Not one. But two plane delays. But I will miss you anyway Ohio. Sitting in Chicago for two hours waiting for the flight. The lady on the overhead microphone said that the crew is here… They’re just in the air. Hold on… They’re here? Or they are in the air? What does that mean exactly? Because, unless I forgot I speak English, I’m hearing that the aforementioned crew is still not here at all. There’s kids laying all over the airport floors. Stop. Rewind. Let me rewrite that… There are kids laying all over the Chicago airport floors; But, they aren’t alone… So are their parents. Hey guys, guess what? You’re not at home yet. Don’t get comfortable… And sidebar, the floor is dirty. And nasty. And not even a little bit…. Kind of a lot a bit. Oh and I’ve become immune to your child’s murderous screams. Thank you for that. Why are these monsters awake anyway? It is midnight. And last one I checked Chicago was coined “The Windy City,” not “The City That Never Sleeps.” Yes, I also started singing the Frank Sinatra’s unofficial song of New York also. There is a reason I like to fly red eye people. Sleepy time airtime. Catch up in some zzzz’s I rarely get. Emptier flights. Because running up and down the isle without a bra on a full flight will get you marshaled. When you bring your little bastards on board (on said red eye flight) they should have dances d sugar plums all in their heads. Noiseless. Seen and not heard. Am I being too harsh? Maybe I don’t like children as much as I’d previously thought. Well, even if I am.. Suck it. They’re terrorizing everyone’s ear space: and literal space. And dirty floor space. Where does this one random child in particular keep popping up from? Stop grabbing for my son’s pillow pet. Like rabid dogs around here. Where’s the mother? Probably sneaking a drink at the sky lounge. Whore. Like I should be… Meeting handsome strangers that look like romance book models and speak like intellectual man-delicious corporate speak. Didn’t you know? I’m multi-lingual …and man-delicious corporate speak will melt me every time. Did that kid just throw his mom’s neck pillow on the floor? And laugh? Oh. My. God. I would strangle that child. Or offer the TSA agent some side dough to do it. Kidding… Maybe. Somehow I’d find it astonishing If they were an avid hand-washing family either. Oh, great… Nice. She laughed along. Listen lady, you’re supposed to be the matriarch of your herd. Don’t go crying to anyone when you have hepatitis later.
A voice from above emerges to let us know that our crew has arrived. Ah, finally. I can celebrate. We apologize for the inconvenience and delay of your flight. We are now legal to get you all in the air now. There was no crew actually scheduled to fly your plane this early morning. What an you guys think I make tho stuff up. There’s no way on the planet could I have come up with this scenario. And I probably should not celebrate anymore. Welcome to sketchy town USA. Thanks for flying with us, where your bags are packed and we have a janitor flying your airlines. Although, I’d be willin to forgive the airline of choice if we are offered free drinks for our… “inconvenience.” Nope. What if I give you a free signed poster? No. A sticker with my face on it? No thanks. Oh gotcha. Just be happy your getting on a flight with pilots actually there to fly it.
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