humor, relationships, self-help

The EXponential Kiss Off Rant

I see you crazy pants!
I see you crazy pants!

There are some exes in my Rolodex I don’t mind hearing from… from time to time. Actually, I’m lying. I could care less. And frankly, I’d rather not. I like to think an ex died or simply vanished. Or disintegrated. Disintegration would be a great one. All in favor? Anyway, If I do happen to run into one, I’ll be cordial or -more likely- just pretend I’ve met their unknown twin. We all have someone in the world that holds a resemblence to our likeness. What’s a Rolodex. Nevermind, pay attention. I’ll play dumb when they say hello. Using my name and everything. Oh hello. Gosh, you do look familiar sir; But, alas, I havent a clue to who you are. Have a beatufiul day…. *wink

So then there are exes that stalk my parking garage and circle my building when I have done all I can to cut all ties to that dickhead’s manic hysteria. Let me share with you a recent, exboyfriend-almost-encounter. Holy Stalker Batman!  I had just parked my car and I’m just minding my own business, talking the phone to my mother about… likely, nothing in particular and I get up to my floor level and what do I see out of my cell phone oblivion peripheral?  You’re what? Right. Aforementioned dickhead. Terribly attempting to make his swift escape without being seen… and, what should have been an easy three point turn, naturally, wasn’t.  Because it’s him- the neanderthal screws it up by making some sort of twenty point turn. Let me elaborate. Remember the yellow, holely toy balls, made for babies? You know the ones, they’re round, they have all kinds of shaped holes for you to match and stick the like-shaped blocks into the ball. They’re usually yellow. They are yellow.. with all different kind of shaped holes on the… Ok. You get it, right? Maybe slower adults -like said woodchuck moron- should play with these. Work on his cognitive skillset that he could put forth into the world. I know, helpful suggestions are a positive. I’m a giver.

Maybe watch a few seasons of Burn Notice...
Maybe watch a few seasons of Burn Notice…

I stray… Ok, so I see this stalking parody playing out and not only do I notice him, his crappy driving incompetence, and his lackluster attempt at creeping up on a person. I mean, it was really like watching Wiley Coyote. He was also in his mother’s car. Oh my God. I know. Yup. You know, there are fairly clever shows on television to aid in the many ways one could follow a person undetected. Clearly, this fellow hadn’t watched any of them. And likewise, I’ve come to the conclusion he didn’t factor in that he could roll through my  apartment complex incognito. Keep your day job super sleuth! Neither in his vehicle, nor his mommy’s. There are NO other carros in my domain that look like either of those vehiculos. It was totally him and even if you confronted crazy pants; he’d lie and deny. Dumbass. I should have taken a picture. I mean, I can rock some pretty sick selfies; but, when there’s an AHA! moment happening, I completely drop the ball on relaying these events immediately to social media. Hmmm, I might need to hire an assistant for this… Noted.

Evidently, I have disintegrated you from my life for a reason. Three great reasons, actually. Exes. Are exes. For a reason. There is NO logical explanation whatsoever -unless you share kids with a former spouse- especially when I am in a committed, loving relationship do I need to conjur up your ghost into my new reality. Let’s have a seance. Bye casper. Not so sidebar: If I have had to block your number from calling/texing, block and report you across all my social media for harrasing my pages, and I have basically fallen off the face of your earth? It’s time for you to let this pony go and move on with your life. Hi-Ho Silver, AWAYYYY! Yes, you screwed up. I’m a catch. And I’m pretty freaking fun, funny AND awesome. Yeah, I’m a triple threat. Deal with it. Away from me. By yourself. And for fucks sake, save your gas money and refrain from visiting. Crazy pants.


1 thought on “The EXponential Kiss Off Rant”

  1. Funny you mention Crazy Pants, take its male, but there are Crazy Spandex stalkers out there as well. None seem to get it that it is over. It like throwing yourself in front of a bus and think it doesn’t see you, right. Enjoyed the article, ex’s are terrible and don’t know how to move on and get a life.

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