all willy nilly.

Check toward the headboard.

It scuttled across the floor… into my slipper.

SMACK.

No dice. Upon being whacked with a can of Hot Shot bug spray – that was clearly not being used properly and additionally using the lid of the ToGo cup to try to guide it… uh… anywhere – it was flung back under the bed.

More screaming.

I drop to my stomach by the foot of the bed, with the flashlight and am scoping hard for this vermin. And there he was. Climbing alongside the inside of the bed frame. Gosh, that IMG_8398thing moved so grossly.

Find a stick. Fling him off again.

We could lose it forever. Let’s think more clearly.

We grabbed a straw from a to-go cup. Good choice!

Oh geez. 

Well, we didn’t have a stick anyway. So it’s kicked off with the straw and crawling around for dear life. He crawls back toward the darker corners of the bed, near the headboard. Lost him again.

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  • 1. 2. 3….. group effort. We pull the bed away from the wall.

Where the hell is it?

….searching.

…looking.

Sneaky little nuisance….

BAM. Got eyes on it.

Pull the bunk further. Check.

pexels-photo-260397.jpegNow, we got it. Hot Shot spray can device, stat.

Oh dear God, it’s still moving. With high intensity intention.

Time to use the Hot Shot can’s alternative use, and I bet you didn’t realize until today…

Is now a baton in which we came down on that bugger with the rim of the can’s bottom.

Oh my goodness. It’s still moving. And now there’s two separated parts of it moving. In opposite directions. Do these things multiply and clone? Freaking out!

Seriously. Why won’t this thing die.

We then proceed to use the bug spray for it’s intended use and drizzle the poison at the centipede. Well, both moving centipedes now, until it – I mean, they – seem to slow its pace. We grab our handy dandy insect transporter – the aforementioned ToGo Cup – and scoop that thing into it. Finally.

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Success.

For whatever reason, and I’m not a centipede/bug expert, this thing keeps moving inside our insect transporter for another hour or so.

One of the kids says, “hey, let’s feed it to the Vinegaroon! These are the kind of bugs they eat.”

Um, well, the centipede is now soaked in a deadly chemical. I like where you’re going with this… but, let’s scratch that thought.

Maybe not the best idea to feed the arachnid scorpion eater with a toxic centipede.

Moral of the story? Theres a moral? Not likely. Anyway, the bugs here are out of control but there no match for my band of super heroes….

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The Centipede Defense Team. *cue introductory super heros music

Oooo! And I think we should make some shirts… or, Oh! Oh! Matching uniforms out of lycra and spandex! You know…

Like The Incredibles!

*slaps forehead

Wow.

Exercise, humor, relationships, self-help

Topless Mankini Season

images-1.jpeg
mashable.com

For those of you who have never heard of men rocking mankini’s (and onesies)…

It’s an actual thing. No. Yes! I didn’t believe it myself until I saw photos. And heard about it on television. People still watch tv? Which is why I don’t watch television; if I can avoid it anyway. A fashion segment aimed at convincing the public  that this is an acceptable way of dress for  a man -anywhere – is just absurd. SIDEBAR: I dated a guy once who looked SEXY AF in a speedo though.

No. You. Didn’t.

I DID:  date a guy that looked yummy in a speedo.shopping.jpeg

I DID NOT – think I would ever feel that way about speedos.

I know! Surprised me too! But I’m pretty sure we can blame my filthy mind for that one. Oh geez. Judge me all you want; but until you are face to face with that tightly fitted garment…  at eye level? Game changer.

What? Nevermind

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Which got me to thinking… please stop with the thoughts.

Not stopping.

Of…. course you aren’t.

Would it change my mind if I dated a man who went full mankini? It really shouldn’t. Or onesie? Definitely shouldn’t. Maybe perusing the beach and checking out the mankini stock in season?

Don’t. Peruse. 

I’m going to let that just be a thot-thot. Good plan. Like a flitting thot. Really good plan. I haven’t quite lost my mind that much yet. Well… up for debate. But, stick to the plan anyway… 

Men, please…. I beg of you…. don’t be the victim of the “mankini.”

It’s not cute. How about a onesie? 

Oh, please God, no.

Lung health / breathing support

Granted,  as a huge fan of the manlier version of men, I am biased. Big, strong, tall, rough around the edges with a gooey heart-shaped center…. and impeccable hygiene.  So a man in a onesie, or a mankini is just not going to do anything for me. Except, have me on the floor laughing. With all respect lost for you. However, I have thought up some suggestions for when an exception is probable.

EXCEPTIONS EXAMINER:

  • Halloween

    images
    “They made me,” he said, cringing.
  • Christmas/Holiday photo your girlfriend or wife encroached upon you
  • Naughty time with wife/gf, behind closed doors
  • A school play your kid signed you up for and you literally have no other options because NOT doing the damn thing could potentially destroy your kid’s whole life.

