OffCouch OnDemand

I'm off to the book store! Yes, they still exist!
I’m off to the book store! Yes, they still exist!

I am going through the phase of well… ditching my, time-sucking, television watching. I’ve found myself sitting so long in front of the boob tube, that my couch -which I’m still making payments- already has my butt indented in the cushions. My current lazy meter is so terrible that it really should be added to my list of hobbies. Or current career choice. Bye bye television. What?! Time to unplug you for a bit. No! I dont know how I’m going to make it without my Lifetime movie biopics. They cast so perfectly though! Wailing. Or The Wendy Williams Show. Celebrity gossip! Or TMZ! More gossip! Hold on a sec… let’s not get hasty. Do you hear that? Who is that, screaming bloody murder, at the top of her lungs?!  Oh, it’s me.

I have been going back and forth with this -oh so, life altering- decision for weeks now. Keep. Dump. Keep. Dump. To TV? Or NOT, to TV? That, IS the question. Thanks Shakespeare. I appreciate your updated two cents… For, pretty much my whole life, I’ve never really had a television in the house for longer than six months. Sort of grew up with the addage that, if you’re bored, and have some extra time on your hands… grab a vaccum.  I must get this from my father… When I was a kid, the only time we would have cable tv, was when my dad would steal it from the neighbors. Wait, what?! You steal cable? No. I don’t steal cable. Pay attention. The focus is that we didn’t have tv. Not the cable stealing thing. Attention span of flies, I tell ya. Attention span… of flies.

Disconnected the tv… what a butthole.
 Disconnected the tv… what a butthole.

So, after weeks of this delibitating decision… I have done it. THen I undid it. But, then done it, ordid it, again. Oh geez. The overpriced, interval-slurpping, stupid-box is now ancient history. Ok, fine… It’s only been about twenty minutes.  And without incident and with no withdrawals, I suddenly have time to… take a bath? And, finally google that arts and crafts project, I didn’t know I wanted to do. Ooo, fascinating. And get back to some good ol’ book learnin’.  Snore.  Oh, yes… And vaccum.



humor, Uncategorized

Books Or Boobs 

Geek This.
Geek This.

Getting your teenage boy to read is like wrangling a piranha off of an underwater  basket weaver. I get it. He’s got a hectic schedule. Pretty intensive. In between dirty cleats and his obsession with pork chops, I’ve got some pretty tough competition.

The funny thing is, he used to read all the time. Remember ‘Diary of A Wimpy Kid?’ He loved those! We waited in line for our pre-orders on that series. Until he got too old for them. Sigh. It’s the discovery of Santa Claus isn’t real… all over again. *sniff sniff.  I don’t know if now, as a teen, he thinks it’s too girly or whatnot; But, I’ve got fix it. I’m a reader. Nerd. Ever since I was a kid. #nerdlife My mom had bookcases the size of living rooms and I would zoom through them all. Yes, I’ve always been the coolest geek on the planet, don’t hate. I’ll just *cup my ear and wait to hear your praises. No? Ok. Dammit. Moving on then…  So, I was reading online about how to get my man-child to read more and they say NOT to discourage ANY type of reading. Comic books, magazines, and periodicals- however small- encourage literacy. Is that so? Oopsie. I may have not, directly, told my kid NO, to comics… But, it’s possible those “reading materials” could have gotten lost in one of our many relocating, uh moving, situations. Possibly. Or a random possum ran by the window, grabbed them and ate them. Possibly…  I’m just not a fan of comic books. AT. ALL. Pictures with a few bubbled “Bam! Ping! Pow’s?”  I just never considered that as, quality, storybook reading. Love the artwork though! That being said,  my little monkey has always liked to read comic books. In Japanese, no less. And, today he even watches television with Japanese subtitles instead of english; But, I just want him to read a book. Some James Patterson with your lemonade, sir? No, mom. Maybe I should get a book, written or translated to Japanese? Now, you’re getting it, mom.


All the websites dedicated to helping to get your boys to read more all agree on one thing. Find something the kid likes and run with it. If he likes history, grab a book on that. If he likes sports, try an athlete’s autobiography. If his teenage hormornes are spiraling out of control, try a book with boobs on it. Wait. What? Ok, none of those websites mentioned that; But, it wouldn’t be that far fetched, you know. What about Wired Magazine? Architectural Digest? Science and Technology? That’s informative. Sure, but maybe not for yours, or my, teenager. I’m not saying to grab your hearty, all-american boy, some porn by any means. No, no, no. I’m just saying to consider slapping some boobs on a couple of those pages and he won’t stop reading!