humor, relationships, self-help

Caveman Chokehold

Ah, cuddlers. One. Two of you out there. None? Ugh, I’d like to be… Do you hop out of bed at the first sight of a canoodling? This has got to be a trick question. How amped does your anxiety get when your lying down with someone and while he’s snuggling away, while you’re scanning the room for your booties and track suit onesie. Rhetorical. Ok. So, maybe it’s just me.  I’m the forever hopeless -commitment phobe- romantic. Huh. Stay with me. I’ve seen so many failed relationships, bad eggs, and poor role models in this area of life that as I get older, I am realizing that NOBODY can figure this shit out. Bad eggs? Yes, guys who suck. Or smell rotten. Like a bad fart. Keep up. Circling back… Which -so fittingly- why my bff sent me this video; which quirkly, describes me PERFECTLY. It’s hilarious and describes exactly how I act with a dude… even when I totally know I could love the fucker for long time. Yes, I have it in me jerks. Quiet.

It’s funny when you meet the guy of your dreams how scary this relationship territory can be… and I use the phrase “guy of your dreams” loosely. No man is perfect. It be nice… but that’s going to be a lonely road ladies if you’re waiting for that knight in shining armor to ride in. But, what happens when you meet said superman and he totally gets your anxiety, has similar past expereinces with the opposite sex and has a little kink in his action to keep you interested? It’s too easy to just be the girl in that video. It’s much harder to honor your romantic feelings and fucking just go for it. Dammit. Yes girls. You’re screwed. *scans the room again* Well, we’re only four stories up… the jump from that window can’t be too tough. Fuck. I’m totally screwed. I opted to run; but, that didn’t work out either. This mother fucker had ESP or some shit and decided to put me in a chokehold. Yep, like a caveman. All twisted up and contortionist-ed… There was literally NO. WHERE. TO. RUN. FML. My bag I had brought for the weekend was fully packed. Ready for the fast break before sunrise. So there I was, like stretch armstrong, trapped in all his nuzzling glory with no escape. Plan deviated. No booby hatch. No flying the coup. Nothing. Just the rush of an anxiety-filled hottie squishied inside of the most comfortable queen-sized bed -with sweat-proof sheets- one could ever encounter. And here’s the frightening part… he knew it. Sexy bastard.

I’m a pretty open book. We know. Ya’ll get that by now. A little too open. Hush. But still, in dating, it seems, as I’ve been told numerous times… I’m “unreadable.”  What? I love to read! I’m also, supposedly… Unpredictable. I’m not, I’m pretty damn boring. Creature of habit status. But put me in a relationship-worthy circumstance, with a beefy handsome dude that knows how to awaken the beast inside of me? …I’m running for the hills like a band of merry men after a french cow lands squarly on one their “horses.”  Flying vaches over castle walls never gets old. (skip ahead to the 2min mark for your start point on the video;you’ll get it) Any man who can figure out how to get me into submission… KUDOS TO YOU! I’m a tough nut to crack. Apparently. Not really.  I guess all it took was a little bedtime asphyxiation to show me what I wanted… And here I thought all I wanted was a peach-banana smoothie. Next to the trap door. With my weekender.

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humor, relationships, self-help

Secret Pinball Sex Hack

 

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Don’t stop GET IT GET IT

Ah, sex. The carnal desire of which we all think is pointless when we aren’t getting it and yet when we are getting it, boast to the world senseless facts about it to anyone who’s within eye rolling distance. Oh geez… Exactly. Like, did you know, taking to your primal needs keeps you young? Huh? Ageless? Wait, really? Yeah, now you’re listening. And relieves stress? I want stress relief! Me! Me! And holy shit relaxes you so much that you just want sleep for weeks at a time? I want to sleep for a week… *sniff sniff Snoring is a fine activity and should absolutely be considered a sport. In the Olympics.

