humor, relationships, self-help

A Bouquet & A Cough

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It’s influenza. i’m sure of it.

OMG. I’m dying. No you’re not. Okay, i’m not dying; but, I am coming down with a sinus/head cold…

Seriously, I imagine it was the consequences of all my running around outside for two days -dressed cute as hell, by the way- that had something to do with it. Or, maybe you weren’t wearing enough clothes in the rainy weather. Maybe? Hmmm… Always, likely.

This is an issue that goes way back though. When my father would holler at me to “Put some damn clothes on!”

I have never been a fan of wearing a lot of those apparel-type garments. Just said the same thing twice. Oh yes, I did. Because I loathe wearing them twice as much. Put on a shirt. Attire, that is. And some pants. And I just wanted that to be clear. Uh, thanks. We already know. The less I can get away with wearing, the happier this broad is… I’m sure management is having a coronary reading this.

And that is why you have influenza.pexels-photo-748780

Achoo!

Sidebar:  “Aunt Flo” and has appeared to have graced me with her presence also. Conveniently. I’m certain Siri – whom hates me – must’ve sent out the memo.

Let’s get her!

Bishes be in cahoots.

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Okay, she appears once a month. I, technically, was expecting her non-rsvp butt. Stop whining. Get off my case.  Never. I want to complain. Girls, you feel me though. Hush. Fine. Moving on.

Hectic weekend here. My bestie, my sis, she got married to the man of her dreams. Beautiful ceremony! Many blessings to my fam!!

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And the real fun news… this heffa’ right here?

*points at self, super excited… with emphasis

Caught the bouquet! Woop!IMG_5252

Oh no. Oh yes! MOO!

Not sure how it’s going to play out but I’m willing to put some wings and prayers on that ish. Cross your fingers! And toes.

So I got to thinking. Is there an appropriate way to handle this bouquet catching thing? No clue. I need to know …so my picker gets off on the right foot! As opposed to your left foot?

Who knows. Maybe I should investigate. Maybe you should. Please hold, while I google. Holding. My handy-dandy Book of Manners is in storage; otherwise, I’d dig that tried and true manual out for the ages and begin my study.

*jeopardy music playing in the background
Splendid
Okay, Im back. So, Fun Fact:  The man who caught the garter is supposed to ‘seal the deal’ by putting the garter on the gal who caught the bouquet. Well, that’s not going to work. Garter guy is awesome; but he’s gay. So, I’m pretty sure we’ll never make it.

Time to make new rules, Miss Manners!

All I know is, we gotta do something. I can’t marry the gay guy and he surely doesn’t want to marry me either. We both like the steak, not the fish.

pexels-photo-690598Something to ponder. So, how did I get that bouquet you ask? No one asked. This gentle, sweet girl? You’re going to tell us anyway.  

Yes, I played good defense. But, the girl closest to being a contender, was all in my earring space and if she pushed her luck any further would’ve had a shanking coming. A shanking? Okay fine, a knuckle sandwich. But come on, she tried to take my ear out.

And I couldn’t let that happen.

*wink

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CONFIRMATION:  I’m confined to my sick bay today.

But at least I can fawn all over my beautiful bouquet and dream about a wedding, far far away… on the white sandy beaches of Fiji.pexels-photo-169192

Naked.

Oh shoot. I still have to wait for a groom.

Dammit.

We’ll have to sort out the details of the headless groom from this dream later.

*curtsy

**DISCLAIMER: All jokes, no headless grooms of yet to dream of, and the sneezing is literally trying too kill me!

***Special Thanks: Splendid, OneTravel, & 7 for all mankind

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