Exercise, healthy and beauty, humor, self-help

Gym-Smell-Timidation

I have been searching through my old drafts of the blog to see what is still relevant and – well?

None of them freaking are…

FiveStar

Why am I looking through old drafts, you ask? Well, it’s simple, I typically will jot down blog thoughts that eventually turn into these hilarious posts that you all enjoy. But sometimes, it doesn’t always work out. Add to that the fact that my frame of mind when I jotted – said ideas – down, are not my mindset now. So, essentially, they get lost in translation because of time. And my brain changing its mind over time. And for thus, tossed in the trash.

Especially when there is plenty of content right in front of my face.

Or rather, my nose space.

Speaking of working out…

That was a leap… Yes, completely unrelated at all. But stay with me here…

Takeya USA

The gym is a great place to go. I love it, I hit that place twice a day. Pretty much every gym I’ve ever been to has been great and I have no complaints. Except, maybe today….

Right.

Oh! Not about the gym.

Over the weekend my fiancé and I hit the gym. Now, the gym we go to now is small and quaint. And best of all usually fairly quiet. Even when there are other guests there working out. Everyone has – for the most part – decent gym etiquette .

I’m going to feel a little bad about this rant. No you won’t.

Takeya USA

And if you were there you’d be horrified too. Okay I’m listening…

Upon entering the gym, there was an – um… aroma? – yeah, you can call it that; but you’d be wrong. When you think of the word, aroma, you usually equate that to a nice smell. An inviting scent. Like, baked cookies or a whiff of a soft perfume. That chokes you in the breezeways. Quiet.

The student becomes the teacher…

Help! I’ve fallen and the skink won’t let me up!

Stop right there before you go nuts over the smell of banana bread. OR any other pleasant anecdotes of awesome essence of food.

The smell coming off of this other gym guest was horrifying. Uh oh.

If you are older, and you live alone, and you think you don’t smell – and I’m not knocking my elders here – AND its been probably days since you showered? You freaking smell dude. Here she goes. What sucks right, is that this person is so such a sweet guy but God Almighty, could someone let him know that using a shower won’t bite! Hell! Even my grandmother, who is losing her mind in a nursing home, gets bathed daily by someone because she cannot do it herself.

O+ Biggi - Oxygen Plus

Criminy!!

I hop on the treadmill anyway after saying hello and I just want to die. Dramatic much? Yes. Or jump off the treadmill and change my plans for a later date. Probably a more conservative approach. The smell in the air was so terrible that my nose itched and I kept sneezing and literally made made my stomach turn.

Again, I’m so NOT trying to be a meanie head.

Hygiene is a basic skill set, people!!

What if we all stopped freaking showering?! OMG. The filth that would ensue. The diseases! People would be catching Leprosy! What’s that? Some ancient disease from the beginning of time. What time was that now? I don’t know. When mummies were a thing or something like that. Great research job there. Eh. *shrugs, you get what I mean.

50% Off Select Filtration Systems

Your skin falls off!

If you are an elder, you should already know this. The cleanliness thing, that is. Not necessarily about Leprosy. I don’t think anyone in our day and age has heard of or known anyone who’s skin fell off right in front of their eyes.

Did you give up on life already?

Oh wait, no… that can’t be it. Why?

Nope.

Uh, because you’ve rallied your pig-pen ass all the way to the gym for a workout! So, from where I’m smelling, you have the wear-with-all to scrub a dub-dub in the damn tub!

THERE ARE SHOWERS AT THE GYM FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE!!

Oh and that’s not the end of it….

While being less of a horrible reek; the nightmare continued beyond my scope of blurred vision from the clouds of dirt surrounding me.

Rakuten Kobo U.S

MEANWHILE: IN ANOTHER ROOM, NOT SO FAR, FAR AWAY…

My fiancé was doing the stair climber, and afterward was telling me a story of how he was horrified by an old lady smacking her deriere! Just so you have a visual, the stair climber is in the aerobics room. It’s a small gym, as I mentioned. So, if old ladies want to do Zumba. They plop on a video tape (or CD? I don’t know – I’m starting to think I’m in some time warp vortex), and dance around, following along with the woman in M.C. Hammer pants leading the class on the video.

