humor, relationships, self-help

The EXponential Kiss Off Rant

I see you crazy pants!
I see you crazy pants!

There are some exes in my Rolodex I don’t mind hearing from… from time to time. Actually, I’m lying. I could care less. And frankly, I’d rather not. I like to think an ex died or simply vanished. Or disintegrated. Disintegration would be a great one. All in favor? Anyway, If I do happen to run into one, I’ll be cordial or -more likely- just pretend I’ve met their unknown twin. We all have someone in the world that holds a resemblence to our likeness. What’s a Rolodex. Nevermind, pay attention. I’ll play dumb when they say hello. Using my name and everything. Oh hello. Gosh, you do look familiar sir; But, alas, I havent a clue to who you are. Have a beatufiul day…. *wink

So then there are exes that stalk my parking garage and circle my building when I have done all I can to cut all ties to that dickhead’s manic hysteria. Let me share with you a recent, exboyfriend-almost-encounter. Holy Stalker Batman!  I had just parked my car and I’m just minding my own business, talking the phone to my mother about… likely, nothing in particular and I get up to my floor level and what do I see out of my cell phone oblivion peripheral?  You’re what? Right. Aforementioned dickhead. Terribly attempting to make his swift escape without being seen… and, what should have been an easy three point turn, naturally, wasn’t.  Because it’s him- the neanderthal screws it up by making some sort of twenty point turn. Let me elaborate. Remember the yellow, holely toy balls, made for babies? You know the ones, they’re round, they have all kinds of shaped holes for you to match and stick the like-shaped blocks into the ball. They’re usually yellow. They are yellow.. with all different kind of shaped holes on the… Ok. You get it, right? Maybe slower adults -like said woodchuck moron- should play with these. Work on his cognitive skillset that he could put forth into the world. I know, helpful suggestions are a positive. I’m a giver.

Maybe watch a few seasons of Burn Notice...
Maybe watch a few seasons of Burn Notice…

I stray… Ok, so I see this stalking parody playing out and not only do I notice him, his crappy driving incompetence, and his lackluster attempt at creeping up on a person. I mean, it was really like watching Wiley Coyote. He was also in his mother’s car. Oh my God. I know. Yup. You know, there are fairly clever shows on television to aid in the many ways one could follow a person undetected. Clearly, this fellow hadn’t watched any of them. And likewise, I’ve come to the conclusion he didn’t factor in that he could roll through my  apartment complex incognito. Keep your day job super sleuth! Neither in his vehicle, nor his mommy’s. There are NO other carros in my domain that look like either of those vehiculos. It was totally him and even if you confronted crazy pants; he’d lie and deny. Dumbass. I should have taken a picture. I mean, I can rock some pretty sick selfies; but, when there’s an AHA! moment happening, I completely drop the ball on relaying these events immediately to social media. Hmmm, I might need to hire an assistant for this… Noted.

Evidently, I have disintegrated you from my life for a reason. Three great reasons, actually. Exes. Are exes. For a reason. There is NO logical explanation whatsoever -unless you share kids with a former spouse- especially when I am in a committed, loving relationship do I need to conjur up your ghost into my new reality. Let’s have a seance. Bye casper. Not so sidebar: If I have had to block your number from calling/texing, block and report you across all my social media for harrasing my pages, and I have basically fallen off the face of your earth? It’s time for you to let this pony go and move on with your life. Hi-Ho Silver, AWAYYYY! Yes, you screwed up. I’m a catch. And I’m pretty freaking fun, funny AND awesome. Yeah, I’m a triple threat. Deal with it. Away from me. By yourself. And for fucks sake, save your gas money and refrain from visiting. Crazy pants.


humor, relationships, self-help

Caveman Chokehold

Ah, cuddlers. One. Two of you out there. None? Ugh, I’d like to be… Do you hop out of bed at the first sight of a canoodling? This has got to be a trick question. How amped does your anxiety get when your lying down with someone and while he’s snuggling away, while you’re scanning the room for your booties and track suit onesie. Rhetorical. Ok. So, maybe it’s just me.  I’m the forever hopeless -commitment phobe- romantic. Huh. Stay with me. I’ve seen so many failed relationships, bad eggs, and poor role models in this area of life that as I get older, I am realizing that NOBODY can figure this shit out. Bad eggs? Yes, guys who suck. Or smell rotten. Like a bad fart. Keep up. Circling back… Which -so fittingly- why my bff sent me this video; which quirkly, describes me PERFECTLY. It’s hilarious and describes exactly how I act with a dude… even when I totally know I could love the fucker for long time. Yes, I have it in me jerks. Quiet.

