Detective Sex Pot

Yes, you read correctly from the title line. And, by the way, who does that? A douche bag. A narcissist. A sociopath. A psychopath. These personality disorders aren’t just for serial killers, you know… Clearly, online dating is a no-no if you’re already in a relationship; But, what if you “accidentally” see some email updates pop up through his phone while playing his candy crush game? And what if those said updates, have the words xyzdate.com or okstupidwhoredatingsite.com type of whatnots included in them? What do you do? I don’t know. Do you confront him? HEY YOU! Do you investigate it further? Super slueth, super hero. Do you plan and plot behind his back for the attack on his character? Once a cheater, always a cheater. Do you dump him? Later dude. Wait… Is he even using these sites? Ah, good question. Listen girls. Don’t jump ahead of yourselves. It’s true what they say about a woman… If she suspects something suspicious, she will be a better private investigator than one you could hire for thousands of dollars. But hold on.  Every girl wants to truly believe she has the best pick of the litter; But, once in a while, things come into view that make him appear… less than the stud you proudly parade around with; your arm in his. Leaving you… less likely to be huggin on him and shyt.

Look, I never accuse anyone of anything all willy nilly. And, the way I see it, I didn’t seek out any of the information popping through to me that day. Pay no attention to that buffalo wearing a tutu. Wait.

What? Nor am I saying I am said “seeker” of said events… But, when a girlfriend opens up to me about things like this, I start to question everything about their relationship, and series of conversations.  Guess it wasn’t so perfect. I am a self-proclaimed truth finder. What’s done in the dark, eventually comes to light. If anyone is lying to me, I eventually, AND inevitably, find out. Liars can only keep track of so many lies for so long before the wires cross and the lies change during a multiple line of questioning. First I paid for my ding dongs with donald duck money. THEN, I went to the gym. But you said you went to the gym and got the ding dongs after…. I really should’ve been a cop. But I don’t really like bloody crime scenes. Or drama. Or chaos. Or crackheads. Or uniforms.

And so, the investigation begins… Detective Sex Pot, reporting for duty. I am all in my girlfriend’s business now. Her best ally. And now his, worst nightmare. Once the deck is stacked against him, I then have to figure out how to tell HER. I hope and pray he’s just being misunderstood. I’m being cynical. Often. I’m too logical. Sometimes. Okay fine, once in a while. But, odds are if it walks like a duck… QUACK. QUACK.

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