Stalker Envy

Just here. Being lazy… NOT stalking anything

Let’s give it up for those individuals who really commit to stalking their prey. Or “loved one.”  It really takes a special kind of crazy to keep a tail on a woman. Or man. That’s just a lot of energy I don’t have to give in my “things I could do with my energy” bank. Raise your hand if you’re laziest stalker ever… Here! Present!  I mean, I’m the worst. But, I guess if you’re going to fail at something, stalking might be a good thing, at which, to suck.


Though, I digress and start to wonder if maybe I gave off the stalker vibe a little better than previous notions on a recent trip to my local grocery store. Apparently, I was exuding stalker-like qualities and made this guy nervous. Ah, reality bites. Ok, here’s what happened. There’s this cute guy that works in the produce section. He always happens to be there when I need to shop but it’s not a planned encounter. It just happens. I see him there whether I shop in the am, pm, random stops, need water, etc. You get the point. So he was there this morning and he recognized my predictably-dressed, casual and sexy, glasses-wearing nerd, shopping self and says hey. We exchange the “how you beens,” and social decorum whatnots, then I say flippantly, “I think I may be stalking your shift.” I laughed. I’m funny. He laughed. Awkardly. Maybe I’m not so funny. He looked around. Uncomfortably. Ugh, he ducked and totally missed getting hit with my humor stick. Crap. Where’s the vitamin aisle… Get me the hell out of here. Now he thinks I might ACTUALLY be stalking him. Perfect. Little does he know, I’m just too lazy to get up during commercials when watching my favorite show. When I had tv. Yes, it’s still cancelled for those of you who read my blog often. The no-tv withdrawals have subsided. Hence why I probably made the socially inept blunder to begin with. Can we get a round of applause! Shoutout to awkward public situations!

I see you! You can't  hide behind no damn bananas, fool! #pounce #groceryninja
I see you! You can’t hide behind no damn bananas, fool! #pounce #groceryninja

Maybe it’s being out of the dating game? Possible. Maybe it’s my hermit-like status? Book club, party of one, please. Maybe it’s the no television?! You’re a weirdo. I know. Regardless, my anti-soch behavior has got to change or I’ll keep ending up on the high alert, creeper list. There’s no list. Is there such a list? With my luck, there’s absolutely a list. And I’m likely on the damn thing. You’re definitely on it. Hush up, random vocal bystander. Well, if I wasn’t on the list before, I’m probably being added to it now after that apocolyptic encounter. Maybe I can fix this boo-boo with some heavy duty I’m Awesome Duck Tape… that’s what I’ll do. But, first I’ll need a disguise. Because there’s nothing more normal than that. Please don’t dress up as cat woman. But, it’s hot. No. Fine, I can put on a fake mustache. Or just skip waxing my lip this week. And as long as I catch grocery store hottie before he sees me, it’ll all work itself out. Unless he dives behind the organic bell peppers…

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