It’s funny when you meet the guy of your dreams how scary this relationship territory can be… and I use the phrase “guy of your dreams” loosely. No man is perfect. It be nice… but that’s going to be a lonely road ladies if you’re waiting for that knight in shining armor to ride in. But, what happens when you meet said superman and he totally gets your anxiety, has similar past expereinces with the opposite sex and has a little kink in his action to keep you interested? It’s too easy to just be the girl in that video. It’s much harder to honor your romantic feelings and fucking just go for it. Dammit. Yes girls. You’re screwed. *scans the room again* Well, we’re only four stories up… the jump from that window can’t be too tough. Fuck. I’m totally screwed. I opted to run; but, that didn’t work out either. This mother fucker had ESP or some shit and decided to put me in a chokehold. Yep, like a caveman. All twisted up and contortionist-ed… There was literally NO. WHERE. TO. RUN. FML. My bag I had brought for the weekend was fully packed. Ready for the fast break before sunrise. So there I was, like stretch armstrong, trapped in all his nuzzling glory with no escape. Plan deviated. No booby hatch. No flying the coup. Nothing. Just the rush of an anxiety-filled hottie squishied inside of the most comfortable queen-sized bed -with sweat-proof sheets- one could ever encounter. And here’s the frightening part… he knew it. Sexy bastard.

I’m a pretty open book. We know. Ya’ll get that by now. A little too open. Hush. But still, in dating, it seems, as I’ve been told numerous times… I’m “unreadable.”  What? I love to read! I’m also, supposedly… Unpredictable. I’m not, I’m pretty damn boring. Creature of habit status. But put me in a relationship-worthy circumstance, with a beefy handsome dude that knows how to awaken the beast inside of me? …I’m running for the hills like a band of merry men after a french cow lands squarly on one their “horses.”  Flying vaches over castle walls never gets old. (skip ahead to the 2min mark for your start point on the video;you’ll get it) Any man who can figure out how to get me into submission… KUDOS TO YOU! I’m a tough nut to crack. Apparently. Not really.  I guess all it took was a little bedtime asphyxiation to show me what I wanted… And here I thought all I wanted was a peach-banana smoothie. Next to the trap door. With my weekender.

humor, relationships, self-help

Secret Pinball Sex Hack


Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset
Don’t stop GET IT GET IT

Ah, sex. The carnal desire of which we all think is pointless when we aren’t getting it and yet when we are getting it, boast to the world senseless facts about it to anyone who’s within eye rolling distance. Oh geez… Exactly. Like, did you know, taking to your primal needs keeps you young? Huh? Ageless? Wait, really? Yeah, now you’re listening. And relieves stress? I want stress relief! Me! Me! And holy shit relaxes you so much that you just want sleep for weeks at a time? I want to sleep for a week… *sniff sniff Snoring is a fine activity and should absolutely be considered a sport. In the Olympics.

So fancy my surprise, when someone catches me off guard. I know! Me! Superman-style. Ok, I’m fancying… carry on. He works you like a 18pinball machine in a single bound. Pushes your perverse and jovial buttons. Yes, this post is totally happening. A super Mario Bros pinball machine. Ok, I like video games. And perverted buttons. For Hours and hours… In a single, pound town… of multiple… bounds. Ice packs please! Let me clarify. I have trouble staying… well, focused. No kidding, genius. Hush. So,  facing a man in bed takes a lot more guts than assuming any style of doggy. Or reverse cowgirl. I mean, looking at the dude while trying to get yours? How fucking distracting can that shit be…  seriously, you actually have to look at this person. In the face. OMG. Like, face a person. No. Naked. No, I don’t wanna. While making eye contact. Oh I die at the mere thought…  Kill me. *cough cough Anyone else want to choke up their lunch? Listen… nine times out of ten, I just can’t stand looking at any person enough to, uh, get my happy on. Pay attention for more than five minutes. Or keep down my lunch… *insert A lot of faking it here, with the Super Mario theme music playing in the background. What was I saying? Oh, that’s right… But holy cow! Can’t you just imagine what it be like to give a performance worthy of real goomba thug thumping?! While facing forward?! That’s it. He’s gotta be a fucking super hero. Flag capturing at it’s finest. King Koopa aint got shit on this monster’s can of polka-dotted, piranha plant pipe whoop ass. Who fucking knew it be so… *sigh I guess when the stars all align you truly can achieve an ecstatic venture of a romantic capability. And still eat a burger!

On your mark. Get set. Pimp My Pinball! Photo: Tory Piro
On your mark. Get set. Pimp My Pinball! Photo: Tory Piro

Keep dropping quarters in that snatch to watch the balls drop… figuratively and literally. Or Ovaries. Either way ladies, cutting yourselves short and settling on blah-dick isn’t anything like getting super mario dick that knocks your mushrooms off! I mean, let’s just shoot straight… as long as I’m cross-eyed from not being cross-legged, I’m having a bomb-ass day. And honestly… nobody ever REALLY wants to play with Luigi, right? The lame brother with no purpose; with little brother powers. Only there to allow the add of an extra player into the mix. Minus the eye contact. So, I’ll keep going back to that special world for more… unlocking secret under water, level cheats and I’ll even go as far as to say that, yes, I WILL look that beast square in the eyes.

Fucking wreck it Tiger. *wink