For those of you who have never heard of men rocking mankini’s (and onesies)…
It’s an actual thing. No. Yes! I didn’t believe it myself until I saw photos. And heard about it on television. People still watch tv? Which is why I don’t watch television; if I can avoid it anyway. A fashion segment aimed at convincing the public that this is an acceptable way of dress for a man -anywhere – is just absurd. SIDEBAR: I dated a guy once who looked SEXY AF in a speedo though.
No. You. Didn’t.
I DID: date a guy that looked yummy in a speedo.
I DID NOT – think I would ever feel that way about speedos.
I know! Surprised me too! But I’m pretty sure we can blame my filthy mind for that one. Oh geez. Judge me all you want; but until you are face to face with that tightly fitted garment… at eye level? Game changer.
What? Nevermind.
Which got me to thinking… please stop with the thoughts.
Not stopping.
Of…. course you aren’t.
Would it change my mind if I dated a man who went full mankini? It really shouldn’t. Or onesie? Definitely shouldn’t. Maybe perusing the beach and checking out the mankini stock in season?
Don’t. Peruse.
I’m going to let that just be a thot-thot. Good plan. Like a flitting thot. Really good plan. I haven’t quite lost my mind that much yet. Well… up for debate. But, stick to the plan anyway…
Men, please…. I beg of you…. don’t be the victim of the “mankini.”
It’s not cute. How about a onesie?
Oh, please God, no.
Granted, as a huge fan of the manlier version of men, I am biased. Big, strong, tall, rough around the edges with a gooey heart-shaped center…. and impeccable hygiene. So a man in a onesie, or a mankini is just not going to do anything for me. Except, have me on the floor laughing. With all respect lost for you. However, I have thought up some suggestions for when an exception is probable.
EXCEPTIONS EXAMINER:
- Halloween
“They made me,” he said, cringing. - Christmas/Holiday photo your girlfriend or wife encroached upon you
- Naughty time with wife/gf, behind closed doors
- A school play your kid signed you up for and you literally have no other options because NOT doing the damn thing could potentially destroy your kid’s whole life.
So, I propose the topless mankini. The aforementioned speedo? Not exactly.. but, yes, I could live with that. Understandably, not everyone can necessarily vibe the speedo exhibition. But, for the sake of this post, I’ve found a middle of the road solution and offering up Exhibit A below:
Wait. Those are just shorts.
Yup. Good eye, detectives.
It’s non-threatening. No banana-hammocks of fright. No one-eyed willies to spy out their mankini eye. A safe bet to keep you from scaring away the ladies… and you can go from the sand to the bar with the addition of a polo shirt and BAM! You, my sexy male friends, are evening ready!
So, guys, let’s make a deal. You rock a topless, mankini and us girls will stick to the glory
of onesies (and bikinis) !
It’s only fair.
And it’s far less creepy.
