humor, relationships, self-help

The EXponential Kiss Off Rant

I see you crazy pants!
I see you crazy pants!

There are some exes in my Rolodex I don’t mind hearing from… from time to time. Actually, I’m lying. I could care less. And frankly, I’d rather not. I like to think an ex died or simply vanished. Or disintegrated. Disintegration would be a great one. All in favor? Anyway, If I do happen to run into one, I’ll be cordial or -more likely- just pretend I’ve met their unknown twin. We all have someone in the world that holds a resemblence to our likeness. What’s a Rolodex. Nevermind, pay attention. I’ll play dumb when they say hello. Using my name and everything. Oh hello. Gosh, you do look familiar sir; But, alas, I havent a clue to who you are. Have a beatufiul day…. *wink

So then there are exes that stalk my parking garage and circle my building when I have done all I can to cut all ties to that dickhead’s manic hysteria. Let me share with you a recent, exboyfriend-almost-encounter. Holy Stalker Batman!  I had just parked my car and I’m just minding my own business, talking the phone to my mother about… likely, nothing in particular and I get up to my floor level and what do I see out of my cell phone oblivion peripheral?  You’re what? Right. Aforementioned dickhead. Terribly attempting to make his swift escape without being seen… and, what should have been an easy three point turn, naturally, wasn’t.  Because it’s him- the neanderthal screws it up by making some sort of twenty point turn. Let me elaborate. Remember the yellow, holely toy balls, made for babies? You know the ones, they’re round, they have all kinds of shaped holes for you to match and stick the like-shaped blocks into the ball. They’re usually yellow. They are yellow.. with all different kind of shaped holes on the… Ok. You get it, right? Maybe slower adults -like said woodchuck moron- should play with these. Work on his cognitive skillset that he could put forth into the world. I know, helpful suggestions are a positive. I’m a giver.

Maybe watch a few seasons of Burn Notice...
Maybe watch a few seasons of Burn Notice…

I stray… Ok, so I see this stalking parody playing out and not only do I notice him, his crappy driving incompetence, and his lackluster attempt at creeping up on a person. I mean, it was really like watching Wiley Coyote. He was also in his mother’s car. Oh my God. I know. Yup. You know, there are fairly clever shows on television to aid in the many ways one could follow a person undetected. Clearly, this fellow hadn’t watched any of them. And likewise, I’ve come to the conclusion he didn’t factor in that he could roll through my  apartment complex incognito. Keep your day job super sleuth! Neither in his vehicle, nor his mommy’s. There are NO other carros in my domain that look like either of those vehiculos. It was totally him and even if you confronted crazy pants; he’d lie and deny. Dumbass. I should have taken a picture. I mean, I can rock some pretty sick selfies; but, when there’s an AHA! moment happening, I completely drop the ball on relaying these events immediately to social media. Hmmm, I might need to hire an assistant for this… Noted.

Evidently, I have disintegrated you from my life for a reason. Three great reasons, actually. Exes. Are exes. For a reason. There is NO logical explanation whatsoever -unless you share kids with a former spouse- especially when I am in a committed, loving relationship do I need to conjur up your ghost into my new reality. Let’s have a seance. Bye casper. Not so sidebar: If I have had to block your number from calling/texing, block and report you across all my social media for harrasing my pages, and I have basically fallen off the face of your earth? It’s time for you to let this pony go and move on with your life. Hi-Ho Silver, AWAYYYY! Yes, you screwed up. I’m a catch. And I’m pretty freaking fun, funny AND awesome. Yeah, I’m a triple threat. Deal with it. Away from me. By yourself. And for fucks sake, save your gas money and refrain from visiting. Crazy pants.

 

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humor, relationships, Uncategorized

HO-PROOFING

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*insert James Bond music here*

TWO THINGS come to mind when dating. 1. Keep the crazy bottled up. *Insert tasmanian devil whirling around here.*  And 2. Shed your long beautiful strands of hair everywhere. Absolutely. Everywhere. Shed? Did she say shed? Like a dog, shed?  Yes. Yes I did. What the hell does that have to do with dating? Hear me out. Shedding in your man’s car, bed, bathroom are must DO’s. This is called ho-proofing your relationship. And it isn’t as maniacal a task as it sounds. Uh, you sure? Or bat-shit crazy. It’s totally crazy. Stay with me… Statistically, we lose approximately a hundred hairs a day, right? Give or take. I feel like I lose more than that when I take it to the shower; but, enough about me. 

