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Wireless Wonderland


I’m appreciative of EVERYTHING and EVERY PERSON that comes into my life. Good. Bad. Otherwise. The “otherwise” group has expanded to comfortably fit all you non-descript and non-useful types; but that’s neither here nor there… and not for this post. A friend of mine gave me a wireless router he no longer uses. The friend is in the “good” category. The wireless router… Not so much. Which, he was unsure of the pass code, because it was custom. Ok. No problem. This malleable slug, which will never disintegrate in a garbage dump, can still be useful. I turn to the information super highway to look upon the makers of this plastic paper weight. Click. Tab. Backspace. Enter. Ah… Jackpot! Found the website. Now to locate the model number so I can solve this pickle. Get online. Get back to my day. Not there. Where’s a spam advertisement offering a free trip to France when you need one? A similar model name is there; But, no serial number matches the one I am now the proud owner. The numbers, letters, oh! And the caveman hieroglyphics are all off. Bah. Figures. Hmmm. Ok. Clearly, this predates the dinosaur age. No sign of it circa 1900s. So I call the company. The guy can’t locate my model number either. When was this router made? 300 B.C.? Right. I’m so annoyed. I just want to google grumpy cat vines and cyber stalk a couple ex boyfriends who didn’t see my value. This blows. 

I’m on the phone for 35 minutes. The agent on the phone is confused. I’m confused. My sister is on the phone with our friend asking him questions. It’s a clusterfuck and I’m getting impatient. And I’m confusing the agent even more when I ask any iota of a question directly related to the riddle I need to solve. Look tech guy, who gets distracted by a glittery DOS program, I need you to focus on my problem. I have Internet. I need my router to work with it. I come from the future with a stone from the medieval era. And I need to pass it. The company you work for has made this ancient relic. I’d be surprised if this old 2.4 Ghz bean bag would magnify a bumble bee at this point. It doesn’t even want to buzz buzz and it’s connected to the wall coax. And that’s a direct point of contact. Is this only going to work for dial-up? Really. How old is this damn moldable receptacle? 
This specialist is telling me he can’t recover the password but we can try to find it from inside the router. Whatever that means. I’m not a techie dumb-dumb but his directions are random and not making sense. Meanwhile my sister and her niece are trying other pass codes via our friend on her line. While this Internet mechanic is blathering away, I’m asking him to hold on because we are trying some other options. POW! Magic password recovered. Wireless router professional not needed. Or helpful. Thanks professional of scientific instrumentation for all your… Actually, you didn’t help at all. Turns out we didn’t need you. Thanks. Bye. He’s still talking and I hangup. And we are now online. Finally. 
Except… This router is quite the fixer upper. This massive 2.4 Ghz flexible platter is, in all sense of the word, active… However, most of the time it just doesn’t want to cooperate. It’s strength is weak and I’m not placing blame anywhere; But, my money’s on the assumption that this piece of junk was pulled off a cornfield tractor. You can’t just add antennae to farming equipment and expect it to yield a modern existence. Or Mapquest the nearest cotton candy kiosk. My friends heart was in the right place and this scrap component is fortified with gratitude. And will make a nice addition to my provocative junk pile. Remnants be damned… Not even Fry’s Super Store can save you. Or Rumpelstiltskin’s magic. 

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