humor, relationships, self-help

A Bouquet & A Cough

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It’s influenza. i’m sure of it.

OMG. I’m dying. No you’re not. Okay, i’m not dying; but, I am coming down with a sinus/head cold…

Seriously, I imagine it was the consequences of all my running around outside for two days -dressed cute as hell, by the way- that had something to do with it. Or, maybe you weren’t wearing enough clothes in the rainy weather. Maybe? Hmmm… Always, likely.

This is an issue that goes way back though. When my father would holler at me to “Put some damn clothes on!”

I have never been a fan of wearing a lot of those apparel-type garments. Just said the same thing twice. Oh yes, I did. Because I loathe wearing them twice as much. Put on a shirt. Attire, that is. And some pants. And I just wanted that to be clear. Uh, thanks. We already know. The less I can get away with wearing, the happier this broad is… I’m sure management is having a coronary reading this.

And that is why you have influenza.pexels-photo-748780

Achoo!

Sidebar:  “Aunt Flo” and has appeared to have graced me with her presence also. Conveniently. I’m certain Siri – whom hates me – must’ve sent out the memo.

Let’s get her!

Bishes be in cahoots.

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Okay, she appears once a month. I, technically, was expecting her non-rsvp butt. Stop whining. Get off my case.  Never. I want to complain. Girls, you feel me though. Hush. Fine. Moving on.

Hectic weekend here. My bestie, my sis, she got married to the man of her dreams. Beautiful ceremony! Many blessings to my fam!!

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And the real fun news… this heffa’ right here?

*points at self, super excited… with emphasis

Caught the bouquet! Woop!IMG_5252

Oh no. Oh yes! MOO!

Not sure how it’s going to play out but I’m willing to put some wings and prayers on that ish. Cross your fingers! And toes.

So I got to thinking. Is there an appropriate way to handle this bouquet catching thing? No clue. I need to know …so my picker gets off on the right foot! As opposed to your left foot?

Who knows. Maybe I should investigate. Maybe you should. Please hold, while I google. Holding. My handy-dandy Book of Manners is in storage; otherwise, I’d dig that tried and true manual out for the ages and begin my study.

*jeopardy music playing in the background
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Okay, Im back. So, Fun Fact:  The man who caught the garter is supposed to ‘seal the deal’ by putting the garter on the gal who caught the bouquet. Well, that’s not going to work. Garter guy is awesome; but he’s gay. So, I’m pretty sure we’ll never make it.

Time to make new rules, Miss Manners!

All I know is, we gotta do something. I can’t marry the gay guy and he surely doesn’t want to marry me either. We both like the steak, not the fish.

pexels-photo-690598Something to ponder. So, how did I get that bouquet you ask? No one asked. This gentle, sweet girl? You’re going to tell us anyway.  

Yes, I played good defense. But, the girl closest to being a contender, was all in my earring space and if she pushed her luck any further would’ve had a shanking coming. A shanking? Okay fine, a knuckle sandwich. But come on, she tried to take my ear out.

And I couldn’t let that happen.

*wink

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CONFIRMATION:  I’m confined to my sick bay today.

But at least I can fawn all over my beautiful bouquet and dream about a wedding, far far away… on the white sandy beaches of Fiji.pexels-photo-169192

Naked.

Oh shoot. I still have to wait for a groom.

Dammit.

We’ll have to sort out the details of the headless groom from this dream later.

*curtsy

**DISCLAIMER: All jokes, no headless grooms of yet to dream of, and the sneezing is literally trying too kill me!

***Special Thanks: Splendid, OneTravel, & 7 for all mankind

humor, relationships, self-help

Soulmate Sucker Punch

Back to the single life, bishes!

Do I look back and wonder what he’s doing?divorce-separation-marriage-breakup-split-39483.jpeg

Meh. Not really

Plus, my gut instincts tell me that I already know… Glug. Glug. Snort.

