humor, relationships, self-help

Warp Speed Wang Chung

There’s something to be said about being newly single again.

Let’s be real. I’ve got my middle fingers up to getting back into the dating scene. So NOT pexels-photo-908686thrilled about it and frankly, I just don’t have the time for it anyway. Can’t Prince Charming just… oh, I don’t know… show up on his freakin’ horse and buggy already. Save me some time and headaches.  Oooo! Move to Amish country and you’ll get the horses and buggies.

Wow.

Here’s my Pros & Cons list. Here’s my ‘All About Me’ section. Now. Go.

pexels-photo-209620.jpegMy approach is very realistic and thought-out. Please fill out the application. Let’s keep it in perspective. And this page for the background check. Let’s face it… The last time I thought I found “the one” it didn’t work out so well. And sign, here, here… oh, and here. 

You can’t woo me with a hostile takeover. Or alcohol. Slow and steady wins the race. Remember the Tortoise and the Hare.  Warp speed. Abort. Abort. No wang chung. Womp. Womp. 

Sometimes, no truly does mean NO. And by continuing to pursue her, after she’s told you to slow yo roll,  you’re just pushing her far, far away, anyway. TO a far, far away land. And ladies if a man is pressuring you and not letting things happen organically and at it’s own pace, he’s probably got a cactus hiding somewhere. And nobody wants to sit on that.

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Grab your Marc Jacobs’ backpacks, girls and get hiking up that sidewalk grocery! It’s time to go find your wang chung with a better prepared, better mannered, and likely, a better looking Prince! Yahoo! 

Clean up in aisle 6!IMG_9848

There are anomalies; but we’re not talking about those. That’s not how love USUALLY works. I’ll put in mass amounts of work with someone. No peacocking necessary.  So, fluffing your feathers to hide your damaging fuckery that you will eventually bestow upon one unsuspecting great Betty is likely a terrible idea. Boo! Just…. don’t. 

SIDENOTE: Want to become a better people? Have some self-awareness.

SO, check it, lesson learned.

The 5 Dating Douche Scripts:

LESSON #1: WARP SPEED. NO, NO. Heap of trouble. Don’t do it. It usually means they are hiding something and next thing you know you’re married to a psychotic killer. Or a closet donut hoarder. Or something. Who knows. But, slow it down to make sure they are sane enough and deserving enough of you. No matter how tempting his muscles are.

pexels-photo-63775.jpegLESSON #2: HANDBAG STATUS: CLOSED.  Say things like, you can take care of me after X-Y-Z, or what are your book sales exactly, etc… Ahem, excuse you? I don’t take care of  men financially. I’m old school. You got me mixed up with those misguided broads over there. Skip to my lou from these scoundrels.

LESSON #3: ESCAPE ROUTE PREP.  Buying you slippers – and a robe-oh! and renting a hotel room IS NOT…. But, baby, I did this all for you! – It’s not for you. It’s for them. Men think with their, uh, well, you know. At pretty much all times. Accept it. Now, he’s backpedaling into a corner giving you the feel guilty “but, I bought you stuff….” on  that miserable attempt to try and get you to show your boobies. Push that down button on the elevator and don’t look back. Sorry, guys. These types are smearing your good guys’ names!

LESSON #4: INVESTIGATE THIS, BITCH. They bring in ‘their friend” to “check” you outmusician-rockstar-band-music-37862 and have you “investigated.” You know, to “make sure” you’re the one that’s not crazy. RUN. But, I just gotta know who you are. Uh, kick rocks, pal. The reality is, if they are doing this to you, it is AGAIN, a telltale sign that they- themselves- are hiding stuff. Classic fear tactic. Scaring you garners control over you. So they think. And it’s all a mind-fuck. Don’t buy into it. Head for the hills on a zebra. And throw a pinecone on your way out.

LESSON #5: MOVING IN YESTERDAY. Attempting to convince you, that getting an apartment together, after knowing you for the length of a frappe. Are you high? Did you smoke weed in the bathroom? Are you loco? Did you bump your head? Again… RED FLAG. Seriously, dumbest thing I’ve actually heard. I need a light saber.

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Zero tolerance for bulls**t allows us to smell it quicker than you think it did. Aw, look out for that pile of doo-doo! And, its likely your so confused in your own egomaniac, sociopathic dreamland that you manipulate these stories to your friends so they believe it was the female with the problem. She gave me mixed signals. No, she didn’t want a boyfriend. She accepted my gifts. She sure as fuck did. She was a bitch. She told him NO. On several occasions.

THE TAKEAWAY: Have some manners. Behave respectfully.  Take a dating etiquette class!

Ah! Rant over. I feel much better.

DISCLAIMER: I’m a traditional girl when it comes to dating and

dsc_0160-2724677807-1521034458356.jpgrelationships and those rules just don’t bode well in our current society. And I say…  IT’s HOGWASH.

I’m pretty laid back. But I won’t just lay on my back

Especially if i just met you during this five minute commercial break.

Don’b be a Mr. Hippity-Hop.

On that note… EVERYBODY WANG CHUNG TONIGHT!

 

 

*Special Thanks to our sponsors kidrobot, onetravel

**If you read this blog daily you know, that what you see is what you get with me. You no likey, you NO have to read! Have a great day! Much love friends!! 

***And if you’re an egomaniac, do not call me asking if this is about YOU. It’s NOT but you’ll think it is anyway

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