Exercise, humor, Uncategorized

The YouTube Yoga Kick

Who would’ve thought that i could get a pretty kick ass workout on YouTube? No one.  I sure as hell didn’t. And neither does anyone else really. Like I said, nobody. Well, forget all them. Because this is my new way to feel sexy, and save money, so I can get those weird come on lines, like “Would you like a pistachio?” And make weird faces and respond like: Um, no. And he’ll continue on like, “I’m just offering you a nut, girl.” And I’ll be like: Huh? *Flip my hair, and hastily clip clop away. While feeling disgusted; but happy. Honestly, every female reading this knows that all you need is a great pair of heels and you’ll get hit on two shimmies from walking out your front door. No offense guys, but you know it’s true. Girls are complicated.

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Sweaty Pervenasium…

I have been working out in my building’s gym off and on since I started this ridiculous quest for muscle hotness, and A) There’s too many weirdos that are in there… staring.       B) I’m apparently so out of shape that I’m sweating profusely and it’s gross. I imagine the horrific weather we’ve been having so early on this summer, hasn’t helped that one bit. Thank you Mother Nature. I appreciate the many ways you find, to help aid in my public humiliation. As if I don’t have enough trouble doing that on my own. *impending sarcasm approaching* Sincerely, Thank you. So, I decided to give online working out a try. Remember, I don’t have television, so I have to be creative. Anyone want to build a birdhouse? Uh… Anyway, I found this chick, Courtney Bell, and she has a YOGA for weight loss… boot camp… three session… workout thing online. I figured, this is great. I didn’t want something too activity-invested. Lazy ass. But, I wanted something that could wake up my metabolism and get me motivated. Did it? It sure did! I was sore. The first day. The second day; I half assed it. But, I was still sore the following day. And the third sesh? It wasn’t as easy to find in the search thing; But, I found it, I powered through it and you know what? Yeah. I was hurtin. For a Cheeto. And they weren’t even long sessions. They were about half an hour long, and with her chatty demeanor at the beginning… It really only came out to appoximately twenty -some odd- minutes of actual rolling around on the floor. Downward dog what?

After, what I call the metabolism -wake up the monkey- boot camp, I YouTubed it on over to a more advanced yoga workout. Why? I don’t know… motivation or some shit. Still keeping under the 30 minute timer because honestly, I used to workout two hours a day; sometimes three. But you’re not now so zip it. And while I do love working out… It’s just too stinking hot out and I’ve got so much on my plate momentarily to dump that much time in the gym right now. Are those excuses? Hush. I tried to do the Courtney Bell workouts above a second week in a row, but honestly, I was bored and it was moving too slow for me now that my body has awakened from its hibernation. *yawn* So I found another lady and she’s kicking my ass. Gluterific. What I love about these online yoga workouts -they’re cheesy? No. What I love is that I can target muscle groups and difficulty level to meet my goals a little more efficiently than just winging it on my own at the sweaty weirdo chopping blockatorium that my building has to offer. All in all, I’m not dishing out sixty bones a month (or more) for a gym membership either. That’s pedicure money! And regardless of where I get my stinky workouts on? I’ll be supercharging my bootiliciousness, and the next hottie eyeballing me, will not hesitiate to ask if I want to pet the giraffe in his pocket…

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humor, Uncategorized

Dried Apricot Hell

Give me fiber; But, don’t forget the room spray

Ok. So I’ve gained a few pounds over the past year. Reclining my happy ass on my (finally paid for) couch (with wine) will do that to a girl. And while this doesn’t make the men flinch as much as it does us girls, gaining a little extra poundage doesn’t make us feel as sexy. Even though, being thick has always been part of my body type… I want to lean it out. So it’s time to get serious.  I’ve been doing squats, sit-ups and oh yeah… Eating shit with fiber in it. So, no more wine? Nope. Dried Turkish Apricots, to be precise. Im not sure what makes them Turkish though… Every apricot I’ve ever come into contact with has been this dusty orange color and small in size. Anyone feel free to let me in on the “why”… I’m open to hearing it. Because I buy these little bastards from Sprouts and-from their packaging-they look more like they could’ve been plucked in Modesto. Or Boise. I don’t know. Just saying. 
Two things come to mind on the subject of fiber. One. Fiber helps move -Uh… stuff- through your system. Sort of… acts as a laxative, if you will. Two. Not only will those cute little panties of yours get violated throughout this process; but anyone within a 400sf living room could pass out. Or possibly die. Should they choose to sit near you… Maybe implore them to put on their gas masks to protect them from the dried apricot hell gift bags you’re giving… I like my guests to feel included. Im a giver. And, therein, lies the trouble. This is one present you don’t want others around you knowing you’re giving. Yet, there’s no way around it if you’re chowing down these little orange, round fart darts. SBD’s bring on a whole new meaning with these shitpods because what you’re really offering them, is the aroma of something that, rather, died… from your arse. I know, any blissful images you had of me, are -quite realistically- wiped away. But, this isn’t about me. It is. I actually give off whiffs of roses and rainbows. Lying. It’s about the label that should be on these dried apricots.True. In, big bold lettering, too. I may be besties with the commode; But, I’m dropping weight like mad-woman. Unintentionally, at this alarming rate. Do not try this at home. Or do. I don’t know, I’m not a fitness expert. Eh, who needs people anyway… my cellulite is dissipating and my house smells like rainbow maneur. I always wanted that welcoming breeze to linger.  Can Glade plug-ins do that?
 WARNING: Ingesting these morsels will give you bad gas, put you on the toilet for hours,      

                          OH! and, get rid of any friends -you thought- you MAY have had.