So, let’s get authentic. Mount up! And address the breakup. Fuck that guy! It’s time to laugh and move on. Bye Felicia! And maybe help others who are going through the same thing. Perks!

Get lost, sucker!!

So…. “My man-fo-life picker was apparently…. still… “off.”

*Sigh… freakin’ dammit.

Why did I wait so long to address this?  Last three months in tears?  Well, yes that. But, no it’s simple. I wanted to make sure that chapter was closed for good.

I cried. Aw. I recovered. Yay. I made sense of it all. Super yay! And once I realized that true love was only one-sided and accepted the painful truth… I was now able to move on.

Zero tolerance for dunce-ry.

Doing the right thing is ALWAYS the right thing.

like, For example Don’t call my storage unit pretending to be me in an attempt to figure out where I have escaped you. Actually happened? Yup. Crazy much? Yes, totally. Yikes. Control issues. Ya think. I have a copy of that incoming call log and proof  such a wacky thing occurred. Wait. What? Yep, pay attention. I ALWAYS get the truth, handed to me, right in my lap. It’s the karma of doing the right thing.

Can you believe I still had “hope” that MAYBE he’d address his issues and REALLY was my soulmate? and that my leaving was a wakeup call for him?! It wasn’t. No, it wasn’t at all.

What a waste of my time, my energy and my love. I served him like a woman should, never said no and kept a clean house. Yup, no shame in getting on my hands and knees for more than a good time, here!

The truth? I am Everything a man can ever want or need from a woman. Plus, what

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man would be opposed to a woman who loves to run around the house naked. And play games that involve two of you, running around the adobe, naked.

No shortage of confidence -or facts – here. 

Nope. None. Why? Because I KNOW what I bring to the table and I am cognizant of my actions in a relationship. Like, when I cleaned up the vomit messes and pretended all was fine when I’d exit the house? Oh I had to do that. No, I didn’t have to do anything to protect you; but I did… because I’m an awesome bitch!

The reality? There is NOTHING you can ever BE for a person, if that douche is self-destructing because they can’t handle anything good in their life successfully… I NEVER mention names here and the only moron dumb enough to out himself would be the moron dumb enough to… well? Out himself. Exactly. 

BUT! It is better to have loved and lost than to not love at all I say. In the end, dude’s behavior was so manic, and not in line with our unity, “our” goals, “our” vision…

And to me? Actions speak louder than words. For example: Saying, “I love you; but I’m  talking shit about you to others, staying drunk/high for 23 out of 24 hours a day, calling up an ex-mistress who was used prior to break up a marriage… OH! and on top of it all, lying to you about what I’m doing behind your back thinking your dumb enough not to see it?”

Schreeeeeech!! Um, NO.

In my opinion, your soulmate gets you. Truth. Stays connected with you. For real. Builds a life with you. Preach. And doesn’t constantly hurt you and your family. BOOM BISHES. And frankly, in the past,  I would have happily fought for that dysfunction to the death…

…with the wrong dope.

But now?

Helllll No!!

I seriously don’t have time to teach a d-bag how to be a good person. Say what you mean pexels-photo-288621.jpegand mean what you say. Oh yeah, and don’t be addicted to drugs and alcohol. Because now you’re dealing with a whole other animal and that animal just doesn’t care that it’s pissing on you every night, on your brand new mattress. I’m old school. I don’t like getting peed on in bed. On a nightly basis.

Just saying.

7 For All Mankind, a division of DG Premium Brands, LLCI deserve the best because I offer the best. Damn pissy! We grow up, we narrow our focus to what we want – and don’t want – in relationships and with ourselves. Grow old with you with in a healthy union? Oh gee golly! Didn’t think that was asking too much.

Sometimes, people just have problems and they won’t tell you them. Then those problems show up with a vengeance later when you least expect it!

Like a giraffe on roller skates, at a bowling alley.

I was heartbroken over that relationship; but I will get over it. *singing I’m a survivor, I’m not gon give up, I will survive, keep on surviving….

