The Super Villain Outreach Program

After posting  my (mock) super villain photo last week (on Instagram). I got to thinking over the weekend. That, I too, could be a pretty decent super villain. Criminy. Yep! And here it goes…  The Suicide Squad that Warner Bros. has thrown together definitely needs me and I know what I’m talking about because I watched the sneak peek Suicide Squad trailer (recently shown at #comiccon2015). Here I am, always the do-good, call you out on your bullshit type, and all along I could’ve been wrecking havoc, trying to take over the city. This is happening. Ok, so now I need a cool villain name/persona/identity thing.

picture this: #suicidesquad #vixen #definitely Photo: http://www.NobleAmbiencePhotography.com

Hmmm… so, what should I do first?!  Throw a speeding train full of passengers off it’s tracks? No, it’s bene done. Save twinkies everywhere from extinction! Hello, they came out of extinction and Hostess is making them again. There was some scuttlebutt and now they’re back. Dammit. Zingers too? Yes, Zingers too. Let all the animals out of the zoo, releasing them from their captivity? Wait. That’s not so evil. Public mischief, maybe; but definitely not evil. And in reality, I’m kind of saving them from their untimely “caged” deaths from lethargy and glutton anyway. That’s from a Dreamworks movie. I’m really doing the animals a favor. Still from an animated film, which they escaped all on their own and ran all over New York City. Right. Good point. Plus, I’d be getting a rap sheet for being a public nuisance in the process. From a kid’s flick?  Sigh. Maybe I need to rethink this. I might not be a good super villain after all. It’s the thinking that’s the problem. Ooo! I know I can be Vixen! Shit. Still thinking. New angle!  I’m totally Vixen. No you’re not. The Suicide Squad character who joins the squad, only after she kills a druglord (accidentally) and needs to learn to control her powers. You have NO powers. Duh, special effects team, hellooo…. Oh, yeah, I’m totally her. Oh geez.  She’s definitely a character that has good intentions but is in a position where the public she was helping -with the government- thinks she’s evil.

She’s the accidental villain! I’m accidental in so many ways! Exhibit A: the thinking hullabaloo. I’d even cut my hair for it. Accidental Hair-Cutting Villain! Has a nice ring to it. Not really. The Vigilante Hair-Cut! *smacks forehead  All I know is that somewhere, out there in the universe, there is a need for my villainy. You’re not villain. Somehwere in this city, my CGI super powers are needed… to do… something. Nope. Like, pogo stick down the subway, helping poor defenseless rocks from — Stop it. Not needed.  On second thought, thinking is what got me into this malarky in the first place…


Garble This…

*insert #superhero music here*

Friends, lovers, and family members… It is OK to spellcheck your texts; at least, once in a while. Preferably before you hit the send button. Each and every time; but, I’ll settle for one out of every five messages. *grumbling… I guess. Listen, not every word needs shortening. Or needs to be acronymnated. Yes, I made that up. It’s a Rita-ism. Focus. And please, PLEASE! Stop using numbers to make words. I h8 that.

It’s like a series of written vigilanties wrecking havoc and violating the mind’s eye with their terrible misspellings and lackadaisical linguistics. I can’t unsee the bad grammar. I’ve already been tied to the railroad tracks. Like the ones on the Monopoly board? No, not those railroad tracks. You know if you get all those, you can win that game no matter what someone buys… Just saying. Wow. Anyway, I’m not the vernacular police. And I’m not a literary scholar; but, I do take humbrage when I am privy to those communication booboos. I think… oh looky there. They really sent that. Deliberately.

EX:  eye mizz u

“eye miss u?” Are you kidding? What the hell does that even mean? If you meant to tell me “YOU MISS ME,” maybe you need to redo elementary school because that isnt even fucking close.

EX: wya i w8ng 4 u

“wya i w8ng 4 u.” Sigh… I see it. And I want to hit you with my phone.

EX: mary me. yu all i’m need. 

“mary me. yu all i’m need.” Kill me. You need more than that. An intervention of letters, perhaps? Well, at least the apostrophe is in the correct place. Or the fact that is has an apostrophe at all, is quite nice too.

ALL ABOARD! #freighthoppinghobo

Everyone is going to have a mishap here and there. Understandable and forgiveable. This is about the 30-something’s (or older) texting like they’re fifteen year olds who don’t know any better. I often do business via text. Mostly emails and phone calls, or even Skype. However,  I highly doubt someone is going to work with me if I leave with them with a “c u l8r.” I’d look unprofessional and immature. You are immature. Yes, I know, overall, yes. I am quite kid-like. But, even in my everyday dealings with friends and family… It infuriates me when I see shorthand in text. “ILY2.” It’s a text! It’s not an email! You’re not going to send me a novel-sized, informative body of work! Nope. You’re going to likely call me, once it’s ominous that I’m near my phone. Ring. Ring. Hello? Hi, you’ve reached hobo station, stopping acronym crime, one foul letter at a time… how can I help you? I can live with that… hearing one’s voice drone on and on; as opposed to, reading some bologna like “pik up som cheez n bred on ur way hm plz.”  WTF. Seriously, this nonsense is going to make me resort to violence…

Or hop on a freight train.

C U L8R!