humor, relationships, self-help


aaa28-img_6377Last night I realized… I am pretty damn good at phone sex. Oh Lord. And why shouldn’t I be? I like to believe I’m exceptional at anything I give a go. And she’s go-ing for it. Aren’t I a literary farceur? Seriously. Couldn’t that extend to a girl’s landline and an exquisite evening of adventure? What the hell. It absolutely can! Yup,  she’s going to run with this today AND there’ll be no stopping this indecent train. Nope. Stay with me.

So I thought, not everyone is good at obscene phone linguistics; of a hot and sexy nature, so I felt the need to give some smutty pointers. I know, I’m a giver. Granted, my pornographic phone buddy was AMAZING. But, there’s no need to divulge any nasty details on that. I know, you want to hear them. I will say this… if personal quests of a bedroom romp were a sport; he’d 100% bring home the SOLID GOLD. *wink I know, now you’re really curious… you lewd fuckers. =P


  1. Set the MOOD. That’s right. Even though you are -technically- home alone with a receiver to your head, and an ultra enticing, man’s voice on the other line to motivate you, there is still an ambience you can create to get you in the zone. Not always. Impromptu cell phone getaways are always wonderful as well; but, for this post, I’m opting for mood-enhancing room feel. Light candles, turn on the Scentsy pot, etc.
  2. Buddy Up. This seems like a no-brainer. Although a little fun with yourself is always a good thing, teaming up with a willing partner can be that much more exciting. Make sure he’s the type to spill out whatever he’s thinking and has a filthy sense of exploration. He should both shcok you with his verbiage choices and illicit you to come up with some dirty circumstances yourself.
  3. Pillow Pop.  You’re knee deep into your pillows, you’ve got a bed bud to keep your focus… so now it’s time to let your hair down and enjoy the ride. Figuratively and literally. Don’t set your alarm clock girls, because once you let out your mouthy words of lust, sleeping in will be your next order of business. I know I’ve had a good time when my pillow feathers pop out of their cases. And even in that “case,” would you really want to stop the feathers from flying? Hell no!

Grab your Penthouse thesaurus and get to pounding the pillows. Leave no goose unplucked. Dial
up your beasty friend and practice your pickle tickling. Besides, loving yourself -whether by yourself or with a sack scintillator in tow- keeps you young and helps you live longer. And I quite like the sound of bumping bunnies for life. I mean, if it keeps you young…. *shrugs

sometimes it’s good not to know what the hell just happened… *wink

Costco Love, Keurig Loathing

Clearly, my fancy Keurig that I raved about buying almost two years ago has now become the most hated appliance in my home. Boo! I cannot find the pods for this new “advanced” machine anywhere except the Bed, Bath, and Beyond; which has a limited supply, and charges in upwards of $16-$20 per box of 8 pods. That’s right. Count them… E-I-G-H-T. Um, convenience fee much? No thanks.

“Coffee... Without it, I might kill you”So imagine my surprise when I went to my new favorite store, Costco, and saw another version of my Super Keurig which uses the exact same (selling nowhere) pods I need?! Holy shit! Am I excited! So, I run down the coffee pod aisle and what did I find… NOT the fucking pods I need for my Keurig. But you sell the machine. Which they freaking sell in the store. What the hell Costco?!!  I see it, the coffee maker, it’s right there. That if, one were to buy said machine would need pods… that they weren’t selling. It’s like a sick joke. For coffee people. And no, you cannot use the regularly scheduled mass pods currently saturating the market; no, no, thank you Keurig for making the largest paperweight in my kitchen cabinet. Definitely a sick joke you should never play on coffee people. It’s time for an “onion” letter to the Keurig manufacturers. What’s an onion letter, you ask? It’s a (nasty) note with a smile conveying your greivance and simply stating the obvious dissatisfaction. I.e. the coffee maker that makes no coffee because there are no pods to be found for it. Useless coffee maker. I loathe you.

This terrible purchase reminds me of when I was a kid and my dad swore that laser disc was the 412d4-unknownnext best thing. Oh geez. Beta and VHS were going nowhere; laser disc was where it’s at! It wasn’t. We had a cool looking collection on the walls-was it really cool though, really? None of my other friend’s parents had this latest trend… because it sucked. But, alas,  that technological advancement left society quickly. Because nobody cared. Beta tapes lastest longer; if i remember correctly. Then boom. The DVD era came and annhialated all the cluttery collections of bulky movie mess past. Either way, I’m a movie streaming fan and I hate buying crap that I may only watch once. Except Frozen. I’ll still watch that one over and over. I love you Olaf.

Keurig… I’m begging you NOT to be a laser disc mistake! But, if it is then maybe it’s time for a Tassimo…



Stay-cay Vacay

The time has come for my two week stay-cay vacay. Yay! With my yotube yoga sessions hanging in the balance from the wake of the insiduous mattress debacle… It’s vacation hour here on the ranch. What ranch? No ranch. You live on a ranch now? No, there’s no ranch. It’s a figure of–What the hell are you talking about? HOME. Just home… Another name for what I call home. Focus. Geesh!

Hello stranger, may I borrow your lap for a photo? #tryingoutastranger

It pains me to sign off for a few. No it doesn’t. But, whether it does or doesn’t cause me sickness, I can use these precious minutes for catching up on some reading (naked), extreme couponing (naked) or braiding my hair. Naked. What? I don’t know. I likely won’t get to either of those peaceful activities anytime soon. Couponing. Peaceful? No, but the nakedness of it all was, what I’m really looking forward to. Not necessarily the police picking me up for indecent exposure in the dairy case… But hell! It sure was fun thinking about the possibilities! Not at all really. Feel free to read up on past posts, comment and the like.  Embarking on the adventure of a lifetime which involves doing NOTHING. Hardest thing I’ll ever do. I’ve had four days of nothing due to my broken neck -it’s not broken, stop telling people that- and I’m already going nuts. Didn’t have far to go though. Nutcase ingrained. Or nut-filled. Trust that I will undoubtedly -and unfairly- be catching up on freaking everything I haven’t gotten to (like martha strewart-like projects) and that just doesn’t sound like a fun vacation at all actually. Nope. It’s more work. Blah. Where’s the flying ponies?! Flying pink-haired ponies with pretty wings and cotton candy scented confetti from their hooves, that trickle down as they glide across the sky?!

I want THAT vacay.

Not gonna happen.


But, I better just be happy I can sit in the bathtub for three hours, undisturbed.  Getting all pruney and stuff. Dreaming about ponies that fly…

Out here on the ranch. *slaps forehead


DISCLAIMER: Yes. That happened. And, thank you kind man-stranger, next to me at the bar, I needed to borrow your lap and you complied.