It seems I need to make a “Blind Date Public Service Announcement” to those around me who love me dearly; But, need to stop with this setting me up madness.
Last night I had the blind date to last a lifetime. How a date can be both amazing and disastrous is beyond me; But, leave it to the universe to allow such an experience to wander into my lap. Sigh. So, friends of mine have been begging me to come up and hang out, mingle and get to know people. Go out. Date. I’m not a huge party animal, but I do like to get out. I’m pretty busy with my grandiose life of alone time and book reading that I just can’t seem to muster the energy to venture into the world to get grabbed by ill-mannered man-children in the clubs or get drinks spilled on me in bars by men smelling of grandpa and cigars. I guess you can say I pick my battles.
And, away I go… I grab my music books -they have the most beautiful baby grand piano, throw my purse over my shoulder and head over to their house -to what I think is just a relaxing evening with wine and piano playing. Wrong. I arrive to a group of people and there’s hubbub of heading out for the evening. Mind you, I came dressed in my Ugg boots, sweats, the biggest geek-life glasses (yes, I’m blind as a bat) and a sweaty stained sweatshirt. Clearly, I was poised for an evening out. Next thing I know, I’m alone with a scruffy-looking and somewhat shy man who asks me if I’d like to go out with him. I laugh because, I’m not only convinced that this was a setup by my adoring friends; But, I take notice that we were left alone all of a sudden -without warning- like the kid who disappears after stealing your toaster waffle. Lucky me.
Sure. Why not. My girlfriend helps me get all dolled up (borrowing clothes and makeup for this surprise date-attack) and not only did this guy come back with a driver to pick us up but he looked… Breathtaking! And, by the look on his face, he seemed to think the same about me. Yeah, a little spit-shine and I can look human. Off to a decent start. I’m still hesitant because I tend to attract… Well, that’s a story for another time. (But, I didn’t pick this one so there’s a tiny chance this might be good.) We are at the event and walking around the grounds of the property, just taking in the views, beautiful hillside and admiring design of the home while talking and getting to know each other. Pretty great date so far. We have drinks, laugh. He is actually quite a bit more charming than I anticipate, and smart. He can hold a freaking conversation! I’m over the moon by this point and while trying to keep my composure to a dull roar; But, I’m actually squealing with delight inside. I excuse myself to the powder room and he stops me for a second. He pokes his head near mine, pauses and sweetly, steals a kiss. Completely didn’t see it coming. I was taken aback and the smile on my face must have been immensely huge because, he said he was just checking. And, I’m bright eyed. I still to this day, am not sure what he was checking for… Maybe he was waiting for me to clock him with my clutch? Or jump him right there? Either way, I may never know but I gotta tell you, it got me. I was in. I now found myself wanting to know this man, and actually, wanting, this man.
Fast forward to the end of the event, we are famished. Apparently, amidst our skipping around the beautiful home overlooking a lush landscape we missed the food. We head to a restaurant. And this is where it got weird. Before stopping at the restaurant, he decides his friends are going to meet up with us. They all disappear for a few minutes and are laughing and acting strangely-friendly-but still, strangely. At the restaurant he is rude to the waiter. Crude with his words around his friends, to which I must add, that his friends kept telling him to behave and be polite. It seems they have a handle on what was going on with him. Which is great, because I am so clueless as to what has just happened here. He’s combative with the waiter over everything and then finally we leave. On our way out, he slips down the stairs. I have never seen such a large man fall so clumsily. He was laid out on the concrete! (Yep, I laughed too.)
Heading home, finally, he is being handsy with me and being quite disrespectful. He’s asking me to kiss him and when I say no, he’s huffing and puffing like a twelve year old who didn’t get a bike for Christmas. He asks me if I like him, I say yes, and he says then why won’t you kiss me or let me touch you. (Uh, because you’re a five alarm douche bag?) He has his driver stop- at what seemed like every gas station- along the way home and the night just would not end. He walked me to my door and hugged me and actually did not try to kiss me for the hundredth time and he asked me if he really screwed things up.. Hmmm. Perceptive much?
I don’t know what on earth happened that night but it was tragic. And now on to the public service announcement to those around me.
“Please friends, if you love me, stop setting me up on blind dates. Just opt to send me some wine, cheese and a novel from the chick-lit section of the book store. Or a puppy. I’ll take a puppy. This has a a blind date public service announcement.”