SIDEBAR:

Why the low crotch pants? I don’t no; but I was given an unlikely description that this is what women with non-clean, uh, carpets (a.k.a. vajay-jays) who put off an unpleasant stench and this baggy crotch pant is a remedy to that. Oh geez. Well, you asked…

Well, wait, was that supposed to be a solution to a bigger problem? What kind of solution is that?

I have no freaking idea.

Go to the gynocologist!

Couldn’t agree more.

Pay attention. I can’t now. Seriously, iIs it just me?

LISTEN TO EPISODES OF RITAS DUMP: THE PODCAST PLAYLIST ON YOUTUBE

Because that was the first time I’d EVER heard of THAT reason to wear such an ugly style, of said, trendy pant.

Ugh, apparently…

I don’t even want to think about someone’s smelly hoohaw, thank you very much for that visual burned into my mind’s eye.

Circling back, so also during the class, that stinky twat video aerobics instruction, includes slapping your own arse in front of strangers.

At least your booty-smacking old lady didn’t smell like a garbage disposal.

fashion, healthy and beauty, humor

Pleather Pleggings, Part Deux

It’s March. I’ve lost a few pounds. And these damn leggings are still taunting me… so, here we go!

Takeya USA
What the hell…

I’ve been blasting away at the gym like a mad-woman. I’ve dropped 10 pounds. I’ve omitted several bad food, sleeping, and an overall whatever- crap habits I can think of – to toss to the wayside. What’s crazy is that my food isn’t super terrible to begin with; but, for whatever reason it was most definitely time to toss up what I know and start with a blank slate. Goodbye cheesy potatoes. *sniff sniff

Now, you may notice that at 141 pounds, I was poofy. I’m not that tall. You’re not? No. And hush, my acting resume assumes me taller. Oh, and yes, I shoot taller in photographs for some reason too. Which means, proportionately, for photos, that’s freaking awesome! Uh, the point? Right. Anyway, any extra weight that may decide to stick around will immediately show itself. So, goodbye puffball piggy! Time to toss those frozen deep dish singles. I’m down to 128 lbs now. Only took you months -upon months- to do it. Quiet – shit takes time. I’ve got about 10 more to go; but that’s a personal goal that is taking longer than I’d like. Patience, daniel-son. Karate Kid reference? Yup.

Shop MissMaryofSweden.com now!

Having a bout with a bit of stress at the end of last year. Or rather for an entire year. No biggie. Got past it; but, definitely added to the weight issues plaguing my existence. Regardless, those damn skinny leggings are calling out to me once again and I may be in a fairly strong mental place to handle it. *fingers crossed

Lies. I came. I tried them on. I couldn’t handle the pleggings fitting disaster. The new one.

The old one too! Thanks.

But, definitely not the new one. How depressing. Wah. I’m starting to think its the design of said pant. I’m a curvy/athletic silhouette and these are shaped for the stick figures. The skinny fat girls. The girls with brittle bones. The scrawny – girl, go eat a burger – types. The less than shapely; but more child-like frames. We get it. Okay good. I’m just an average sized, healthy broad with killer hips and thighs, man! Why can’t you pleather stretch pants show me some LOVE?!

Walmart eBooks - Get $10 Off first eBook or audiobook

Just a little bit? She’s dying over here. I’ll love you forever…. *batting eyelashes and offering up an ice cream cone

Bats ice cream cone to the floor.

And with that rant being both unnecessary and likely annoying …

Let the pleggings pull up begin.

There’s a lot of grunting and groaning going on there. Yeah, shut up.

Everything all right over there? Ugh.

You gotta be freakin’ kidding me.

Argh! I… hate… you… pleaaaather!

These pleggings will be the death of me.

Trust me, I did my damndest to make the picture angle, stance, and height the best version of itself that it could be… to a big FAT fail.

Fool me once, pleathers.

Damn you.

15% off Sitewide for St Patrick's Day

I’m quite certain at this point that there is literally NO coming back from these ill-fitting trousers with an ax to grind. My thighs will NEVER consider these pleggings to be one of importance in my wardrobe again. Oh, the bravery.

