Tune in for the “Blow Your Lunch” 2-hour series on the Nat Geo channel! No such show exists. Stop it. Didn’t you know? It’s up-chuck month. It started last week and now we here. Hold on, one more… Grab your wristbands and your ribbons; get your happy ass to the parade! And NOW, we focus. At the end of last week, I caught some weird bug that was apparently going around. I got sick. My sister got sick. My friend got sick. Next thing I know, everyone is sick. At first, I started to question whether I eaten something bad and realized that… shit, I guess I’m not invincible. Ugh. Fine. Three cheers for the tummy bug! Hip, Hip, Hooray! Hip, Hip-Hold off. I don’t have the energy for these shenanigans…
Fast forward to Monday. Went out to eat. I decided to try something healthier than the mass distributed, hormone-injected beef. Opting for “le veggiee’ patteee.” Uh oh. As you already know, as with everything else, I’m allergic to life and pretty much whatever goes with that. This is going to be bad. Halfway through said beef alternative, I felt really ill. Criminy, really bad. But I kept eating it anyway. Stupid ass. Eh, I figured it was in my head. Probably wasn’t. But I made a healthy choice dammit. Let me be. However, the onset nausea didn’t subside; In fact, only got worse. Shocker. Bring on the bad. Blast you inner thought. This is all your fault. Is it… Is it really? Hush. Anyway, I excuse myself to the bathroom to engage in, um, not so lovely…Er, table conversation-type, physically disgusting, uhhh, activity…just say vomit. Geez. Ok, I vomitted. Fine! I puked all over the damn place! Happy?! I admit it. Allergic reaction fuckery. Spewed on everything! Ew. Well, everything BUT the crapper. Odd result. But yeah, that’s pretty bad. I warned you. You’re mind’s eye feeling violated yet?
Imprinted with the visual of, ME, chucking black bean veggie patty all over the walls and the tile floor…and the toilet stall… and my fucking sandal. You’re now armed and ready for the rest of how the evening went. Inspiring much? This was nothing like the “Sick Week-A-Poloosa Tour” mentioned prior. Minor stomachache comparably. Here’s the thing about stupid veggie patties. Three of the major brands, that I am aware of -and now a fourth- use an ingestible mold. This add color, texture and allows these packing plants that make them, to aid in forming them and keeping them stuck together. Gross. I know. Completely disgusting. And basically worse to eat than just real food. Regardless, I found this out the hard way a few years ago when I was sick to the point of the bright green bile that appeared -as the barf substance of last resort- since there was nothing left to hurl out of my system. Awesome. You’re telling me. I am allergic to multiple kinds of mold. You’re allergic to everything. Yes, might as well be; But, you know what, hush. Stop interrupting. Pay attention. While most of us can even accidentally ingest the mold on a piece a bread and nothing will happen to you… I, on the other hand, will fall ill. Heave. And be down for a couple days. Lucky me! I’m part of the 5% of the American population that is allergic to fuzzy spores of death. See? I am special! Pop the champagne! Take me out to pasture, cowboy, this nag is useless. That’s not nice. You don’t just knock off a broad for being allergic to ALL crappery. And furry. You just give her stuff she can’t eat. Like mold. Or lettuce. Or feed her a bee. Wait, back up a second… Can the cowboy be shirtless? With a set of six-pack abs? No? Come on… It will be my dying wish. Screw you mold attackers! Dying wish: Sexy cowboy with abs.