Some guys cloak themselves in Sheeps clothing so well that they pull one over on you, TOO well. Sheep smell. You feel proud of yourself? Wolves smell too. Hand a girl a Popsicle and your bound to get a smile. Who doesn’t love a Popsicle. Or a Hobbit. But, in this case, here are three red flags he’s a Popsicle Hobbit.
#1 Sugar Packets… What kind of guy steals sugar packets and makes his date believe that this is what will bond us? What you deem as an endearing quality is most likely appearing like a precursor for future legal problems. No girl finds that desirable. Nor wants to bail you out later.
#2 Hobbit Haunt… Since I recently had an encounter with a Hobbit hating date, I find it necessary to mention one last time. If you watch a fantasy film, enjoy it. Please don’t find every opportunity to make disparaging remarks on accuracy and detail. Zip it sailor. Keep it to a dull roar. Meow. Or get a mute button. Aw, the duct tape will only hurt for a second when ripped off. I promise you, I have no F***s to give you. Not one. Have a shot. Drink up. Call your mom. Hi, mom. Whatever it takes. Knock it off. It’s annoying. And by the way, I lied, I did see the movie. Twice. And I freaking loved it. Both times. But thanks a bunch, now that you’ve ruined my get-a-away-from-real-life film, I’m being stalked by Hobbit paraphernalia everywhere I turn. Journals tossing themselves at me in bookstores. Stuffed plush toys hurling their way into my shopping carts. Every time I pass a tree with a big hole in it, I want to climb in it an see if I can find the hobbit, borrow his invisi-ring, and come find you so I can slap your inconsiderate self. I hope your next date can’t hear you dissect another film. Being alone forever won’t be that bad. Elmer Fudd did it. Screw it, back to the lion, the witch and the wardrobe.
#3 pillow pet… If you’re a man that sleeps with more pillows than Bed, Bath & Beyond can carry, you may want to reevaluate your life. Not just a couple pillows two for the head. Or one in between your legs for back support. But, literally, hugging two pillows. Squish. Three pillows on his left side, four pillows on his right side and they’re all around him like he’s in a pillow casket. I gotta admit, that’s a new one. Bedding Mush. How many does it take to get to oodles anyway? Hello death? Yes, I’d like to special order five thousand pillows for my lifeless body to lay on please. Oh, I have to ACTUALLY die before you can process my request? Well, gee, this is a pickle. You see I cannot sleep without a gaggle of pillows enveloping me to the point of suffocation. Still no? Gosh, may I speak to a manager? Thanks.
So there you have it. Say no to a man offering Popsicle sticks. Did you order a Popsicle stick up the ass for one? Here you go. Ouch. Now you will be paraded around wearing a tutu and bells on your feet. But you don’t get to ride a donkey. You gotta earn that. Ding dong. Thank you for participating. Nothing makes a woman feel more special than to get played. Come with honesty and get a tan. Powder. Look both ways before crossing the street. Skeezing twit. And ladies, keep your eyes open. Popsicle Hobbits come out from tree holes on the street: I don’t know…