So fancy my surprise, when someone catches me off guard. I know! Me! Superman-style. Ok, I’m fancying… carry on. He works you like a 18pinball machine in a single bound. Pushes your perverse and jovial buttons. Yes, this post is totally happening. A super Mario Bros pinball machine. Ok, I like video games. And perverted buttons. For Hours and hours… In a single, pound town… of multiple… bounds. Ice packs please! Let me clarify. I have trouble staying… well, focused. No kidding, genius. Hush. So,  facing a man in bed takes a lot more guts than assuming any style of doggy. Or reverse cowgirl. I mean, looking at the dude while trying to get yours? How fucking distracting can that shit be…  seriously, you actually have to look at this person. In the face. OMG. Like, face a person. No. Naked. No, I don’t wanna. While making eye contact. Oh I die at the mere thought…  Kill me. *cough cough Anyone else want to choke up their lunch? Listen… nine times out of ten, I just can’t stand looking at any person enough to, uh, get my happy on. Pay attention for more than five minutes. Or keep down my lunch… *insert A lot of faking it here, with the Super Mario theme music playing in the background. What was I saying? Oh, that’s right… But holy cow! Can’t you just imagine what it be like to give a performance worthy of real goomba thug thumping?! While facing forward?! That’s it. He’s gotta be a fucking super hero. Flag capturing at it’s finest. King Koopa aint got shit on this monster’s can of polka-dotted, piranha plant pipe whoop ass. Who fucking knew it be so… *sigh I guess when the stars all align you truly can achieve an ecstatic venture of a romantic capability. And still eat a burger!

On your mark. Get set. Pimp My Pinball! Photo: Tory Piro
On your mark. Get set. Pimp My Pinball! Photo: Tory Piro

Keep dropping quarters in that snatch to watch the balls drop… figuratively and literally. Or Ovaries. Either way ladies, cutting yourselves short and settling on blah-dick isn’t anything like getting super mario dick that knocks your mushrooms off! I mean, let’s just shoot straight… as long as I’m cross-eyed from not being cross-legged, I’m having a bomb-ass day. And honestly… nobody ever REALLY wants to play with Luigi, right? The lame brother with no purpose; with little brother powers. Only there to allow the add of an extra player into the mix. Minus the eye contact. So, I’ll keep going back to that special world for more… unlocking secret under water, level cheats and I’ll even go as far as to say that, yes, I WILL look that beast square in the eyes.

Fucking wreck it Tiger. *wink

humor, relationships, self-help

PHONE BONE 101

aaa28-img_6377Last night I realized… I am pretty damn good at phone sex. Oh Lord. And why shouldn’t I be? I like to believe I’m exceptional at anything I give a go. And she’s go-ing for it. Aren’t I a literary farceur? Seriously. Couldn’t that extend to a girl’s landline and an exquisite evening of adventure? What the hell. It absolutely can! Yup,  she’s going to run with this today AND there’ll be no stopping this indecent train. Nope. Stay with me.

So I thought, not everyone is good at obscene phone linguistics; of a hot and sexy nature, so I felt the need to give some smutty pointers. I know, I’m a giver. Granted, my pornographic phone buddy was AMAZING. But, there’s no need to divulge any nasty details on that. I know, you want to hear them. I will say this… if personal quests of a bedroom romp were a sport; he’d 100% bring home the SOLID GOLD. *wink I know, now you’re really curious… you lewd fuckers. =P

SEXY PHONE BONE 101 

  1. Set the MOOD. That’s right. Even though you are -technically- home alone with a receiver to your head, and an ultra enticing, man’s voice on the other line to motivate you, there is still an ambience you can create to get you in the zone. Not always. Impromptu cell phone getaways are always wonderful as well; but, for this post, I’m opting for mood-enhancing room feel. Light candles, turn on the Scentsy pot, etc.
  2. Buddy Up. This seems like a no-brainer. Although a little fun with yourself is always a good thing, teaming up with a willing partner can be that much more exciting. Make sure he’s the type to spill out whatever he’s thinking and has a filthy sense of exploration. He should both shcok you with his verbiage choices and illicit you to come up with some dirty circumstances yourself.
  3. Pillow Pop.  You’re knee deep into your pillows, you’ve got a bed bud to keep your focus… so now it’s time to let your hair down and enjoy the ride. Figuratively and literally. Don’t set your alarm clock girls, because once you let out your mouthy words of lust, sleeping in will be your next order of business. I know I’ve had a good time when my pillow feathers pop out of their cases. And even in that “case,” would you really want to stop the feathers from flying? Hell no!

Grab your Penthouse thesaurus and get to pounding the pillows. Leave no goose unplucked. Dial
up your beasty friend and practice your pickle tickling. Besides, loving yourself -whether by yourself or with a sack scintillator in tow- keeps you young and helps you live longer. And I quite like the sound of bumping bunnies for life. I mean, if it keeps you young…. *shrugs

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sometimes it’s good not to know what the hell just happened… *wink