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Dried Apricot Hell

Give me fiber; But, don’t forget the room spray

Ok. So I’ve gained a few pounds over the past year. Reclining my happy ass on my (finally paid for) couch (with wine) will do that to a girl. And while this doesn’t make the men flinch as much as it does us girls, gaining a little extra poundage doesn’t make us feel as sexy. Even though, being thick has always been part of my body type… I want to lean it out. So it’s time to get serious.  I’ve been doing squats, sit-ups and oh yeah… Eating shit with fiber in it. So, no more wine? Nope. Dried Turkish Apricots, to be precise. Im not sure what makes them Turkish though… Every apricot I’ve ever come into contact with has been this dusty orange color and small in size. Anyone feel free to let me in on the “why”… I’m open to hearing it. Because I buy these little bastards from Sprouts and-from their packaging-they look more like they could’ve been plucked in Modesto. Or Boise. I don’t know. Just saying. 
Two things come to mind on the subject of fiber. One. Fiber helps move -Uh… stuff- through your system. Sort of… acts as a laxative, if you will. Two. Not only will those cute little panties of yours get violated throughout this process; but anyone within a 400sf living room could pass out. Or possibly die. Should they choose to sit near you… Maybe implore them to put on their gas masks to protect them from the dried apricot hell gift bags you’re giving… I like my guests to feel included. Im a giver. And, therein, lies the trouble. This is one present you don’t want others around you knowing you’re giving. Yet, there’s no way around it if you’re chowing down these little orange, round fart darts. SBD’s bring on a whole new meaning with these shitpods because what you’re really offering them, is the aroma of something that, rather, died… from your arse. I know, any blissful images you had of me, are -quite realistically- wiped away. But, this isn’t about me. It is. I actually give off whiffs of roses and rainbows. Lying. It’s about the label that should be on these dried apricots.True. In, big bold lettering, too. I may be besties with the commode; But, I’m dropping weight like mad-woman. Unintentionally, at this alarming rate. Do not try this at home. Or do. I don’t know, I’m not a fitness expert. Eh, who needs people anyway… my cellulite is dissipating and my house smells like rainbow maneur. I always wanted that welcoming breeze to linger.  Can Glade plug-ins do that?
 WARNING: Ingesting these morsels will give you bad gas, put you on the toilet for hours,      

                          OH! and, get rid of any friends -you thought- you MAY have had.

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