So, I propose the topless mankini. The aforementioned speedo? Not exactly.. but, yes, I could live with that. Understandably, not everyone can necessarily vibe the speedo exhibition. But, for the sake of this post, I’ve found a middle of the road solution and offering up Exhibit A below:

Wait. Those are just shorts. 

Yup. Good eye, detectives.

It’s non-threatening. No banana-hammocks of fright. No one-eyed willies to spy out their mankini eye. A safe bet to keep you from scaring away the ladies… and you can go from the sand to the bar with the addition of a polo shirt and BAM! You, my sexy male friends, are  evening ready!

So, guys, let’s make a deal. You rock a topless, mankini and us girls will stick to the glory

IMG_0146.jpg
my superhero onesie

of onesies (and bikinis) !

 

It’s only fair.

 

And it’s far less creepy.

 

 

*Thank you to our sponsors HampshireLabs,Inc., Amazon, & OmahaSteaks! 
baking, Exercise, humor, self-help, Uncategorized

The Complete Cookie Crisis

I think I’m going to invent gloves that heat up because they know you’re freezing your tucks off! Uhhh…  Okay, before you moan, because I live in California and NOT in -4 degrees Ohio weather anymore; I gotta say, it still gets chilly here. I know. No one would’ve ever guess that 30 degrees in California would be:

A) Cold, and B) 30 degrees even happens; but it does. And I have frostbite. No you don’t.

Well, regardless,  I need someone to invent aforementioned gloves to warm me up. Or a parka. Or a hippopotamus… to snuggle. What?

I know, blah blah, cold hands make a warm heart. And it’s true, I’m pretty… amazingly… a warm person overall… Oh wow. I know. It sometimes makes me speechless too.  It’s mind-boggling.7 For All Mankind, a division of DG Premium Brands, LLC *smiles and crosses arms in confidence

FYI: go get some gloves lady! They’re on sale ——> and EVERYONE loves a sale.

Oo! I do! I do!

On a completely other note, I have NOT been able to hit the potty for two days and am horrifically dealing with a painful, and gassyous issue.

Oh no… don’t. Please don’t talk about…

I have to talk about it. Bowels. *slaps forehead

Oh dear.

IMG_5194.jpgI have been doing yoga poses. There she goes. Massaging my tummy. Stop it. There are actual knots! Laying around like some slovenly contortionist. Mental image now, thanks. Trust me it does NOT look pretty. Mind’s eye – burned. Sitting in “child’s pose” with my hind quarters in the air… in the hopes those air bubbles work their way to the top.. Ha! Do they?

No!  …And NOTHING seems to be working.

Have you tried coffee? Yup.

Laxatives? Uh-huh.

Water! Not Even Water. Enter dramatics here. Oh woe as me.. I have TRIED it all! teddy-teddy-bear-association-ill-42230.jpeg

And to no avail…. *sigh- To no avail.

I gotta ask, regrettably, how did this happen?

Lenny  &  Larry.  Who? Not who. What. From hell.

Cookies from hell. Oh let me catch you up… the Lenny & Larry’s Organic, protein, fiber, gluten free, soy free, dairy free, poop free blah blah blah….

Oh yeah, if you want to get constipated, give these a try! Maybe you ate too much?

Photo Jan 18, 7 58 25 AM.jpgONE freaking cookie! IT wasn’t until day two of eating this thing that I read the serving size is only 1/2 a cookie. *enter frustration. Had I known that, I wouldn’t have eaten– Ha! You ate a whole one. Two days in a row! *insert roaring laughter here

Yes.. and this reminds me of the time I was coerced into trying to drink a huge glass chocolate mint flavored egg whites. That didn’t end well either.

But fiber is supposed to help you…. “along.” Not only do these treats include your dietary protein but the fiber is a plus too.

You’d be correct except for one thing; fiber also expands and if you have enough of it, Photo Jan 18, 7 55 13 AM.jpgwith liquid (doesn’t matter what kind of liquid) it will expand like those tiny expanding toys that expand when you dunk them into a bowl of water and they grow to the size of your hand. Or larger. But instead of in a bowl of water it happens inside your body. And it sucks. Because, yup! You guessed it, you can’t congregate by the john.

It’ll come out eventually. Let’s hope! It will. OMG. What if it doesn’t? What if it stays there forever… Oh geez, It Won’t. 

And I die from lack of potty visits … won’t happen. 

And then I’m just a bloated body of bumkiss.

Without a hippopotamus.

Or gloves.
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*The Complete Cookie is actually a good brand; it seems though my body hates it… for now. Will revisit this subject at a later date. I’m all for trying things twice!

**Thank you to our sponsors 7for All Mankind, Simpli Home