happy mother's day, humor, mother's day, mother's day blogs, relationships, self-help, technology

Lot Lizard Momma

I feel I needed to expand upon the hilarity that is my mother’s truck stoppery.pexels-photo-981588

Last night, mom called me while she was still driving across country.

She’s on her world tour.

Anyway, she was having trouble trying to find a rest stop.

Yeah, she was still using that shitty GPS Machine Lady. And for all intents and purposes, her relationship with that location unit is the equivalent to my hate/hate relationship with Siri. Maybe hate is too strong a word. Loathing? No, leave it at hate. Hate is good.

We have an understanding. Let’s just leave it at that.                    

Back to mom.

Along the way, she stopped at a rest stop for gas, some food, let her dogs out to do their                doggy duty. Where she was hit on by a burly man…accompanied by a wife and kids in a rusty wagon. Not sure what that was about. But, I couldn’t stop giggling. So wrong. I know. Totally wrong. But you can imagine the plethora of questions that pop up in that situation! And the laughter. Way too much laughter.  I told mom just to quickly hop back into her truck because I don’t need to watch the ID channel to discover the mangled, murdered woman depicted in the show – after she visits a dark and scary place -matches her description.

One more stop for the night.  A truck stop for gas/food, more dog duty… and a lonely trucker mistook her for a truck stop prostitute. She hustled back to her car faster, waving and hollering, “Not your lot lizard here, dude!!” Aw, mom, he just wanted some affection. 

Again, I couldn’t contain my laughter.

healthy-person-woman-sport.jpgMoral of the story? Theres a moral here? No booty shorts when traveling abroad. What? Make sure you’re wearing some sturdy running shoes.

Oh! And grab a can of police-grade mace.

You just never know.


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**If you enjoy our content you can help keep www.ritaslanina.com going directly by donating over at Patreon

humor, self-help, technology

NOT-SO-TECH Lessons With Mom

Ah, mother.pexels-photo-351970

Here we go again.

This time? GPS. Across country.

I don’t know what happens when we cross the age of senior citizen status; but, I gotta tell you, I will NEVER look forward to it and when it happens, I can almost guarantee that I will be redefining that age group for myself. And if it is true, that one day we turn into our parents…? (pause, think, think)…

I’m absolutely terrified.

My mom is a sweetheart. And yet… totally nuts. She’s driving across country with a GPS system that I am pretty sure would make a better paper weight. Every few hours or so, I get a call that goes like this:

Free Nude Rose Lip Gloss in Marilyn with any Carli Deluxe Palette! Use code BLOWKISSES

MOM: Can you go on the internet?

ME: Why mom?pexels-photo-220147.jpeg

MOM: Well, the lady on my machine told me to get off this exit and then I saw a sign for       Colorado. Am I in Colorado?

ME: I don’t know where you are, mom. What highway are you on?

MOM: Well… I’m not sure. It’s just dark and I don’t remember where the turn went.

*slaps forehead – At this point, I’m pretty sure her GPS “Machine Lady” hasn’t been updated beyond the township she once lived and therefore has zero capability of actually getting her across our vast American land.

ME: Why aren’t you using your Map App on your phone? That GPS is as useful as trying to scoop sand with a fork.

Dad’s Are Rad! Give Yours the Gift of Travel Today! Save up to $9 on flights & hotels with promo code MYDAD9. Book Now!MOM: Why would I scoop sand with a fork?

ME: Mom, please focus.

MOM: I don’t have a map on my phone. I don’t have a smart phone. I have a Galaxy.

ME: That’s a smart phone. Open the app on the phone.

MOM: I can’t. I would have to pull over and I don’t want to lose any more driving time.

ME: You’ve already lost drive time and your driving to  San Francisco.

MOM: I don’t want to go to San Francisco!!!

So, this could go on forever. And it did.

Trying to explain technology to a certain age group is fairly challenging. I love that my mother has taken the steps to keep up with it. But, she still has a long way to go.


Wish me luck!

As for her trip across county… She didn’t end up in the bay area; but, someone did mistake her for a prostitute at a truck stop since she was traveling alone.

I’m guessing that’s the only prerequisite to that profession.



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**If you enjoy our content you can help keep www.ritaslanina.com going directly by donating over at Patreon

humor, self-help, technology

Members Only

pexels-photo-296282Do I get a jacket? No.

A pin? No. But, I like where you’re going with this!

Well, what’s with the membership then….

We teamed up with Patreon! Who?

You’ve probably noticed some of your favorite YouTubers, creators and artists have already hopped on this band wagon and well….. so am I! And I am so excited to be a part of this revolution!

With all the algorithm changes to every social media platform and the constant increase of demonetizing of YouTube, and the ever-evolving internet shifts…. It takes a toll on the revenue streams creators -like myself – have.

So, with emerging platforms like twitch, Patreon, and the like offering better returns, and opportunity for you guys to be an integral part of it. It’s pexels-photo-264146.jpegno wonder we’re all adding another degree of stream! Like a weatherman. No. Pay attention. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t do it FOR the money. It’s nice to have it; but, its the creation of all the content I drop into the universe that means the most to me! Woohoo!

That being said, the utility company won’t oblige to a barter system of signed copies of my books in exchange for keeping the lights on.

Damn it. 

So, if you already follow me, don’t worry. I will still be posting across all my platforms; however, the slight difference will be that the members of Patreon will have exclusive access before everyone else when our new releases come out! Ah. Like the big stuff. 

Like the new album? Yes. The follow up book? Yes.

You get the idea.

Pre-release digital downloads before the rest of the pubic can get them.


Additionally, exclusive content will be created just for our members only!!

Oooo, so hoity toity. No, no, not at all.

This unique setup will help support our mission to provide fun, entertaining and consistent content on a regular basis! And for a little as one dollar a month!!

Now, I don’t know how long we plan to hang onto this venture. It may be a short term one to accomplish a few goals we have set out to accomplish this year that need a little oomph of support or provided the response is a good one, we may hang onto it longer and add more company goals to it.

Momentarily, I am testing it out and seeing where the yellow brick road takes me! Watch for tornados. 

In the meantime, check out todays YouTube episode. It’s more focused on what I am unveiling to you here than the usual fuckery I bestow upon you guys. Ah, okay, will do. 

Oh, and BY THE WAY…. a new album title – with the cover art – is unveiled. What?

MORE new freaking music is on the way?!! Yup.

It sure is and I have never been more excited about an album.

This one has truly been a bloody lifeline for me. It’s always the journey. And this album definitely reflects an excursion!

Clicked my ruby red slippers three times…pexels-photo-957589.jpeg

And, out came some songs…

While a Tin Man, A Cowardly Lion and a Monkey held my hand.

OMG. What.