baking, Exercise, humor, self-help, Uncategorized

The Complete Cookie Crisis

I think I’m going to invent gloves that heat up because they know you’re freezing your tucks off! Uhhh…  Okay, before you moan, because I live in California and NOT in -4 degrees Ohio weather anymore; I gotta say, it still gets chilly here. I know. No one would’ve ever guess that 30 degrees in California would be:

A) Cold, and B) 30 degrees even happens; but it does. And I have frostbite. No you don’t.

Well, regardless,  I need someone to invent aforementioned gloves to warm me up. Or a parka. Or a hippopotamus… to snuggle. What?

I know, blah blah, cold hands make a warm heart. And it’s true, I’m pretty… amazingly… a warm person overall… Oh wow. I know. It sometimes makes me speechless too.  It’s mind-boggling.7 For All Mankind, a division of DG Premium Brands, LLC *smiles and crosses arms in confidence

FYI: go get some gloves lady! They’re on sale ——> and EVERYONE loves a sale.

Oo! I do! I do!

On a completely other note, I have NOT been able to hit the potty for two days and am horrifically dealing with a painful, and gassyous issue.

Oh no… don’t. Please don’t talk about…

I have to talk about it. Bowels. *slaps forehead

Oh dear.

IMG_5194.jpgI have been doing yoga poses. There she goes. Massaging my tummy. Stop it. There are actual knots! Laying around like some slovenly contortionist. Mental image now, thanks. Trust me it does NOT look pretty. Mind’s eye – burned. Sitting in “child’s pose” with my hind quarters in the air… in the hopes those air bubbles work their way to the top.. Ha! Do they?

No!  …And NOTHING seems to be working.

Have you tried coffee? Yup.

Laxatives? Uh-huh.

Water! Not Even Water. Enter dramatics here. Oh woe as me.. I have TRIED it all! teddy-teddy-bear-association-ill-42230.jpeg

And to no avail…. *sigh- To no avail.

I gotta ask, regrettably, how did this happen?

Lenny  &  Larry.  Who? Not who. What. From hell.

Cookies from hell. Oh let me catch you up… the Lenny & Larry’s Organic, protein, fiber, gluten free, soy free, dairy free, poop free blah blah blah….

Oh yeah, if you want to get constipated, give these a try! Maybe you ate too much?

Photo Jan 18, 7 58 25 AM.jpgONE freaking cookie! IT wasn’t until day two of eating this thing that I read the serving size is only 1/2 a cookie. *enter frustration. Had I known that, I wouldn’t have eaten– Ha! You ate a whole one. Two days in a row! *insert roaring laughter here

Yes.. and this reminds me of the time I was coerced into trying to drink a huge glass chocolate mint flavored egg whites. That didn’t end well either.

But fiber is supposed to help you…. “along.” Not only do these treats include your dietary protein but the fiber is a plus too.

You’d be correct except for one thing; fiber also expands and if you have enough of it, Photo Jan 18, 7 55 13 AM.jpgwith liquid (doesn’t matter what kind of liquid) it will expand like those tiny expanding toys that expand when you dunk them into a bowl of water and they grow to the size of your hand. Or larger. But instead of in a bowl of water it happens inside your body. And it sucks. Because, yup! You guessed it, you can’t congregate by the john.

It’ll come out eventually. Let’s hope! It will. OMG. What if it doesn’t? What if it stays there forever… Oh geez, It Won’t. 

And I die from lack of potty visits … won’t happen. 

And then I’m just a bloated body of bumkiss.

Without a hippopotamus.

Or gloves.
Simpli-Home.com
*The Complete Cookie is actually a good brand; it seems though my body hates it… for now. Will revisit this subject at a later date. I’m all for trying things twice!

**Thank you to our sponsors 7for All Mankind, Simpli Home

arts and crafts, Exercise, healthy and beauty, humor, self-help

Boob Sweat Bruising

I know. The title is definitely attention grabbing.But, it’s not what you think…

Or, maybe it is.

I mean, if it means you’re into such a phenomenon. Never heard of it, sassy. Or this has happened to you. Nope. Never. Or maybe you’re intrigued but want to know more. Now, I don’t know how to explain such a title… except to start from the beginning.

It’s now the holiday season and I’ve got workout fever. I’m hitting the gym every day, all

pexels-photo-704149
…and 1, munch. …and 2, crunch. …and 3, eat cupcake trees

while trying to juggle my business, my blog, vlog and publishing responsibilities with my book – oh! – and yeah, doing that PR thing for my book too. Exhausting! Anyhoo… After an intense; but, killer workout yesterday… (Upper body, cardio, and ab work, in case you were wondering.)  Nope. We weren’t… 

I’m in the shower and I’m slathering up and what do I see when I look down? No, not a unicorn. That would be weird. I see, what looks like a stain on thehands-purple-child-holding.jpg inside of my boobs, and when I pull them apart it’s discolored just like a bruise. That’s still weird though.

Wait, why are you pulling apart your boobs in the shower?

