humor, self-help

How-To Laugh (When You’re Crying)

IMG_0167This sentiment is a testament to the “fake it til  you make it” crowd. I don’t mean ‘dress for the job you want, not the job you have’ reference. Although, that is a good one; that does fit into this category. Nonetheless, isn’t going to apply here, so toss it from your dome. Bye bye. This is for when you feel like shit and want to hide under a rock with the super size bottle of vino and a Kleenex 3-pack.

The thought occured to me when I was being suffocated, in the depths of my sofa cushions. Did I mention I finally paid it off? The pay-as-you-go couch plan is genius. Anyway, I was having a bad day -which was made worse by some conflicting persons in my circle -not their fault, they’re male- and I realized after twelve hours of uncontrollable sobbing… I needed to just, stop sobbing. Oh, and to stop letting him help. So, I came up with this nifty how-to list to help anyone else out there who’s at their wits end. With everything.

HOW-TO LAUGH (WHEN YOU’RE CRYING)

IN JUST 3 FANCY STEPS 

1. THROW OUT OLD CRAP. The most effective way for me to kick the blues is to just dump old shit that’s -proverbially & sometimes spacially- weighing me down. This means a stack of CDs you’re not listening to–WAIT. Does anyone listen to CDs anymore? Seriously, let it go. Burn it to your iLibrary and toss that plastic. Or sell it at a yard sale to a cat lady stuck in her Chumbawamba concert tee.

2. REARRANGE THE ROOM. Instead of yelling off your balcony at the dumbasses next door to you about their cigarettes and loud music because they’re interrupting your good time crying time… Consider giving your living a space a mini-makeover. Move the nightstand by the dishwasher. Put the saucepan in the closet. You know, go wild. Plus, you can make a game out of this by dragging around your bottle of fermented grapes until you’re disoriented and bumping into Kleenex boxes.

3. LAUGH ALREADY! Get silly. Start arguments with your boyfriends about pickle jars losing their oomph. Pull a prank on your bestie by telling her The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy WAS a great movie. It wasn’t. Press the point that it was nothing like the book and she’ll love it. She won’t love it and the book was better. The movie? Eh. Tell her wearing a prom dress and a tiara will make the experience much more memorable. And to selfie that mess.

IMG_7437

DISCLAIMER: Entertainment value only. But if you throw peas out a window, I’d try that too.

 

 

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humor, mother's day, mother's day blogs, relationships, Uncategorized

The Lost Single Mom’s Club

#paradisefalls #losangeles #fathersday

Leave it to, two single mother’s-on Father’s Day-to get lost in a neighborhood while trying to make a waterfall appear. Oooo look, a yard sale… Are those tote bags only a dollar? I’ll take them all, thanks! Oh, that’s right, we were lost… “Back in the car, you crazy broads!” shouted my sister’s, and my kids. To their mothers. And this was just the beginning of our “special day.” And how was everyone else’s daddy’s day weekend? I like to look at getting lost as more of an adventure… A new place for discovery, as opposed to the “where the hell are we?”

Actually was quite beautiful though

Carrying on. So, we finally get to the hiking spot, some $4.75 and 10 tote bags later, and find our waterfall. It’s tall and it’s beautiful. Ok, it’s tall-ish. And it’s got prissy dog owners all around the edges of it… Wait. What? With their judgement and ankle-biter dogs tied to the staircase we took -to get down to- this dope little spot. Are they trying to not get dirty? Sure looks like it. In a place where there’s dirt? Um, yep. I will never understand certain types of “L.A. people.”  I feel like I’m watching the E40 “Choices” music video unfold with this couple and their cats. I mean, chiuahuas. Why is that man tippie-toeing around squishy, wet marsh? Hello! It’s a waterfall, erm, area-type place… there. There IS water. Weirdos. Who goes to a NATURE hike and tries to AVOID the, fucking NATURE?! Um, they did, Sherlock. Anyway, not us! We go jumping into the watery fun… Well, I define, jumping off the high rocks, loosely. More like, watched OTHERS jump off the rocks into the water. While I sat around and got sunburned. Owie. It’s not like I didn’t want to jump off the rocks. I did. But, eh, I didn’t. In my best E40 voice… Everybody’s got choices. I stick to the rocks, I’m stuck to this bread. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ok, those aren’t the words, but you get it.

Sometimes, responsibility chooses YOU

Moral of the story? Don’t go chasing waterfalls. What? No really, don’t. While not all of us are lucky enough to be in loving and lasting marital situations; We are 1000%  lucky that we are moms and that we are amazing to have our privledge to be moms. Even on Father’s Day when we just want to curse the bastard who couldn’t take responsibility. Stay focused. We had a great time and so did our kids. And dogs. The big one especially. I think he was part duck. I’m sure the pupster would live there if he could. The dog, that is. Not the kid. Well, maybe the kid too. For children who haven’t had the luxury of a man to stick around for them? I’d say-at least our little buckaroos- well… they are turning out to be quite alright. Not all kids from broken homes need to end up on the Maury Show. “You are NOT the father!” Ah, music to my ears. And hopefully, mine won’t either. Is that show still on? Regardless, here’s a huge -albeit belated- Happy Father’s Day to all the single mommies out there! Now, get to Target and buy yourself some cozy slippers dammit! And a good wine to indulge in. The kind of wine that has a convenient spout, and is housed in a large box…

Uncategorized

Bonzai Wine Jump

 So, didn’t know this before; But, apparently, there are wineries in Ohio. Being born here and having gone to school off/on here, you’d think I would have stumbled upon this -at least, serendipitously- at some point. But nah, my grape just grappled with it. Grape grappling… new sport?  Maybe this is the, “at some point,” to which I was referring? Hmmm… food for thought. I like food. And wine. And grapes. And grapes make wine.

First, we roamed into the Debonne Winery. They’re tasting room was closed, but it was still such a beautiful drive through the grapevines.  The wild child in me wanted to scream bonzai from the vehicle as I bounced out into the fuity-fields and run through them. Naked. But my mom said no before I could even get my hand on the door handle. How about, just the bra and underwear? No go. Her exact words were, “Don’t, even think about it.” I still don’t know, how she ALWAYS knows. Crazy mom mind-reader. Maybe I can just ditch the flip-flops? No. Keep everything on your person. Fine… As I deviously dip a naked toe onto the deck, overlooking the harvest scuttlebutt.  Even though the tasting room itself was closed, we were still able to order a couple of flights to taste,so she got the sweet ones and I ordered the dry ones. There were a couple winners in those airborne tasters. So, we grabbed a bottle of her choosing to go. Hey! Wine dealer!  Bottle of silly juice, STAT!
 After driving through Amish country, we finally hit the Firehouse Winery in Geneva. Don’t get too excited girls, I was looking, but didn’t see one hot fireman sans shirt. *sniff sniff Did find one in the rafters though. This was pretty cool winery-ish spot, because there was a big body of water. And wine. Did not see a field of grapes anywhere. But, got wine. So,  I did order a flight and had a salmon burger. Yummy, with wine. Oh, and this time, I dive rolled out of the car toward the lake before my mother could stop me…  But the gravel parking lot did a doosy on my soft and supple epidermis. Dammit. Ok, so not all my ideas are good ones. But, at least I won’t need to exfoliate for a while!