Rewash them? Um… thank you, next. The likelihood of them fitting even better – sarcasm – after yet another wash? I’ll take my chances at the zoo, with my head in the mouth of a hippo.

There’s your bravery… Hush.

So yeah, I could be overreacting. Emotionally.

Very Likely.

But, if you haven’t had a tussle with an article of clothing, you haven’t truly lived. I’ve had underwear decide it wants to move away from its placeholder. I’ve had a scarf try to strangle me while bent over looking for shoes in the closet. I’ve also had a closet organizer dump all the clothes it held, onto me when I wasn’t paying attention.

Why does the common denominator all seem like it’s you?

Quiet down. Stop interrupting.

And with that, I take a moment of silence, and toss them in the donate pile. *insert sad music here – Until I see another pleather option that will work well with my body type. Til the sky swoons and moves mountains – *looks around, is that a violin? – As the wave of the ocean breeze – Alright. That’s enough. You’ve lost it.

Oops, went on a little vacay there… Back to reality. Shame on me.

I’ve been fooled twice by you, pleather pleggings. Twice now!

Shame. On. Me.

house and home, humor, self-help, Writing Stuff

Stationary Shopping: Restriction Mode

FiveStar

I have officially been put on journal and stationary purchasing restriction. *sigh

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE stationary, thank you notes, decorative or personalized letter pages, envelopes, journal writing books, and even sketch pads. Oh, criminy.

I know.

As if I don’t have enough clutter circling around my desk. *whispers… but there’s still room in the blank notebook bin!

Trees in the forest are quivering as I write this, I know. I’m a monster. Terrible person. Hush.

There is just something about putting a pen to the page that just feels nice. Cathartic. Meditative, even.

And with Camp NaNoWriMo just around the corner, let’s face it, how can I possibly be expected to refrain from buying more highlighters and stickers?! It’s a nightmare I tell ya. A nightmare.

I truly think that it’s the little things we should consider finding joy in and for me its staaaaaa-tionnnnn-aaaaaary! Echos. Echos. Echos. Did you hear the echoing voice calling out?

Visitors Coverage

Oh, dear Lord… *slaps forehead

Did I lose you at Camp NaNoWriMo? Well, if you recall, I did an annual writing event last year – for the first time – called NaNoWriMo. An acronym that stands for National Novel Writing Month. During the month of November, writers from all over attempt to write 50,000 words in 30 days. While I have written books with as much verbiage; I had not done so within a month. So, I thought I’d add a fun challenge to my writing by joining in on the fun!

Watch me track my progress and see how I did in the video below!

Now that spring is upon us, daylight saving’s time has switched back, and I’m overcome with an aching to wear tank tops again… It’s also time for Camp NaNoWriMo. Another writing event that I will be attending. 

Again, for the first time.  

The goal in this event?  I’ve given myself a 30,000 count of words to attain. If you watch the video above, you’ll see why… 

If I can accomplish this smaller goal, then I will be able to add an additional goal for a quieter project that I am keeping under wraps until it’s release. It’s a non-fiction and that’s all I’ll be able to spill on that. 

Takeya USA

Camp NaNoWriMo will be the same duration as the NaNo event in November; except that Camp NaNo occurs in April. If you are a writer, or aspiring writer, add me as a writing buddy.

We can help motivate each other! 

I surely won’t need any stationary, as most of my writing is done on my computer. But, I simply cannot help myself when I see those adorable, blank notebooks that I clearly MUST add to my collection! No, you must not.

As I prepare to begin my writer’s retreat, I am besought with the urge to visit Ross, and Target for a few more blank books. No, you’re not. To creatively organize my month with colored markers and marvelous stickers of station. Hearts, moons, stars and rainbows. All unnecessary.

Oh. I’m doing it.

You’re on restriction.

Tattle tale. I’m doing it, so there.

Take a Break and Save Big! Save up to $18 off our fees on flights & hotels with Spring Break promo code BREAK18. Book Now!

Oh! And never forget the glitter…