Im definitely going to start licking the table to stop this lady -and her three screaming children- from sitting down at the table attached to mine, with the ONE outlet, in the whole restaurant. Slurp. Slurp. She must be socially inept since it’s prevalent that she doesn’t see I’m enjoying my solitude. Excuse me… Uh, lady? One of your hellions seems to be shoving a cake pop in his ear…. Ah, Not so silent solitude. Sigh. This has gotten me to thinking that my sister has had the right idea all along… She had her tubes tied. Or cut. I don’t know exactly what it is called; But, she can’t have any more kids. Hooray! I love kids. Sure do. Don’t get me wrong. But I find them best if served, uhhh… seen and not heard. Aw, what an adorably quiet child reading War and Peace while listening to Bach on his Dre Beats headphones….
A friend of mine has been talking about having her… Um, personal party space… Well, cauterized. Yikes. Right! What?! Yes, there is a procedure that women can have that will not only stop the monthly visitor but also stop the free flowing eggs we have up for baby grabs. This has piqued my interest a bit because I have a NO MORE BABIES clause in my closet! Pass the Burberry scarf please. The baby doesn’t match my shoes. Thanks.
Believe me when I say that having my son was a beautiful blessing in my life. I had him young and he probably had a hand in keeping me grounded on a variant of levels; But, doing it all by myself? Not fun. Oh holy hell that has been a struggle! Every single mom knows this all too well. Like dragging a grand piano up a hill with floss. I wouldn’t wish single mom-dom on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. Well, maybe I’d wish it on Siri. Ok, I would wish it on my worst enemy. Siri.
My roommate sees babies and her uterus just bounces with joy and glitter. She gets a huge smile on her face. All goofy and grinning. But me? Noooo ma’am. My uterus cringes and tries to jump out of my body. I end up going on a scavenger hunt for my egg popper and find the heffa trying to jump off the Brooklyn bridge.