I get that starting a new diet or knitting yourself a new habit of snackery has got to start somewhere. Dear food journal: Day 1… But I’m quite certain that when you’re out on a first date with someone new, you chit chat about the weather, small talk about your likes and dislikes. I like grapes. But I hate raisins. See if he’d be open to having your mother live in the spare bedroom after your married. Just kidding. Don’t talk about that. He’ll run. And, since coffee is going well, you decide to move into restaurant status. What?! Cloth napkins bitches! He wants to choose a restaurant; But, offers you to decide. Come on woman, where the hell do you want to eat. Next thing you know she saying she eats nothing that has come from life. Wait. What? Or had a face. Or once took a breath. Ok. So you don’t eat meat? Eggs? Or plants? They were alive once too… Before being yanked from the ground… Just saying. Do you feed on cardboard? Oh and raw only. Of course, you do raw only. Okie dokie. So you don’t own a frying pan? …Oh you do. What happened to raw? What’s happening here? Raw cooking? Hmm. Oxymoronic; But, Ok. So, would you like to get some pho? That’s vegan and raw… I think. I don’t know, some of its hot. Can you eat that? How did this chick just become so complicated? I don’t want to play anymore. Now you’re sitting in the establishment looking over the menus trying to figure out what the hell this broad CAN eat and it dawns on you… So, how long have you been vegan raw? Dear food journal: Day 3… WTF? Three days? …Three days?? No wonder this hoe is staring at the menu like she’s just going to opt for a napkin to munch on and a glass of water. She doesn’t know what she’s allowed to eat! Clearly, this was an uneducated lifestyle choice. I’m starting to feel for your male dating woes. I wouldn’t even want a female friend like this, let alone your lucky enough to take this masterpiece out on a date! Her knowledge noggin has no clue how to navigate this new lifestyle choice and all you can do is sit there and watch the train crash into the station.
