humor, relationships, self-help

Secret Pinball Sex Hack


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Don’t stop GET IT GET IT

Ah, sex. The carnal desire of which we all think is pointless when we aren’t getting it and yet when we are getting it, boast to the world senseless facts about it to anyone who’s within eye rolling distance. Oh geez… Exactly. Like, did you know, taking to your primal needs keeps you young? Huh? Ageless? Wait, really? Yeah, now you’re listening. And relieves stress? I want stress relief! Me! Me! And holy shit relaxes you so much that you just want sleep for weeks at a time? I want to sleep for a week… *sniff sniff Snoring is a fine activity and should absolutely be considered a sport. In the Olympics.

So fancy my surprise, when someone catches me off guard. I know! Me! Superman-style. Ok, I’m fancying… carry on. He works you like a 18pinball machine in a single bound. Pushes your perverse and jovial buttons. Yes, this post is totally happening. A super Mario Bros pinball machine. Ok, I like video games. And perverted buttons. For Hours and hours… In a single, pound town… of multiple… bounds. Ice packs please! Let me clarify. I have trouble staying… well, focused. No kidding, genius. Hush. So,  facing a man in bed takes a lot more guts than assuming any style of doggy. Or reverse cowgirl. I mean, looking at the dude while trying to get yours? How fucking distracting can that shit be…  seriously, you actually have to look at this person. In the face. OMG. Like, face a person. No. Naked. No, I don’t wanna. While making eye contact. Oh I die at the mere thought…  Kill me. *cough cough Anyone else want to choke up their lunch? Listen… nine times out of ten, I just can’t stand looking at any person enough to, uh, get my happy on. Pay attention for more than five minutes. Or keep down my lunch… *insert A lot of faking it here, with the Super Mario theme music playing in the background. What was I saying? Oh, that’s right… But holy cow! Can’t you just imagine what it be like to give a performance worthy of real goomba thug thumping?! While facing forward?! That’s it. He’s gotta be a fucking super hero. Flag capturing at it’s finest. King Koopa aint got shit on this monster’s can of polka-dotted, piranha plant pipe whoop ass. Who fucking knew it be so… *sigh I guess when the stars all align you truly can achieve an ecstatic venture of a romantic capability. And still eat a burger!

On your mark. Get set. Pimp My Pinball! Photo: Tory Piro
On your mark. Get set. Pimp My Pinball! Photo: Tory Piro

Keep dropping quarters in that snatch to watch the balls drop… figuratively and literally. Or Ovaries. Either way ladies, cutting yourselves short and settling on blah-dick isn’t anything like getting super mario dick that knocks your mushrooms off! I mean, let’s just shoot straight… as long as I’m cross-eyed from not being cross-legged, I’m having a bomb-ass day. And honestly… nobody ever REALLY wants to play with Luigi, right? The lame brother with no purpose; with little brother powers. Only there to allow the add of an extra player into the mix. Minus the eye contact. So, I’ll keep going back to that special world for more… unlocking secret under water, level cheats and I’ll even go as far as to say that, yes, I WILL look that beast square in the eyes.

Fucking wreck it Tiger. *wink

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