humor, relationships, self-help


aaa28-img_6377Last night I realized… I am pretty damn good at phone sex. Oh Lord. And why shouldn’t I be? I like to believe I’m exceptional at anything I give a go. And she’s go-ing for it. Aren’t I a literary farceur? Seriously. Couldn’t that extend to a girl’s landline and an exquisite evening of adventure? What the hell. It absolutely can! Yup,  she’s going to run with this today AND there’ll be no stopping this indecent train. Nope. Stay with me.

So I thought, not everyone is good at obscene phone linguistics; of a hot and sexy nature, so I felt the need to give some smutty pointers. I know, I’m a giver. Granted, my pornographic phone buddy was AMAZING. But, there’s no need to divulge any nasty details on that. I know, you want to hear them. I will say this… if personal quests of a bedroom romp were a sport; he’d 100% bring home the SOLID GOLD. *wink I know, now you’re really curious… you lewd fuckers. =P


  1. Set the MOOD. That’s right. Even though you are -technically- home alone with a receiver to your head, and an ultra enticing, man’s voice on the other line to motivate you, there is still an ambience you can create to get you in the zone. Not always. Impromptu cell phone getaways are always wonderful as well; but, for this post, I’m opting for mood-enhancing room feel. Light candles, turn on the Scentsy pot, etc.
  2. Buddy Up. This seems like a no-brainer. Although a little fun with yourself is always a good thing, teaming up with a willing partner can be that much more exciting. Make sure he’s the type to spill out whatever he’s thinking and has a filthy sense of exploration. He should both shcok you with his verbiage choices and illicit you to come up with some dirty circumstances yourself.
  3. Pillow Pop.  You’re knee deep into your pillows, you’ve got a bed bud to keep your focus… so now it’s time to let your hair down and enjoy the ride. Figuratively and literally. Don’t set your alarm clock girls, because once you let out your mouthy words of lust, sleeping in will be your next order of business. I know I’ve had a good time when my pillow feathers pop out of their cases. And even in that “case,” would you really want to stop the feathers from flying? Hell no!

Grab your Penthouse thesaurus and get to pounding the pillows. Leave no goose unplucked. Dial
up your beasty friend and practice your pickle tickling. Besides, loving yourself -whether by yourself or with a sack scintillator in tow- keeps you young and helps you live longer. And I quite like the sound of bumping bunnies for life. I mean, if it keeps you young…. *shrugs

sometimes it’s good not to know what the hell just happened… *wink

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