Girlfriends of mine are always coming to me, whining about their man and if he’s cheating. Driving themselves insane with internal dialogue and worrying themselves sick over “what ifs” and maybes.” Well, I came up with a solution. Drink to numb the pain? No. I’m pretty laid back. Drown your sorrows at the deep end of a pond filled with pirhanas? Uh… I’m not that laid back, and um, no, don’t do that. My theory is, if your man is going to cheat… You can’t stop it, control it or follow him around incessantly with a hat and sunglasses. Chances are, he’ll catch your Audrey Hepburn disguise faster than you can say, “I’m late for my breakfast at Tiffany’s.”  But ladies, you can brush the heck out of your hair and let your luxurious locks do all the work….

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Wait a minute… I have a plan!

GUIDE TO HO- PROOFING

1. Brush your hair: In his bed, car, bathroom, breakfast nook… wherever you can find a place to target your tresses.

2. Any cute curls laying around will definitely make a ho, who’s entered upon your territory, second guess your douche-bag dude’s bad intentions. Although, if she’s a ho, she might not care anyway and play in his romper room regardless. Maybe I’m not being so helpful…

DISCLAIMER: For amusement only. Any ideas found in this post will likely cause arguments, insecurity and drama. Use with caution or manipulative intent. Or rather, dismiss entirely.

Uncategorized

Stalker Envy

Just here. Being lazy… NOT stalking anything

Let’s give it up for those individuals who really commit to stalking their prey. Or “loved one.”  It really takes a special kind of crazy to keep a tail on a woman. Or man. That’s just a lot of energy I don’t have to give in my “things I could do with my energy” bank. Raise your hand if you’re laziest stalker ever… Here! Present!  I mean, I’m the worst. But, I guess if you’re going to fail at something, stalking might be a good thing, at which, to suck.

 

Though, I digress and start to wonder if maybe I gave off the stalker vibe a little better than previous notions on a recent trip to my local grocery store. Apparently, I was exuding stalker-like qualities and made this guy nervous. Ah, reality bites. Ok, here’s what happened. There’s this cute guy that works in the produce section. He always happens to be there when I need to shop but it’s not a planned encounter. It just happens. I see him there whether I shop in the am, pm, random stops, need water, etc. You get the point. So he was there this morning and he recognized my predictably-dressed, casual and sexy, glasses-wearing nerd, shopping self and says hey. We exchange the “how you beens,” and social decorum whatnots, then I say flippantly, “I think I may be stalking your shift.” I laughed. I’m funny. He laughed. Awkardly. Maybe I’m not so funny. He looked around. Uncomfortably. Ugh, he ducked and totally missed getting hit with my humor stick. Crap. Where’s the vitamin aisle… Get me the hell out of here. Now he thinks I might ACTUALLY be stalking him. Perfect. Little does he know, I’m just too lazy to get up during commercials when watching my favorite show. When I had tv. Yes, it’s still cancelled for those of you who read my blog often. The no-tv withdrawals have subsided. Hence why I probably made the socially inept blunder to begin with. Can we get a round of applause! Shoutout to awkward public situations!

I see you! You can't  hide behind no damn bananas, fool! #pounce #groceryninja
I see you! You can’t hide behind no damn bananas, fool! #pounce #groceryninja

Maybe it’s being out of the dating game? Possible. Maybe it’s my hermit-like status? Book club, party of one, please. Maybe it’s the no television?! You’re a weirdo. I know. Regardless, my anti-soch behavior has got to change or I’ll keep ending up on the high alert, creeper list. There’s no list. Is there such a list? With my luck, there’s absolutely a list. And I’m likely on the damn thing. You’re definitely on it. Hush up, random vocal bystander. Well, if I wasn’t on the list before, I’m probably being added to it now after that apocolyptic encounter. Maybe I can fix this boo-boo with some heavy duty I’m Awesome Duck Tape… that’s what I’ll do. But, first I’ll need a disguise. Because there’s nothing more normal than that. Please don’t dress up as cat woman. But, it’s hot. No. Fine, I can put on a fake mustache. Or just skip waxing my lip this week. And as long as I catch grocery store hottie before he sees me, it’ll all work itself out. Unless he dives behind the organic bell peppers…