If I thought I was going to be chasing around little old ladies this week, I would have laughed. Awakened from my -never ending- peaceful slumber by the sounds of a house phone… Yes, you read correctly, out here folks still have landlines. My mother volunteers at an old folks home so she gets phone calls, constantly, starting at 6:00 a.m. And ending somewhere around the tune of 11:00 p.m. These grannies call incessantly. Did I take my pills? I don’t know, did you? Count the pills in your pill box. I organized them for you -by day. Well, I’m confused and I don’t know which box is for today. You jumbled your pills? I don’t know. My goodness. You don’t need a water pill. Yes I did. Why did you take that? I don’t know. My ankles are swollen. They’re puffy because you took an extra pill you didn’t need. I’ll be there tomorrow to check on you. Do not take anything except what I put in the box. Or don’t. Because you jumbled them. Just take the one high blood pressure pill. (I swear if I get this bonkers when I’m old, someone just put me down like old nag.) this isn’t that entertaining. Yes it is, it’s hysterical actually. This isn’t to knock our elderly. They’ve lived amazing lives and have great stories to tell. Funny thing is, because they are being given so many damn medications, it affects their memory (and memories) so these little old chassis play games with people. It’s like they’re 86 year old children.Â
One afternoon, while on my visit, one little mumsy calls and says, I’m sick. I need to go to the hospital. No, you don’t. It’s just a stomachache from mixing up your pills. Well, I’m sick and I’m calling the ambulance. She hangs up. My matriarch says, let’s get into the car and go. So we stop at her building. No hullaboo outside… Grand lady, doesn’t answer. We drive to the hospital. Ding dong. No one by that name has checked in. Seriously? We go back to her building and decide we need another plan of action. My mom goes up and down the stairwell while I keep watch at the elevator. When she returns she says, I’ve been calling and no answer. You go up the stairs and I’ll go up the elevator. This way she can’t try to sneak out. Ok. Seven floors. Hop scotching mum. No big deal. I got this. So, I start my hike up the stairs and no granny. I meet up in the hall on the seventh floor with my mother. No old broad. As she puts her phone away she states that granny is in her apartment. Ah, gotcha now. How do you know? The line is ringing and then it’s a busy signal. We go inside and granny is like hello. Whatcha doin. All calm and rational. Like we haven’t been hunting her down all day with our proverbial muskets. Ha! What?! We’ve been all over Ohio looking for you woman! Oh ok says granny. What for? I’ve been here all day. I want to jump off her balcony. Do you want to play aggravation? F*** it. Sure.Â
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