JOE Coffee

Tall. Dark. Handsome. All women want this guy. Right? He’s smooth and bold at the same time. He’ll lift you up to the tallest cabinets like a cheerleading stunter. He’ll throw you around like a wheelbarrow careening down a freeway… Wait. What? I don’t know. Ladies, there is NO perfect man. Only a man that is perfect enough for you. Just like coffee. Stay with me. So when I was shopping a couple weeks ago, I found the perfect… Uh… Joe?

At the top of this coffee package, it states that its a Dark Roast. It’s not. It’s weaker than Denny’s coffee. And at least Denny’s has caught on to flavoring their morning sludge to lattes and frappes. I commend you Denny’s. Thank you.

If you look above the title of the bag of ground -non-expresso- beans, it says it’s “tall, dark and handsome.” So cute, right?! Clearly, a play on words. I’m a sucker. I bought it. I thought, there’s no perfect playboy for me; But, maybe there is a perfect pot of coco-colored loveliness. And he goes by the name of Joe. A Joe can generally be attractive and fulfilling. Except, inside this caramel teasing persuasion, it’s not. Maybe… finding the perfect cup of coffee is like finding the perfect guy. Not possible. With every new bag of beans I grab, I think, this is the one. Oh wait, I think that when I’m dating too. Dammit. Sensing a trend. I need to lower my standards. No. Keep the standards high. I’m never one to give up hope. I’m a hopeless, romantic, coffee-man lover at heart. I can muddle through.

Moral of the story girls? Just like our man-vision goggles, not even the well marketed coffee packaging can measure up to the fantasy. It’s sexiness sold me, but on the inside, no one should consider this be called coffee. Terrible idea. I struggle every morning trying to choke this crap down. While you’re busy looking for mr. Right, you’re only attracting Mr. Right  Now and his insides usually suck. This damn bag of coffee will be the death of me. And don’t just go by the marketing hoohah label, the perfect Joe just doesn’t exist.

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