arts and crafts, Exercise, healthy and beauty, humor, self-help

Boob Sweat Bruising

I know. The title is definitely attention grabbing.But, it’s not what you think…

Or, maybe it is.

I mean, if it means you’re into such a phenomenon. Never heard of it, sassy. Or this has happened to you. Nope. Never. Or maybe you’re intrigued but want to know more. Now, I don’t know how to explain such a title… except to start from the beginning.

It’s now the holiday season and I’ve got workout fever. I’m hitting the gym every day, all

pexels-photo-704149
…and 1, munch. …and 2, crunch. …and 3, eat cupcake trees

while trying to juggle my business, my blog, vlog and publishing responsibilities with my book – oh! – and yeah, doing that PR thing for my book too. Exhausting! Anyhoo… After an intense; but, killer workout yesterday… (Upper body, cardio, and ab work, in case you were wondering.)  Nope. We weren’t… 

I’m in the shower and I’m slathering up and what do I see when I look down? No, not a unicorn. That would be weird. I see, what looks like a stain on thehands-purple-child-holding.jpg inside of my boobs, and when I pull them apart it’s discolored just like a bruise. That’s still weird though.

Wait, why are you pulling apart your boobs in the shower?

I wish I had the unicorn. Or baby powdered glitter. Let me see if I can get a picture of this damn thing for you guys…. please hold… *insert elevator style hold music here…. Well, dammit, I can’t get the picture to focus… heyyyy, wait a minute! What the hell is —

Okay, now that I’m trying to get a picture, and I’m looking at the pic, (it’s not a bruise, is it?) it sort of seems like…. (not a bruise?) it’s… not (go on, say it)… so much of a bruise. (I knew it.) But, rather more so…. *hee hee… a little embarrassed here. Really? No. Not really.

A giraffe’s hairball. No.

A fortune cookie. No. With a message inside… Um, no.

It was self tanner. (Of course it was.)

I told you. Yes, I’m afraid that it was -*sigh- self tanner, that hasn’t been washed off. Told you it wasn’t ‘a bruise. Which is weird –this whole conversation is weird – because I am quite sure I’ve showered at least once in the last week. Lying. Just kidding. Most likely a few times; still lying, but, regardless, it’s like…did I miss a spot? Uh, clearly, yes.  Serious though, the next stage of my plan had me thinking I needed to take an emergency visit to the webMD or something.

Oh, sweet Jesus. *slaps forehead

Alas, all is well in the universe… And it’s wasn’t a bruise at all… um, no.

OF course it wasn’t. 

So, now that I’m still alive from my near death boob bruising, I found some time in my pexels-photo-58457.jpegrecovery to tackle one of my favorite arts and crafts projects. Arm Knitting!

What. Yeah, arm knitting! I survived a unicorn attack, boob sweat and it was NOW time to start checking off that bucket list!

You can learn how to arm knit too! Just watch this week’s episode on my YouTube Channel below…. and you won’t need to justify living life to the fullest with a message on your t-shirt telling us how you survived a killer goldfish that jumped right out of the bowl and onto your eye. Although, I’d pay to see that…. I’d definitely pay to see that.

 

*all jokes folks. all jokes. As always, enjoy a life full of living to the fullest, with lots of love and most importantly the gift of laughter. And wear a tutu. It’s everyone’s favorite. *wink

healthy and beauty, humor, self-help

The Quickie Hack

person-couple-love-romantic.jpgNot that kind of quickie. Wah…. Get your perverted minds out of the gutter. No, don’t wanna. Ok, okay, maybe it was just me and MY filthy mind. Usually the case. But in my defense you pervs wouldn’t be here reading here every week if you weren’t hoping for a bit of despicable sludge from time to time. Am I right, grime grazers? Yeah, I’m totally on target. Muck mongers unite!

Moving on, fall is nearing and I have had about enough of the blonde version of Rita!

Do blonds reeeeaaaaalllyyyyy have more fun?File Aug 25, 4 36 37 PM.jpeg

Eh, sure. If you consider swinging from an antelope while it runs through cotton candy a good time. I’m still chaffed. It’s time to go back to my naturally beautiful, dark hues of hotness… except, I’m on a budget and I need to save some coin. Damn you wallet crusher. After a coupon induced  CVS haul of hair color, I touched up my roots for a more “naturally appealing” grow out; yet something still wasn’t right.

I’m doing it myself? No.

Ah… my freakin’ bangs are too long. Yes!

I pull out the scissors and the first go round… total disaster. I ended up with more an asymmetrical vibe. Definitely NOT the look I was going for. It was headbands for three months. And hey, I’m a fan of headbands; but not for a fiscal quarter. Ugh! It wasn’t until recently I discovered there existed clip-on headpieces, ponytails and bangs exist. Yeah, I know, I’m slow. Meh. It happens when you’re busy living. Double meh. However, now that I’m around the learning curve and twenty bang clip-on purchases later… I have now figured out how to cut my own bangs. And in no time at all!

 

Oh yeahhhhh… goodbye hair pieces. Or maybe I’ll hang on to them. You never know when you might need to go incognito at a macaroni and cheese rally with an antelope.

healthy and beauty, self-help

Busting A Bout of Doubts

My thoughts seem to be tormenting me today. Not surprised. Sometimes, it feels like I fight my demons all at the same time… but, don’t we all? Be a bitch? Don’t be a bitch. Be diplomatic? Speak your mind! Be a lady? Nah, Fuck it! Curse up a storm – like a sailor!                         IMG_7533.jpg

Oh, oops, shouldn’t have done that.

Did I make the right decision? Trust your instincts!

….So, in an effort to distract myself from my own insanity, I’ve been teaching myself a new piano piece. Something complicated. Something intricate. Something that forces me to focus on the keys and not this fuckery; but, then my hands tire and I’m like… ugh… bottom line, as told by my amazing manager and confidant, “Stop second guessing everything!” ha ha.. she cracks me up. But she’s 100% freaking right! How many times a day do we sit and think about the possible, the improbable and the ridiculous? Incessantly. Running ourselves ragged from the what ifs? And a bologna sandwich within reach. What.

JUST GO FOR IT!IMG_7081.jpg

If you love him, SHOW HIM! Make bologna!

If you want that promotion, ASK FOR IT! A sandwich?

If you need a hug and a tissue, then go ask for a DAMN HUG and a TISSUE before impact!

Diet/Weight Loss Support
Quite often, when I’m having bouts of doubts, something happens and its then, that I begin writing page after page of words. Lyrics that might make it to song, Lyrics that may never see the light of day. Either way, exposing yourself via journal, songs,  or maybe by way of the ice cream man who visits my street every day… huh? How does that – Hush. Don’t worry about it.

Regardless, it’s getting released into the universe to be part of what is to become. Who knows? At the end of the day, I could just be a crazy broad who thinks too much..

But your still here reading this gibberish anyway, aren’t you? =P

Real Simple

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