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Single In Salem

Relationships are a fucked up thing. A person won’t admit their wrong until what they didn’t want to happen… Well, happens. He really did think riding a pony into a restaurant would’ve been received without panic. Our reality is the product our own perception. He was taken away for trespassing. The horse was set free after doing community service. What a beautiful, movie-style ending…. Romantic comedies have screwed everybody up. Bad kissers are a reason to dump him at the curb, right? In my opinion, the biggest reason is that it plants seeds in everyone’s brains that you’re going to want someone to go overboard and chase after you. Looking over my shoulder. And speed walking. With mase in tow. Nothing is more comforting than feeling like somebody’s watching you. Singing: It always feels like, somebody’s watching me! Why is that song in my head on replay? Pay attention, incessantly texting you, calling you or showing up unannounced at your doorstep, trying to fix something that went terribly wrong. But, the flaw in that… is that in real life, that translates to some pretty, clearly written, textbook stalkeratzi behavior. Uh, hi… 911? Yeah, I have a stage five clinger lurking in my bushes. 

I feel like people are the best version of themselves the first three-six months of a relationship. Bless me
father, for its been… uh, one… two? Oh fuck it, three months since my last confession. Last time I was here he told me that a panoramic photograph of a rhino, in a tutu, was completely normal. On their best behavior. And please, Bless me father for I have… seen crazy, unbottle itself. Again. Or, at least, the pretend version of who they were portraying anyway. Bye, Thanks for playing, wasn’t Bob Barker great? Most people aren’t who they present themselves to be, and when you find out, it’s usually too late. Trains won’t stop, so wait to cross people. Mostly, because folks just move too damn fast in relationships to gage the red flags they’re ignoring. Omg, I met him last week and now we are getting married. I. Am. Totally… Excited. What… Aren’t you on you’re 6th husband? Did we not use the last five as learning lessons? It’s similar to someone who checks their Facebook every day, scrolling through posts in obsessive continuum; But, have only two posts for 2014. We’re in October annnnd…. You have two profile pic changes? 10 months? 2 posts? Hmmmm… That’s suspect. Fake account much? Next thing you know, her face shows up on an amber alert. 

I’ll play all day if I want to… #setlife #modellife

Listen, nobody is perfect and obviously, everyone is trying to find the one screwed up person that’s right for them with flaws that they can  tolerate. Ok, I’ll marry you and your psoriasis infected toe. But, with chick lit books out there trying to convince us that a guy who flips his phone upside down and deletes every incoming text as he responds is nothing Im willing to scoff  at. Ha. Ha. Scoff. And I’m not even going to check off the fact that as he replies to said deleted messages, he turns the phone at an odd angle so you can’t even catch of glimpse of what’s going on in that screen. That glare just blinded me thanks for pointing out your shadiness so blatantly. Nor will I add the fact that,  if I’m was being asked who the fuck I’m talking to all the time? It’s completely a sign of guilt on aforementioned party. No thanks, I don’t want to play this kiddie game. Or end up on a milk carton. As I get older, I put up with less and less… And I’m thinking Taylor Swift might just have the right modern attitude women should have about life. A happy, successful -seemingly well adjusted- single girl! Suck it co-dependency! You don’t get burned at the steak anymore for being a spinster. Damn Salem witch trials. In fact, I’m pretty sure most of us single gals will just elongate the “Im Hot” phase of our lives because we took care of ourselves and didn’t have to ‘mother’ a spouse over forty. 

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