humor

Costco Love, Keurig Loathing

Clearly, my fancy Keurig that I raved about buying almost two years ago has now become the most hated appliance in my home. Boo! I cannot find the pods for this new “advanced” machine anywhere except the Bed, Bath, and Beyond; which has a limited supply, and charges in upwards of $16-$20 per box of 8 pods. That’s right. Count them… E-I-G-H-T. Um, convenience fee much? No thanks.

“Coffee... Without it, I might kill you”So imagine my surprise when I went to my new favorite store, Costco, and saw another version of my Super Keurig which uses the exact same (selling nowhere) pods I need?! Holy shit! Am I excited! So, I run down the coffee pod aisle and what did I find… NOT the fucking pods I need for my Keurig. But you sell the machine. Which they freaking sell in the store. What the hell Costco?!!  I see it, the coffee maker, it’s right there. That if, one were to buy said machine would need pods… that they weren’t selling. It’s like a sick joke. For coffee people. And no, you cannot use the regularly scheduled mass pods currently saturating the market; no, no, thank you Keurig for making the largest paperweight in my kitchen cabinet. Definitely a sick joke you should never play on coffee people. It’s time for an “onion” letter to the Keurig manufacturers. What’s an onion letter, you ask? It’s a (nasty) note with a smile conveying your greivance and simply stating the obvious dissatisfaction. I.e. the coffee maker that makes no coffee because there are no pods to be found for it. Useless coffee maker. I loathe you.

This terrible purchase reminds me of when I was a kid and my dad swore that laser disc was the 412d4-unknownnext best thing. Oh geez. Beta and VHS were going nowhere; laser disc was where it’s at! It wasn’t. We had a cool looking collection on the walls-was it really cool though, really? None of my other friend’s parents had this latest trend… because it sucked. But, alas,  that technological advancement left society quickly. Because nobody cared. Beta tapes lastest longer; if i remember correctly. Then boom. The DVD era came and annhialated all the cluttery collections of bulky movie mess past. Either way, I’m a movie streaming fan and I hate buying crap that I may only watch once. Except Frozen. I’ll still watch that one over and over. I love you Olaf.

Keurig… I’m begging you NOT to be a laser disc mistake! But, if it is then maybe it’s time for a Tassimo…

 

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humor, self-help

How-To Laugh (When You’re Crying)

IMG_0167This sentiment is a testament to the “fake it til  you make it” crowd. I don’t mean ‘dress for the job you want, not the job you have’ reference. Although, that is a good one; that does fit into this category. Nonetheless, isn’t going to apply here, so toss it from your dome. Bye bye. This is for when you feel like shit and want to hide under a rock with the super size bottle of vino and a Kleenex 3-pack.

The thought occured to me when I was being suffocated, in the depths of my sofa cushions. Did I mention I finally paid it off? The pay-as-you-go couch plan is genius. Anyway, I was having a bad day -which was made worse by some conflicting persons in my circle -not their fault, they’re male- and I realized after twelve hours of uncontrollable sobbing… I needed to just, stop sobbing. Oh, and to stop letting him help. So, I came up with this nifty how-to list to help anyone else out there who’s at their wits end. With everything.

HOW-TO LAUGH (WHEN YOU’RE CRYING)

IN JUST 3 FANCY STEPS 

1. THROW OUT OLD CRAP. The most effective way for me to kick the blues is to just dump old shit that’s -proverbially & sometimes spacially- weighing me down. This means a stack of CDs you’re not listening to–WAIT. Does anyone listen to CDs anymore? Seriously, let it go. Burn it to your iLibrary and toss that plastic. Or sell it at a yard sale to a cat lady stuck in her Chumbawamba concert tee.

2. REARRANGE THE ROOM. Instead of yelling off your balcony at the dumbasses next door to you about their cigarettes and loud music because they’re interrupting your good time crying time… Consider giving your living a space a mini-makeover. Move the nightstand by the dishwasher. Put the saucepan in the closet. You know, go wild. Plus, you can make a game out of this by dragging around your bottle of fermented grapes until you’re disoriented and bumping into Kleenex boxes.

3. LAUGH ALREADY! Get silly. Start arguments with your boyfriends about pickle jars losing their oomph. Pull a prank on your bestie by telling her The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy WAS a great movie. It wasn’t. Press the point that it was nothing like the book and she’ll love it. She won’t love it and the book was better. The movie? Eh. Tell her wearing a prom dress and a tiara will make the experience much more memorable. And to selfie that mess.

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DISCLAIMER: Entertainment value only. But if you throw peas out a window, I’d try that too.