Simon Simpleton

How do I begin? A Simon Simpleton is a reference I use for the moronic species of male that keep trying to date me. Not every guy falls into this reference; But, since, my picker seems to be off… it’s time to analyze my selection process.

#1 OMG He’s So Hot Probably not the anecdotal option I should live by. This type of guy tends to be fun and exciting. And lazy in bed. Oh. Oh. Yeah. You’re a lazy dead fish. Thanks. Did I get mine? uh, yeah, but luckily for you I know how my body works. This guy usually has NOTHING to really offer but his charismatic demeanor keeps you feeling alive with your fucked up endorphins flying out the ass that sits on your shoulders.

#2  The “I Don’t Need More Friends” Guy
This one tries reign you in as there “one and only” except you’ve found out they just want to add you to their list of loyal subjects. This type sells himself as the sensitive guy who’s always getting screwed over; But, he’s really dialing on the low.It’s hard to play me like an idiot. Truth has a way of finding it’s way to me. I’m not one of those girls that takes dishonesty lightly.  Stop with the bullshit. You don’t respond for days? Oh, gotcha douche bag. This guy is easy to spot because he usually only goes for the chick that doesn’t want a relationship. He wants to win the challenge. And when he does, he’s done. So is she. And her. Oh, she’s going to be your wifey. Don’t forget that one with the big booty. As long as she squashing on it, you want to be down for life with her too. Best believe, I ain’t mad at ya. Do you. But, don’t fucking think that I’m going to be here to entertain your wandering eye-ass… If we down for the fun of it and we have an understanding, then it is what is. Do not -DO NOT- come at me like you want to club me down like a caveman and keep me for life. I will ensure, upon discovery of your piece of shit ass, that I befriend a saber tooth to take you out for dinner. 

#3 We’re Soulmates 
He’s hot, he’s available and we connect on so many levels it’s insanity! He wants what I want. I want what he wants. Everything is quadra-perfect! Then, he disappears without nary a snicker… or a text to tell me he is over it. This elephant in the room is charming, manipulative and uses these tactics to get on your level and find what makes you want him. I hate this guy. He disguises himself as “The One” to bed you, and then POW. Fucks you over. Give em the 90 day rule Ladies!

#4 Jealousy Is Sooo Sweet
Right. Like a sour and rotten apple is edible. If we are in agreement that we are exclusive… Not that I’m in that place right now, but for argument’s sake and while I’m awaiting on my prince to ride in on his white horse… You are more than allowed to have female friends. That is not an issue for me. I’m not the jealous type. I’m not insecure by other women. And please note that, I, in fact have many male friends. That are gorgeous. Probably well endowed. Don’t ask how I know. And are more chivalrous than a gay man is talented at pointing out a well dressed couture outfit. So, be secure enough in your own mini-manhood to deal with that as well. 

#5 Let’s Play House
No. Let’s not. Pretending to love someone. Pretending to be attracted to them. I don’t know about you but I just can’t fake when it comes to matters of the heart. Or apparently I can’t pretend when it comes to much of anything else either. Read between the lines, friends. Of course I can’t pretend to keep my big mouth shut either. No matter how much that other person seems to believe how sure that you belong together, if I don’t feel it in my heart… I just can’t muster the energy to fake it ’til you make it. I don’t care how much money the person has. It’s not mine anyway. and what’s your fiscal earnings have to do with how you will treat me anyway. Nothing. What they can offer me… If you can find a Pegacorn, I can be swayed. Bottom line, If I’m not feeling it, aren’t I a better person if I just live by that truth? Dudes actually get upset that you’re not into them. Red flag. They can’t “figure” me out or figure out “how” I could POSSIBLY, not be into them. Im a Pegacorn; therefore, you need to BE a Pegacorn. It’s that simple kids. Dude, the heart wants what the heart wants. If your arrogant, pushy or try to force me to love you, odds are you will only push me further away. You can’t make me love you. Thank you Bonnie Raitt.
The skinny of it all is, maybe, we always want the guy who makes our heart skip a beat. Chemistry that makes us lose our minds. And a love that is whimsical and adoring. And if he can provide a life for us or help build an empire together; even better! Whatever. All that crap is garbage. I want a mister that can actually be about me. Care about my well-being. Actually, love me and stuff. It’s like I’m trying to start a cornfield with a banana peel. I have yet to find ANY guy that follows through, wants my inner happiness to keep growing with or without them, has an insane amount of character and strength that would woo me…. and, what the hell, a fancy trip never hurt either.

…And if you have dated me, tried to force me to date you, or I’ve avoided dating you and you think this post is about you. Get over yourself. No body cares about your inflated egos. I know I’m a catch. Problem for you is, none of you idiots did. Now that sentence, was for you.

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