I believed at the time- without exaggeration – that schmuck was the love of my life. I am getting over it now, finally. Sucker punches are no fun. I was loyal, honest and faithful …even after I left him.

Uhh…whyyyy.

I’m a big believer of taking care of yourself – and your emotions – before venturing out and looking for new dick. I took the emotional abuse in that relationship like a grown ass woman, while attempted to talk, work it out, and even try reasoning with the dude -nothing worked, nor would it have when your dealing with a person – who has an addiction – and is making bad choices regularly -and when I reached my breaking point… I bounced.  Good for you, girl!

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What a shame. That dude had so much potential for greatness too. Moral of the story… put up with NO abuse!!! It doesn’t have to be physical to be abusive. Tackling problems together is FAR DIFFERENT than carrying a 300lb gorilla out of a powdered, adderall-induced, coma bathtub because he almost drowned… again.

We all have weaknesses and mine just might be that I believe there is a Prince Charming out there who’s my soulmate and will find his way to me.

*humming, when you wish upon a star… pexels-photo-573298.jpeg

But, until I find that unicorn, I’ve got my tear-stained, tiara all shined up… and my glass slippers ready to go!

Oh, and for future reference…that list of pros and cons I will carry in my purse on every date, hence forth.

Lip gloss dabbed, deuces!

humor, relationships, self-help

The F*** Valentine’s Day Day

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HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY EVERY ONE! HAPPY F*** VALENTINE’S DAY DAY!

Huh?

Happy Singles Celebration Day! Stop it. Happy Love Yourself Day! Don’t.

HAPPY GALENTINES DAY! *sigh

Oh.. AND A HAPPY ASH WEDNESDAY!  

Right.

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So, this year on love’s special day there is this whole F*** Valentine’s Day Day thing I have been hearing about. So I figured… why not.  It would be the PERFECT day to get all dressed up, go out with one of my friends and head out on the town on a non-date, non-valentine’s day, f*** valentine’s day day … date? What the hell.

IMG_5590.jpgMaybe this is more of the Hey! If we hate V-day together, then maybe we will have something in common and become part of the love brigade and then next by next year, cupid’s arrow will strike and we can lose the *F***, and the extra *day and actually celebrate the Valentine’s Day. Come again?

Like normal people. You’re not normal.

In love! There you go romanticizing again… 

Oh gosh darn it! That hopeless romantic in me must be on autopilot. Hold the freakng

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phone.

What?!

This whole anti-valentine’s day thing is funny -at first- but in my opinion, a total crock. Yup. A date is a date no matter how you title it. Even if it’s an anti-date… date. On a F*** Valentine’s Day… Day. Date.

I’m so torn on this whole idea. We can tell.

On the one hand, I LOVE dressing up, going out and enjoying a fabulous meal. On the other hand, wouldn’t that just mean I’m that I’m much closer to getting back on that dating scene again? Giving this “love” thing another try? Ugh. I know. I’m exhausted already just thinking about it. Seriously, just pass along the dehydrated strawberries, some organic champagne and the remote to the Hallmark Channel. Oh and my slippers.

pexels-photo-269583.jpegOr send a driver because I truly am craving that Misfit burger. Rare. Mooing. By the beach. Solo. Fo real tho.

Excited about dating much? NO. As you can tell, while I’m not so super psyched to get back to dating anytime soon – so many weirdos, so little time – I do LOVE… LOVE. And by golly! I totally LOVE ME!

By golly?

So, I’m opting for celebrating the Happy Galentines version of the holiday this year. In

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camo pants, booties and a ponytail. Interesting “Tomb Raider” choice. Yuppers. And until this magical day of hearts and candy passes, stand by. Ooo, candy. Those dating adventures are looming and I feel it in the air that it will most definitely be entertaining.

Yes!

Saddle up my pegacorn bitches and let’s ride!

HAPPY GALENTINES DAY EVERYONE!

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