I wish I had the unicorn. Or baby powdered glitter. Let me see if I can get a picture of this damn thing for you guys…. please hold… *insert elevator style hold music here…. Well, dammit, I can’t get the picture to focus… heyyyy, wait a minute! What the hell is —

Okay, now that I’m trying to get a picture, and I’m looking at the pic, (it’s not a bruise, is it?) it sort of seems like…. (not a bruise?) it’s… not (go on, say it)… so much of a bruise. (I knew it.) But, rather more so…. *hee hee… a little embarrassed here. Really? No. Not really.

A giraffe’s hairball. No.

A fortune cookie. No. With a message inside… Um, no.

It was self tanner. (Of course it was.)

I told you. Yes, I’m afraid that it was -*sigh- self tanner, that hasn’t been washed off. Told you it wasn’t ‘a bruise. Which is weird –this whole conversation is weird – because I am quite sure I’ve showered at least once in the last week. Lying. Just kidding. Most likely a few times; still lying, but, regardless, it’s like…did I miss a spot? Uh, clearly, yes.  Serious though, the next stage of my plan had me thinking I needed to take an emergency visit to the webMD or something.

Oh, sweet Jesus. *slaps forehead

Alas, all is well in the universe… And it’s wasn’t a bruise at all… um, no.

OF course it wasn’t. 

So, now that I’m still alive from my near death boob bruising, I found some time in my pexels-photo-58457.jpegrecovery to tackle one of my favorite arts and crafts projects. Arm Knitting!

What. Yeah, arm knitting! I survived a unicorn attack, boob sweat and it was NOW time to start checking off that bucket list!

You can learn how to arm knit too! Just watch this week’s episode on my YouTube Channel below…. and you won’t need to justify living life to the fullest with a message on your t-shirt telling us how you survived a killer goldfish that jumped right out of the bowl and onto your eye. Although, I’d pay to see that…. I’d definitely pay to see that.

 

*all jokes folks. all jokes. As always, enjoy a life full of living to the fullest, with lots of love and most importantly the gift of laughter. And wear a tutu. It’s everyone’s favorite. *wink

Exercise, humor, self-help, Uncategorized

Diet Dumb Down

cat-74134.jpegOnce in a while, I peruse online videos –like cat videos – no -and wonder about learning something new. About a new diet phenom. Sometimes I do learn about a new weight loss challenge. Do cats go on diets? Quiet, you. Most times I don’t learn anything. Darn it.  Most of it is just nonsense because the reality is that we all know to eat our veggies and just get off our butts and workout. Sing it, sister! That’s it. And, forget about the cat being on a diet. You don’t need an uprising. Anyway… I had realized at the beginning of this year, I had gained a little weight and was NOT happy about it.

Wah! I want to hold a cat now!  You can’t… you’re allergic. 

So, I started getting back on track. Yay! I was working out and eating right but it just wasn’t bringing the weight down to my desired goal. What goal was that? Stealing the neighbor’s feline, and hitting a treadmill? Maybe. And then I found intermittent fasting. And a cat with a headband who was ready to rock. Which was great to stumble upon; (IF, not the exercise kitty) but not so great to watch and read millions of content that was literally making me dizzy with confusion and annoyance.

Like this, *ah *ah *achoooooo, cat allergy… here, hold this fluffy thing for me so I can explain without going into anaphylactic shock.pexels-photo-384555

While I care about facts and results, I care much more deeply on acquiring this information quickly, with ease and bullet pointed. I don’t want pages and pages of crap, garbling up my existence.

Garbles of crap. Existence being garbled…  standby.

Now, this isn’t to say I don’t enjoy a good romance novel here -which are some times long, with garbles of pages to read (unlike my romance novella series, which is great, you should read it. Just saying… )

Shameless plug much? Hush. Go find a meow-meow or something. Focus.

But I most definitely don’t want my “how-to do somethings” and “hey, what’s new that I want to learns” thwarted into my pea-brain all willy nilly. Most of the time, out of everything we read and watch, we can bet that less than 20% of what was just shoved down your throat was the heart… of the three hours you wasted on whatever the heck it was you were trying to learn. Case in point. History Channel. Spends an hour going in and out of commercials, repeating the same things over and over… and you learn only a few things at the beginning, once in the middle and the main thing at the end you were waiting for… or became disappointed by.

Was that your version of a statistical fact? Um, yeah, I guess so. Oh, geez… 

Well, yeah, I could’ve walked my giraffe in her tutu that she’s been bugging me to wear!

That being said. After weeks and months of researching and clouding my monkey brain with information on the subject, I decided to simplify it. No one else should have to work as hard as I did to find out what they want to know! I know, I was sent from heaven. An angel of sorts. Here the soft sounds of music above my halo?

I just feel we are in the age of over-information, over-stimulation, and the “I’m over-everything-ation.” Could just be you, darling. Yes, that could be correct. Wouldn’t be the first time. Nope. images

Too much! Circling back, here’s my simplified version, sans a Frito-eating purring puffball,  on the subject of IF. Or intermittent fasting – for those who aren’t up on the diet fad’s lingo.

Oh, and I left my wings and harp at home, sorry guys!

Enjoy!