Category: relationships

happy mother's day, humor, mother's day, mother's day blogs, relationships, self-help, technology

Lot Lizard Momma

Rita Slanina

I feel I needed to expand upon the hilarity that is my mother’s truck stoppery.pexels-photo-981588

Last night, mom called me while she was still driving across country.

She’s on her world tour.

Anyway, she was having trouble trying to find a rest stop.

Yeah, she was still using that shitty GPS Machine Lady. And for all intents and purposes, her relationship with that location unit is the equivalent to my hate/hate relationship with Siri. Maybe hate is too strong a word. Loathing? No, leave it at hate. Hate is good.

We have an understanding. Let’s just leave it at that.                    

Back to mom.

Along the way, she stopped at a rest stop for gas, some food, let her dogs out to do their                doggy duty. Where she was hit on by a burly man…accompanied by a wife and kids in a rusty wagon. Not sure what that was about. But, I couldn’t stop giggling. So wrong. I know. Totally wrong. But you can imagine the plethora of questions that pop up in that situation! And the laughter. Way too much laughter.  I told mom just to quickly hop back into her truck because I don’t need to watch the ID channel to discover the mangled, murdered woman depicted in the show – after she visits a dark and scary place -matches her description.

One more stop for the night.  A truck stop for gas/food, more dog duty… and a lonely trucker mistook her for a truck stop prostitute. She hustled back to her car faster, waving and hollering, “Not your lot lizard here, dude!!” Aw, mom, he just wanted some affection. 

Again, I couldn’t contain my laughter.

healthy-person-woman-sport.jpgMoral of the story? Theres a moral here? No booty shorts when traveling abroad. What? Make sure you’re wearing some sturdy running shoes.

Oh! And grab a can of police-grade mace.

You just never know.

 

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Exercise, humor, relationships, self-help

Topless Mankini Season

Rita Slanina
images-1.jpeg
mashable.com

For those of you who have never heard of men rocking mankini’s (and onesies)…

It’s an actual thing. No. Yes! I didn’t believe it myself until I saw photos. And heard about it on television. People still watch tv? Which is why I don’t watch television; if I can avoid it anyway. A fashion segment aimed at convincing the public  that this is an acceptable way of dress for  a man -anywhere – is just absurd. SIDEBAR: I dated a guy once who looked SEXY AF in a speedo though.

No. You. Didn’t.

I DID:  date a guy that looked yummy in a speedo.shopping.jpeg

I DID NOT – think I would ever feel that way about speedos.

I know! Surprised me too! But I’m pretty sure we can blame my filthy mind for that one. Oh geez. Judge me all you want; but until you are face to face with that tightly fitted garment…  at eye level? Game changer.

What? Nevermind. 

OmahaSteaks.com, Inc.

Which got me to thinking… please stop with the thoughts.

Not stopping.

Of…. course you aren’t.

Would it change my mind if I dated a man who went full mankini? It really shouldn’t. Or onesie? Definitely shouldn’t. Maybe perusing the beach and checking out the mankini stock in season?

Don’t. Peruse. 

I’m going to let that just be a thot-thot. Good plan. Like a flitting thot. Really good plan. I haven’t quite lost my mind that much yet. Well… up for debate. But, stick to the plan anyway… 

Men, please…. I beg of you…. don’t be the victim of the “mankini.”

It’s not cute. How about a onesie? 

Oh, please God, no.

Lung health / breathing support

Granted,  as a huge fan of the manlier version of men, I am biased. Big, strong, tall, rough around the edges with a gooey heart-shaped center…. and impeccable hygiene.  So a man in a onesie, or a mankini is just not going to do anything for me. Except, have me on the floor laughing. With all respect lost for you. However, I have thought up some suggestions for when an exception is probable.

EXCEPTIONS EXAMINER:

  • Halloween

    images
    “They made me,” he said, cringing.
  • Christmas/Holiday photo your girlfriend or wife encroached upon you
  • Naughty time with wife/gf, behind closed doors
  • A school play your kid signed you up for and you literally have no other options because NOT doing the damn thing could potentially destroy your kid’s whole life.

So, I propose the topless mankini. The aforementioned speedo? Not exactly.. but, yes, I could live with that. Understandably, not everyone can necessarily vibe the speedo exhibition. But, for the sake of this post, I’ve found a middle of the road solution and offering up Exhibit A below:

Wait. Those are just shorts. 

Yup. Good eye, detectives.

It’s non-threatening. No banana-hammocks of fright. No one-eyed willies to spy out their mankini eye. A safe bet to keep you from scaring away the ladies… and you can go from the sand to the bar with the addition of a polo shirt and BAM! You, my sexy male friends, are  evening ready!

So, guys, let’s make a deal. You rock a topless, mankini and us girls will stick to the glory

IMG_0146.jpg
my superhero onesie

of onesies (and bikinis) !

 

It’s only fair.

 

And it’s far less creepy.

 

 

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humor, relationships, self-help

Rita’s Dump

Rita Slanina
OmahaSteaks.com, Inc.
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A friend said to me, what happens to all the guys who get cut from your team?

I said, ha! I don’t know.. but I’m sure there out there somewhere there’s a support group with my name on it!

 

Cue examples of whimpering gents:

“Rita just left me. And when I asked her why? She just said, I was fired.”IMG_7044.jpg

“She said she liked my representative better than who I really was.”

“She didn’t like that while she slept, I would whisper words of death in her ear. ”

“Rita wasn’t a fan of my angel dusting and/or incessant boozing.”

“So… it wasn’t okay that I reached out to an ex-mistress AND had secret conversations. She didn’t like that. So, she fired me too.”

Regardless of the endless reasons, I know I deserve better than the schmucks I’ve dated – or married – in the past. Ugh. What a sad state of affairs that looks like when I look back at it. *shudders It makes me wonder if poor Jennifer Aniston is just misunderstood and has as much bad luck as I do with men.

*shrugs

My agony. Your content-driven entertainment.

Maybe Audrey Hepburn was right when she said you cannot successfully have a career and a family. You really do have to choose just one. Hmmm… Although, on the other hand, I did give up my career for the last dope and that relationship blew up in my face too. So.. maybe she didn’t have it right either. Blah. Adulting.

Circling back. So, we fashionably coined the support group, Rita’s Dump. Ha! Awesome. It’s a fantastical place where all my exes go to whine about me, wish for me back, wonder where it all went wrong and really.. just lean on each other and boohoo to the moon.

DISCLAIMER: Don’t get me wrong, I think men are totally allowed to shed tears when it’s appropriate. 

While we had a great time brainstorming this fun and entertaining idea of The Dump. It turns out we came up with something much bigger than a laugh at a few sad sacs.

And believe me when I say, I laughed so freaking hard when my friend came up with this name for all of the douchebags I have encountered, I peed my pants. How fitting! I wished I would have FB Live the event! A

nd frankly… one should hope NOT to end up in Rita’s Dump!

IMG_7062.jpgSo, for all my friends, family and fans,

it sounds like a podcast channel

is to be had.

 

 

Hmmm… what shall we call it? Rita’s Dump?

And for all my exes who feel slighted.

Happy commingling… in the dump!