humor

The Bug Bite

All week there has been a bastard of a bug, biting me in my sleep. Before you think I’m filthy -sometimes that’s true- I’m actually a self-proclaimed, obsessive compulsive when it comes to my cleaning habits. I hate dirt. I won’t even wear flip flops for ducks sake.

pexels-photo-264129.jpegFirst, on night one,  something got me on my forearm. Damn it. Then my wrist later in the day. What is attacking me? Freakin itches. The next morning two more itchy red bumps appeared. Is there a bounty hunting spider on the loose? Day three, I find four more bites. Two on my leg, and two if by the jawline and neck. Alright… that’s it. It’s time for war.

What the hell. I rip the sheets off the bed, throw my robe and pajamas in the washer too. This rogue, eight-legged schmuck is going down. New sheets. Lysoled the mattress. You sprayed the mattress with Lysol? Vacuumed the febreezed floors. I am made of questions on your cleaning action plan. Yes, I vacuum the mattress after dousing it in Lysol. And yes, if anyone has seen the Febreeze commercials, don’t they literally spray everything? And by the way, marketing department at Febreeze, you missed spraying the floors.  Don’t judge I believe it sucks up whatever filth collected by these disinfectant sprays once they’ve dried. Sort of like a disinfectant spray, magnet dirt grabber. I don’t know. I may be nuts. Either way, give it a try. What have you got to lose? Oh, I don’t know, time. Precious time. 

Or live with killer bugs… see if I care. *shrugs

Finally, this should do it. Or did it… I was lethargic following this slaying of the spider Photo Aug 03, 5 00 02 PM.jpginvasion. I was even dreaming that these bites turned puss-filled and I was fighting the venom grime by squeezing it. Except in my dream, it was a never-ending shootout of puss. Like a tube of toothpaste was let loose. Gross. I know. I woke up sweating checking my beautiful forearms! Back to the point, toothpaste warrior. Ok, so I was up in the middle of the night hacking and coughing. Was I okay? Yeah, I made it. I survived. But this morning my throats was as dry as a bone; as if I swallowed that bug who went bump in the night. Bump. Right into my belly! Karma you bastard. That’ll learn ya to keep coming for me.

So yeah, bugs attack me at night… and,  I end up eating them. At least I got my protein intake for the day. Um… I don’t think that’s how that works.

Moral of the story? Rita, on occasion, eats bugs.

At night. Don’t forget, killer bugs. While sleeping.

It’s like I’m a sleeping bug, ninja warrior.

*nods

Yeah…

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